I want to get better - anyone else ready?

[ArwenUndomniel]

I've had quite a bad week of restricting, binging and purging but it sort of hit me this morning that I'm actually completely bored with this stupid disorder and I want to have the headspace to think about other things than food and my weight. I honestly have nothing to say to people when they ask me what I did at the weekend/evening because usually all I did was a lot of disordered shit involving eating/not eating. I'm exhausted and thoroughly bored and I just don't want to do it anymore. I want to have weekends that revolve around doing nice, pleasant things that I can tell people about on Monday, not trying to not eat anything and then caving and eating everything and then hating myself.

So as a first step I'm going to delete my calorie tracker app and try to just eat a normal sized lunch and dinner every day. I know so much about calories that I'll probably still have an awareness of what I'm eating, but I will try not to pay too much attention to the info on packets.

I'm still scared of gaining weight but I will try to go by how my clothes fit and how I feel than weighing myself.

I think that'll be all I can manage right now. Maybe breakfast can be a thing later down the line. Maybe I'll feel differently if I start getting too big for my jeans. But it's a start. Does anyone else want to join?

I’m in eating disorder treatment right now and I’d highly recommend seeking a referral so you have so support.

I was doing well but this week has been really hard 😭. I’m supposed to eat 3 meals and 2/3 snacks a day and I’m managing the 3 meals but rarely any snacks. My ED nurse seems to feel that I’m doing well though. I am eating more and I haven’t gained an ounce but my brain and body are working much better so I must need the extra food!

I have had a referral but unfortunately I wasn't accepted because I'm apparently not thin enough. I am starting private therapy in a couple of weeks though, with a therapist I was seeing a few years ago and got on well with. I'll see how I get on, but managed two meals today and feeling a bit less "numb" already.

@ArwenUndomniel that’s really bad of them, I’m not technically underweight as my BMI is rarely 18.5 but they said it didn’t matter what weight I was. Like everything with the NHS, it must be a post code lottery 🙁. The nurse I’m working with is absolutely wonderful and I was able to see a dietician too. It should be the same for everyone!

I am underweight, but not much. BMI about 17.6. I have to admit I heard it initially as "You're too fat" and immediately started thinking about how I could shave off some more calories from my daily total. If I was younger and more vulnerable I probably would have done. But at 46 and so many years of this sort of shit, the feeling of wanting to not do it anymore was stronger. Thankfully for me and them!

I’d say that’s a very low weight and you’d definitely be taken seriously here!

I don't want to post actual weights, but I'm about half a stone underweight. I find that once you get under 18.5 BMI every pound seems to make a drastic difference. Not that I'm saying it's acceptable, just acknowledging that there are criteria and I've got to be realistic and work with what I've got! I knew pretty much from previous experience that I'd have to do it by myself but I'm ok with that. At the moment I seem to be craving fruit and lentils, which is a bit odd, but I'm going with it! I'm sure the urge for less healthy stuff will show itself at some point.

I have been having private therapy since September which wasn’t really going anywhere. Since Christmas, I was accepted onto the NHS and now have weekly monitoring and therapy - I’ve been three times. Last week was a bit of an eye opener, my temperature is really low (34.5), my blood pressure dropped when I stood up, my heart rate is in the mid-40s - my therapist said my heart was under strain and scared me a lot. My bmi is just over 16 which I didn’t think was too terrible, but I was triaged as ‘amber’ because I lost around 4.5 stone in 8 months.

So now I’m really going to try - they told me I shouldn’t do any exercise at all and I absolutely love my team sport and am doing well at it (even though I’m in my late forties….). So yeah, I need to put on weight, I even added a sprinkle of cheese today to my lunch and felt pleased - then felt terrible afterwards 🙄. Hopefully it gets easier…..

Unfortunately I didn't last long. I tried eating normal-sized lunches and dinners for a few days... noticed my clothes were starting to feel tight. Couldn't stop myself from weighing in, and when I saw I'd gained several pounds, the outcome was predictable. So now I'm back to counting and restricting and trying to get back to my old weight.

I'm still restarting therapy and what I think I need to consider is the overwhelming sense of control and safety that the disordered behaviour gives me. Yes, it's exhausting and I hate it, but at the same time, I feel lost and unregulated without it. I was so relieved when I started using my calorie tracker again and clearly I need to find that feeling of security from something else, but what? That's what I'll need to get to the bottom of.

I'm still here and still not really making any progress. I think what I want is to be able to eat normally and without stressing about calories, but to not gain any weight as a result. Which is obviously impossible! Work is a major stressor for me at the moment and I've had no luck in getting signed off, so my current thinking is that I should hand my notice in and have a month or so off to try to concentrate on recovery. I feel like I have no control over anything except food (and not even over that sometimes). But I can't really afford to not work for any longer than a few weeks so I'd still have to look for a new job.

Idk what I'm posting about really. Just needed to let someone know I still exist, even if it is only some strangers on MN.

@Mumtofourandnomore Haven’t you been told to stop exercising? You sound really unwell.
@ArwenUndomniel Rather than doing that, perhaps book yourself an appointment with a private GP? It may be £200 but you’ll be listened to and probably get signed off for stress. When does your therapy start?

I think I’m fortunate that I saw somebody privately and this actually seemed to open the door to NHS treatment quite quickly - although my weight loss was rapid. I’m actually ok, my blood work has been mostly ok. I’m lucky to have weekly NHS appointments, but yeah, I exercise because I play team sport rather than due to my weight (honest !) - I’ll get quickly injured if I don’t maintain some level of fitness, but I have cut down (now only 3 x 1 hour sessions a week and 2 x sport training sessions).

My main issue is having a low heart rate, my temperature is improving and I am making slow progress, but progress nonetheless. I think the doctors are terribly over cautious but it’s hard to convince them I’m not in denial (genuinely, I’m not….). My sport makes me happy, so giving it up feels like it would cause me more stress than sticking with it but being more mindful and using it as a motivator.

I think the NHS support has been good but they are very stats based rather than offering emotional support. I’d prefer to stick with them rather than pay privately - that was expensive. They wouldn’t let me continue privately and I understand that - although their offerings were completely different so not much overlap.

@ArwenUndomniel, I’m sorry things are tough for you at the moment. I can relate to a lot of your post.

I was worried about putting on loads of weight really quickly (as I lost it really quickly) but actually I feel I am gradually introducing little changes and that feels a bit more workable. My mindset is slowly shifting and I think the reality of being forced to stop doing things I really like are motivating me to do better. I do restrict a lot, but I’m eating more of my safe foods and also trying to add in some ‘mid-safe’ foods, or make sure I do eat regularly even if it’s ‘safe’ stuff. And I’ve gone from weighing myself every day (in fact, twice a day at a point in time) to a couple of days a week. My consultant literally lined my blood test results up with my weight (as if it drops even a couple of pounds my bloods get worse) whereas if I increase a couple of pounds (which I did manage) they get better. So that was quite insightful and shows that small changes can make you healthier.

Anyway, I’m just rambling lol ! It feels good to write it out tbh. I’ll read it to myself in a hard day ! I’m thinking about asking them to keep the results secret when they weigh me next week. I find scales quite triggering !

Why haven’t you been able to get signed off work OP? My GP just signs me off without querying it, probably because they are so overstretched.
You would be better to hang onto your job if you can take some time off, rather than have the additional financial stress of having to find a new job when you are unwell.

@Mummyoflittledragon I started my therapy the other week but it's been a bit frustrating. The therapist isn't an eating disorder specialist (there are none within easy distance from me that I was able to find). When she first saw me she said she was a bit shocked at how I looked and was worried about me. So now I'm finding myself playing down how I feel so as not to set her off again. I've only got five sessions booked and will probably not continue them after that. I can't afford a private GP on top of that unfortunately. Maybe when my therapy finishes.

@Mumtofourandnomore it is all very difficult but I honestly don't know what else I can do. The NHS seems to think I'm ok because I'm not underweight enough so I don't really have a motivator to change. Also, I loathe exercise and will do pretty much anything to avoid it 😆

@Lambingtimesoon I asked about it and the GP just told me to phone in sick if I started to feel overwhelmed. Tbh she was running 30 minutes late and didn't really seem to be listening to me. I asked if we could consider some different antidepressants and she said "but you've tried three types and none of them have helped so I don't think medication is right for you". I think she's bored of me by this point.

Maybe she meant that you self-certify for the first seven days before you need a sick note. Honestly, I think you would be much better to do that than to chuck your job in. It seems like unnecessary added stress to have to look for a new job in a few weeks time when you might not be feeling up to it.
Try to be kind to yourself 💐