teenage dd worried about close friend - possible eating disorder

[Tapestrybird]

Hi all. I posted this in the 'Teenagers' forum but thought I would post here also. Would appreciate any thoughts and advice..

DD has just gone into Year 9. She has a lovely group of friends. One of the girls is involved in something outside of school where remaining small and light possibly advantages her - don't want to say exactly what.

DD expressed a concern before the summer hols that her friend - let's call her Clara - seemed to be avoiding food. They went back to school after the break, so DD hadn't seen her for a month or so - and apparently it's much worse. Clara looks visibly very underweight and drawn, and is always freezing cold. They were at another mutual friend's ('Ellie's' ) house on Friday and some takeaway was ordered - where Clara seemed to be making lowest possible calorie choices and not really eating.

Together with DD, Ellie is worried. In fact, Clara went away on holiday with Ellie's family over the summer, and Ellie's mum mentioned her concerns too.😔

I don't know Clara's mum at all well. All three girls are at a brilliant school that has an onsite 'wellbeing centre' where a therapist is available to talk to the kids. DD and Ellie want to talk to Clara, and dd asked me about this. I think a good approach might be for dd and Ellie to go ask for advice on how best to approach it with her, if at all. I imagine they wouldn't have to tell the school who this is at this stage, although I imagine the school might want to know...

Does this sound like the best thing to do? TIA x

Have you heard of BEAT
https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

There is a helpline that will support

Perhaps you could raise it with school?

Clara’s choices are not your daughter’s responsibility. It is lovely of her and her friend to want to help, and it tells you what a kind caring girl she is.

As the mother of a child with an eating disorder I can tell you that there is unlikely to be anything the girls can do to help Clara. I can also say that it’s hard to be a friend to someone with an eating disorder but the most helpful thing they can do is be there for her and listen to her. And yes, talk to the pastoral team at school and hopefully Clara will access the support she needs. Eating disorders are really complex illnesses and specialist support is important. I’m just not sure how appreciative Clara might be, and the lovely girls might want to know that they have done the right thing, even if Clara doesn’t think so.

My dd is recovering from anorexia. It sounds strange but I hadn't really properly clocked it and it took a comment from another mum for me to put al of the pieces together in the early days. Of course I knew she wasn't happy, but my dd was very good at hiding things from me too.

As @Theoscargoesto says, there won't be anything your daughters friends can say which will help her to see her behaviour isn't healthy - a strong diagnostic criteria for anorexia is being unable to see you are unwell. But it is definitely worth them letting her know that they care about her and are there if she needs anything.

If you are able I'd try and connect with her mum and say you have noticed some things that are worrying and offer support. We are now over two years into recovery and my dd hasn't had the kinds of supportive friendships you are describing, and had she had that I do think it would have helped a little. Recovery from anorexia is brutal for the whole family, but is possible especially as she is so young.

Send mum a link to Eva musbys book for parents.

Will take to my grave the regret I have to my head in the sand approach to dds ED. Her best friends mum (lovely full on American) actually rang me up twice to say I needed to act. I did but left it too long.

Thanks for thoughts everyone. I think the best first step is for dd and friend to talk to the psychotherapist at the school - it's what they are there for and will know the best first approach. They might advise that they articulate concerns to the friend - or possibly to tell them who this is, so their form tutor can raise it with the parents.

I don't think it's right at this point that I raise it with the girl's mum. I've only met her in person once and think that might be a little intrusive tbh. It would, I think, be reasonable for the mum of the mutual friend (who took her on holiday with her) to bring it up, as she had observed that the girl didn't seem to be eating properly...if the school don't seem to be taking any steps, I will talk to her.

Thanks again for the advice. So difficult...

@TheaBrandt1 i hope you are ok-and that your DD is too. We can only all do our best on the basis of what we know at the time, and the thing about EDs is that, as parents, until we are a bit down the line, we have no idea what’s going on or how to deal with it. I wish for you that you find peace.