Worried Mum

[OctoberRusset]

My 17-year-old daughter was diagnosed with an ED earlier this year. She’s under CAMHS – though she refused family therapy in favour of one-to-one sessions. Because of her age, I don’t get much feedback – only what she chooses to tell me.

She definitely restricts her food, and has irregular periods as a result – but I do see her eating a proper evening meal, and lunch too if she’s home (she’s in Sixth Form). She doesn't eat a good breakfast but will have something very light. She eats fairly normally at the weekend and sometimes snacks on biscuits and so on (I find wrappers in her room). She’s thin but not painfully so – and she hasn’t really lost weight since her diagnosis (as far as I can tell) but she talks about her desire to be thinner if asked. I believe her anxieties are more concentrated around eating at school. It feels a bit like she wants people to believe her ED is more severe than it currently is and she's definitely eating more than she lets on. (I haven't seen any signs of vomiting or taking laxatives).

Her form tutor recently called and said my daughter had confided in her – saying she was seeing extreme ‘skeletal’ anorexics on social media and was finding it harder to resist watching. Basically the algorithm is feeding her this material. The conversation came as part of a ‘how are you’ check – the school knows about her diagnosis. She asked her tutor not to tell me as I would ‘just take her social media away’ – but the tutor felt she had a duty of care (and also thought it was maybe a cry for help).

I’m so worried about this – but also unsure of what to do for the best. I fear that if I tell my daughter, she’ll feel she’s been betrayed by her teacher (who she believed she was speaking to in confidence) – and that could cause her to shut down on all fronts.

I can’t bear to think of her watching and being influenced by this awful content, but I fear any attempt to limit her phone access will backfire. She’ll be 18 early next year and I worry about alienating her. We have a good relationship but food conversations are very much off limits.

Can anyone offer advice?

Well the teacher has put you in an awkward position, hasn’t she? I’m not sure she should have broken your DDs confidence.

You sadly can’t restrict or police what your daughter sees. All you can do is carry on loving and supporting her and make sure she knows you’re her safe place and can come to you with whatever she needs. It’s so soul destroying having a young adult with severe mental health problems, I am there too, but I’m learning that powerlessness and hopelessness is a new normal. I’d really advise you get some support for yourself too, you can’t pour from an empty cup.

You can share your concerns with CAHMS.

Has she been screened for ASD? 1/3 of women with anxoria are autistic and need a different treatment plan.

Yes, she has. I feel so conflicted about whether to say something and it’s making me feel really unsettled.

Sorry to hear about your child’s troubles…you’re right, it certainly takes its toll mentally.

She was screened in the sense that she filled in a questionnaire at her first appointment. No red flags but i know many teen girls fly under the radar.

Have a look on this website to see if anything seems familiar

autisticgirlsnetwork.org/autism-and-girls/

I would not betray the teacher’s confidence. Several people have told me things about my dd and I have discovered other stuff myself. I keep quiet. Knowledge is power. As for your dd’s social media, my dd also looked at stuff like this. She no longer does and it took a lot of hard work on my part.

My advice seeing as your dd is engaging with services is to get yourself clued up on how you can help. Have you read any books such as skills based learning for the loved one with an eating disorder or done any of the sessions with Jenny Langley/ Charlie Waller trust.

Thank you. I think I’m going to find it so hard to be quiet - social media / phone gazing are already something that make me feel very agitated without thinking this kind of material could be part of the mix.

And no, I haven’t really educated myself on what I can do (beyond some basic reading on what EDs are) - and I haven’t been offered counselling. I suppose I’m partly in denial because I know my daughter eats more than she claims (and has periods of eating quite normally) - and I wonder if to some extent she’s feeding off the drama of having the ED label. This revelation from the teacher has completely thrown me - I’ll look at those resources..

How did you help your daughter not look at social media @Mummyoflittledragon ?