Not sure why I’m writing this (and TW to anyone who’s relapse prone).
I’ve struggled with AN (and BN when in recovery) on and off since my teens, most severe during 20s, thought I was fully recovered by 30. Had a blip during covid, like many, and another spell of treatment for a year or two, but I genuinely thought that would be the end of it. Last relapse was milder, never dropped below BMI 14, yet that one did more damage to my health than the whole of my 20s. I met a (lovely) woman in her 50s in treatment who was so poorly bless her, and I just thought, I can’t let that become me.
Last couple of years I’ve felt the most normal I’ve been in my life. I’ve wanted to keep some fat on me and just don’t care about my weight (within reason). But now I can tell I’m in the early stage of a relapse again, just as soon as I go through a patch of severe stress. Ironically the source of the stress has mostly alleviated now, but it’s too late, the switch has flipped. I only realised it recently when I lost my shit at my husband for buying me a chocolate bar. I really don’t want to become that person again.
I just feel embarrassed mainly, and like I should be past this now. I’m too old. I have a lot of new people in my life now, new job, new friends (as I tend to go through a period of reinvention every time I recover) who don’t know my history and have only known me at a healthy weight, so if it ends up dropping back off they’re going to think I’m so sad at this age. Silly thing to worry about I know.
Not asking for advice, just offloading.