It’s very common to not want to go to the GP and to pretend it’s not happening. Your dd is binge / restricting. And you say she is a fussy eater, won’t eat a vegetable. She therefore she has signs of ARFID (Avoidant, Restrictive Food Intake Disorder), even if not at a clinically diagnosable level (you need to be eating 10 foods or less for that), and if you don’t tackle all of this, it risks becoming entrenched.
Knowing what I know now, I would absolutely insist you go to the GP to ask for a referral to ED services, even if that means you and another adult have to go as well. Tell the GP she’s stopped eating at lunch time and is eating hardly anything some days. And that at other times, she is eating in secret, bingeing on high sugar, processed carbohydrates. And tell them that she has always restricted the variety of foods that she eats and always been very fussy with her food and with what she will and won’t eat. The GP should check her BP, pulse and possibly oxygen sats. A person can be ill even if they’re within average weight range.
In the ED world, we don’t talk about calories or junk food btw. I don’t know if services will take her because things are so stretched. But saying it the way I’ve suggested gives you a chance. You’re flagging a lot of disordered behaviour and using red flag words like binge and restrict. So drop them into the conversation again if you can.
As for asking her friend’s mums, I would back off from that for the time being. Asking them comes from a place of fear and of needing to do something. When you are feeling calmer, you will be able to ask your dd this directly. And talk about the body needing to be fueled regularly.
So I agree with fruity that you should back off from the questions. You’re not going to get your dd to eat as she should by asking her these questions and you’re getting hugely emotional about it, which won’t help. This could drive your dd to feeling responsible for your feelings and guilty for upsetting you, which could push her in the opposite direction. Right now, you need to be her rock. That means giving her the message you're going to help her out of this situation. And you have a plan and she can rely on you.
In terms of what she eats, 3 meals and 3 snacks is standard treatment for all ED to keep the blood sugars stable. I would talk to BEAT and ask them what to say to your dd. Especially as I don’t know how much you know about nutrition.
My dd doesn’t have this issue. However, if I did, I would be saying to my dd that I am wondering if she might be deliberately not eating even when she’s hungry. And that when someone stops themselves from eating, even when they’re hungry, that can lead to craving high energy carbohydrates like (insert foods she’s eating eg biscuits and chocolate), because that’s what the body can start processing the fastest, so that’s what it asks for. And that the body can’t use these high energy carbohydrates fast enough or effectively and because of this, it doesn’t tell someone when they have eaten enough. And this is why someone might eat until they get the feeling of being overly full. And that they may want to avoid feeling uncomfortable like that again and it all gets really confusing as to how and when they should be eating.
Then I would be saying to her that the way to deal with all of this is to stabilise blood sugars. And avoid eating in a way that makes blood sugars spike, which then leads to them crashing. And the way to do this is to have what the body needs and to eat 3 meals and 3 snacks of foods, which nourish her body and give her the energy to do what she wants to do (eg study and play sports and do x activity with her friends) and feel energised.
Then I’d be talking about the types of foods. About the body needing a rainbow of vegetables for vitamins, complex carbohydrates, protein, She’s going to baulk at this. And I’d give her some kind of meal plan of foods that she will eat right now. You can google food plans online. I’m talking about creating a timetable. And you can follow school timings. Breakfast, snack at morning break, lunch, snack at the end of school, dinner, then snack before bed.
And just to make you aware: Low fat is bad. You don’t get fat by eating fat. Diet foods are bad. Foods like popcorn and rice cakes are diet foods. So just be aware of what you are offering her as types of foods aren’t good either. I’m aware that she has symptoms of ARFID so I wouldn’t be actively stopping her from eating them.
If you can afford it, get a dietician or ED coach on board. They are not cheap. I can give you details.