Anorexia and Christmas

[nicecupofteaplease]

My daughter (15) has anorexia, getting better at eating after a month in hosipital but still refuses to eat in front of others. In normal circumstances this is challenging but manageable, she just eats separately or with me. I was thinking ahead to Christmas though and if this is still the situation wondered how other people have managed anxiety about eating in front of others/still managed to make it feel like Christmas. Does this get better? At the moment it’s an absolute hard no on being observed while eating 🙁

I’m sorry I don’t have any advice but I didn’t want to read and run, this sounds really tough. Have you asked her what would be her ideal situation? Could you keep her a plate to eat when everyone has left? As much as Christmas is lovely, it is just a day and it’s probably best to follow her lead on what she’d prefer

Yeah don’t make Christmas a big deal. Whatever is working for her in December is what she does Christmas Day. There’s enough pressure around food at that time anyway. She can watch a film / read a book while you are all eating if she wants. Make it clear early doors that it won’t be an issue because you can be sure she’ll be planning coping strategies otherwise and they won’t be good.

Not the same situation but dc1 had 2 Christmases whereby they were nil by mouth and tube fed. We had no food out eg chocolate and decided not to go to the effort of a Christmas lunch as it didn't feel right. They were probably the least stressful Christmases we've had in lots of ways. I did a full English breakfast mid morning for those that could eat while dc1 went and got ready and then in the evening did a little buffet and watched a film so the food was never the central thing. It did feel different but the emphasis was taken away from the food and we just had some nice family time.

Someone I know had a similar situation. Depends how many guests you have, but they set up a buffet in a separate room so people could disappear and help themselves. They could then sit wherever in the house to eat. It took the pressure off everyone and made a nice informal day of things.

Thank you, that was kind of along the lines I was thinking. Like a Boxing Day buffet vibe where people graze. I know it’s not the end of the world and at least she’s eating. Might just have to adjust our thinking this year.

I've been anorexic and I agree buffet is best.
Also warn guests not to comment on how much or how little DD eats.
Christmas is particularly difficult with an eating disorder I also had social anxiety.

Look on the BEAT website. They have advice on how to manage Christmas.
If you have relatives coming you will also need to manage their expectations about what she should and shouldn't be doing/eating and potentially put up with their unhelpful advice/criticism of what you are doing/not doing. I found this harder than managing my daughter.

Yes I’d do buffet and strict instructions to guests not to mention it. Have some films on so there’s always a distraction.
Maybe play a board game together at the table so there is a time for everyone to come together that isn’t focused on food.

I would (and do with my own dd) keep Christmas fairly low key and plate up the food as usual. If easier separate yourself and dd to a different room to eat.

Tell any visiting relatives that they must not discuss food, calories or DDs appearance whilst in your home.

A buffet sounds great, and casual seating works. Do you have a side room you could set up for you and her? Even a utility room if she doesn't mind! Or set up a table and chairs upstairs, then you can take your time with her and have a nice chat. IME big days make things very overwhelming, so if she needs supervision at all I would assume she'd need it at Christmas

As a former anorexic, my mother would simply say "suit yourself" and leave me to have a miserable time alone. A lot of anorexics (not all) do get satisfaction from being pandered to.
My mother's no-nonsense approach meant I got over my illness far faster than if she'd pandered. Life is wonderful, how lucky we are to be here and to have food in abundance. Ghastly illness.