Adult Bulimia. Triggered by grief.

[beesknees1111]

I had Bulimia through a lot of my 20s and early 30s and found it triggered after my parents died, and when I had a particularly stressful time at work.
Recently my beloved cat has died and I’ve got back into a bingeing and purging habit, and I’m so annoyed with myself. I can rationalise all of the reasons why it’s so bad, but I just do it! Any advice greatly received.

It's the only thing you can definitely control when everything else is outside of your control, so it resurfaces. Try to frame it as a choice to accept that you are sad and emotional and feeling chaotic inside, and you accept that. You are taking control of the emotions and welcoming them in rather than feeling turbulent and seeking control elsewhere.

Agree with PP.

If for now you still feel compelled to binge/purge, would it be possible to gradually lengthen the time between episodes, so that as your grief eases the bulimia will again take a back seat?

I had a resurgence of binge eating disorder at an unsettling time in my life a couple of years ago and again more recently. I honestly thought I'd seen the back of all that. It had lain dormant for so long and the lack of hormonal swings now that I'm post-menopause seemed to have quelled my compulsions around food. I was wrong. I know that bingeing and to an extent restricting when under stress, and even "good" stress, will always be something I'm prone to. Being "chaotic inside" as PP described it is spot on. But understanding and coming to terms with that vulnerability on an emotional level, rather than castigating myself for it, really is the way forward. I too understood it all brilliantly on an intellectual level, but truly accepting is as part of your psychological make-up is the important thing.

Wishing you all the best

Thank you. That definitely makes sense and I’ll try and put it into practice.

Yeah I thought I’d laid it to rest too. And like you say, it’s easy to intellectualise but much harder to really accept and feel on an emotional level. So that’s what I’m going to try and lean into.
Thank you. It’s a very lonely and private thing, so it’s really appreciated that you’ve replied with such personal insight.

You're very welcome, OP.

Yes, it certainly is lonely and private. Occasionally I've mentioned a little about my problems with eating to certain people, but they don't get it. I'm glad they don't for their sakes, but you just feel like you're left on your own little island.

Only one person, a work colleague decades ago, has ever asked me what it's like emotionally. I'd been anorexic for four years in my teens and then the bingeing took over. I told her it was as if I was screaming as loudly as possible every moment of every day and couldn't understand why no-one heard me. Of course the screams were all inside.

Sorry, that may not help much as it's disheartening, but it's the truth.
All the very best to you and I'm sorry about your cat.

Wow, that’s a great analogy. It really does feel like that.
Your history sounds very similar to mine. Mine started as anorexia and moved into bulimia too.
thanks again for replying. X

Just wanted to say you aren't alone OP.
Feeling chaotic inside is the perfect description. My bulimia lays dormant for long periods and will return during times of stress, sadness, boredom or sometimes even happiness! It's like those feelings are too overwhelming and purging is the only release.