Right - this is likely to be quite long, but here goes.
Throughout most of my childhood, I was always more solidly built than my siblings; fundamentally, I like food and reading more than being active. I was probably always on the upper end of a ‘healthy’ weight. Adolescence hit, and with having access to money, a lot of this went onto eating lots and lots of sweets/chocolate secretly, and my weight crept up. During sixth form, I was around a size 16 (I am 5 foot 8).
Between my first and second years at university, I developed an eating disorder. I am reluctant to put a label on this. In short, I was severely restricting calories, and when I couldn’t get away with not eating, I would make myself sick afterwards. I don’t know exactly how much weight I lost in this time, but my mum picked up what was going on, took me to the GP and I managed to break the cycle. Consequently, for the rest of university I was at a healthy ish weight (I try not to weigh myself as it is a huge trigger) and around a size 12 - occasionally a 10. This was positive.
It feels important to emphasise here that my weight had gone from overweight/obese to healthy - and so there wasn’t lots of ongoing support (eg through NHS) available to me.
Since then - I’ve gone through cycles. I’m now (somehow) 31 - and it feels like I’m stuck in one of two modes.
Mode 1: complete food freedom, no guilt. Eat what I like, don’t get involved in ‘diet talk’ at work. Happy. However - this also entails the ability to eat whole tubs of ice-cream and large quantities of cheese etc. in one sitting (wouldn’t describe this as ‘binging’ - more that I like food and am quite greedy). Consequently, during Mode 1 I gain weight.
Mode 2: realise I have gained a lot of weight (again, I don’t weigh myself after this was a huge trigger during COVID). Decide I need to lose some weight - I don’t feel happy being so overweight, my clothes don’t fit, I’m out of breath etc. (Again - this is objectively true - it isn’t the disordered part of my brain speaking!). I always try to go about losing weight the sensible way -
cut out excessive snacking, moderate portion size etc., but this never lasts. Since April this year, I’ve been on a losing weight scheme - I don’t know how much I’ve lost but I am now looking ‘healthy’ again and back into old clothes etc.
However - for a lot of this time I’ve been eating one meal a day. I think I’m currently consistently under eating and I can’t think or focus on anything apart from food.
Also since April, I’ve started going to the gym for the first time ever. Surprisingly, I LOVE going to the gym - I’m liking feeling stronger and fitter and I’m not doing this to burn calories.
I just don’t really know what to do right now. I am currently incredibly hungry. I can’t concentrate on anything. I know the solution is to eat more, but I can’t trust myself to eat normally. I know I’ll slip back into Mode 1 and then in two years time I’ll be back in this
same place.