History of AN. Am I being disordered?

[Millie2008]

I’m looking for some really honest thoughts.

Timeline:
history of anorexia - age 17 hospitalised for a few months

Weight restored to bmi 18.5 in hospital but lost it all again. Gained the weight by myself, followed by a very up and down (literally and figuratively) few years.

Would say I actually never properly recovered from my eating disorder (despite maintaining a healthy weight) until I became pregnant aged 32. Which I realise is probably quite unusual. But Something shifted. My body became something other than what it looked like, and I was sort of respecting it and nourishing it for what it could do (grow a baby then feed it). Felt very liberating.

Remained in this zone for 2 years until the birth of my second DC.

When DC2 was aged 1, I decided that it would be good to get healthy and lose a few pounds. I was probs about bmi 24 at this point

My diet was not extreme at all. Michael Moseley Mediterranean diet plus 12:12 intermittent fasting. No counting calories. Full fat everything. The weight absolutely melted off effortlessly (this has never happened in my life as I’m not naturally thin- so not really sure what went on. I was still breastfeeding so don’t know if that had something to do with it?). In a few months I went from bmi 24 to BMI 19. Felt like I did it very healthily. However, at this weight, eating disorder thoughts started creeping in. I also think that although I hadn’t restricted in terms of calories (was just very healthy- including lots of healthy fats etc) indications of health weren’t great- purplish bits on shins and hair falling out. But felt full of energy and mood was good. But as I say, around BMI 19 I noticed ED thoughts creeping in. also weighing myself everyday, becoming a bit obsessive about not wanting to gain weight.

At about this point I also started really craving “unhealthy” foods. And I told myself that at Christmas (was that month) I could eat whatever I wanted. And obvs had a massive binge over 3 days, leading to weight gain (which I expected).

I think I probs enjoyed this freedom so much that over the next couple of months decided that my eating had become too restricted (not necessarily calories) and was probably disordered (although I’m worried maybe I convinced myself of this to suit my agenda of wanting to eat whatever I wanted!). I read lots of Tabitha farah and decided I wanted to live completely free of any kind of restriction/disordered eating (as I had during pregnancy/post-pregnancy, but without any “reason”- just because that’s what I wanted in life)

I accepted that I would likely gain a lot of weight as I believe I’m not naturally thin. So I went on a year long journey where my bmi crept up and seemed to settle eventually at about 24.

Managed to maintain this for about a year after reaching this weight

Since maintaining at bmi 24 for a year, the following has happened twice (once a year ago, and again right now):

I start becoming critical of what I see in the mirror. This isn’t actually dysmorphic. I’m very petite (5ft 2.5) with a small frame. So extra weight genuinely looks bad on me - and I carry it all on my tummy, so struggle with clothes fitting nicely.

I start to have thoughts around how it’s legitimately unhealthy to carry fat on my tummy. Particularly as I creep to a size 14 around my waist (legs remain slim)

I start giving myself a hard time about gaining so much a few years ago (bmi 19 to 24)- and questioning the unrestricted approach I learned from Tabitha farah - as it doesn’t fit with what anyone else is doing (either irl or online)

I have a very stressful life - and it’s out of my control to change it (severely disabled child). So very hard to find the time to exercise. Exercise makes me feel better about my body regardless of weight. So when I can’t fit it in that adds to a feeling of being out of control.

Various injuries and physical health probs (as a result of stress and the exertion of caring for my child) - again adds to a lack of control over my life

Thoughts around how food can be the one thing I can actually control in my life- becomes an attractive coping strategy

So what basically happens is, I start by very reasonably cutting down on the “unhealthy” foods and trying to make an effort to cook from scratch, more veggies etc. This feels reasonable because, if you look at Mumsnet threads, or indeed opinions in the general population, someone with a bmi of 24 carrying weight round their tummy probably SHOULD lose weight.

However, what then happens is, I panic that the weight isn’t coming off when I do it “sensibly”. I think probs a combination of being small, not naturally thin, 40’s and being unable to do much exercise. No idea if this has much bearing- but I get v little sleep too. So I go to more and more extreme lengths to get it off. I end up going down to say 800 cals a day. And justify it as “the fast 800” diet and lots of Mumsnet threads where people thinner than me without eating disorders seem to be going on very extreme diets and being praised for it!

So, my questions I guess are:

do I have to try and accept being in a body I don’t particularly like and could be a bit unhealthy; because I have a propensity towards disordered eating which means I can never diet normally? Like an alcoholic can never have any alcohol; maybe an ex-anorexic can never diet?

Or maybe people feel that it is actually ok for someone with a bmi of 24 to go on an extreme diet- particularly if they can’t exercise much? If that’s the only way they can lose weight?

I haven’t actually lost loads. In 4 weeks I’ve lost about 8ibs (so gone from bmi 23.8 to 22.3). Which is considered sensible steady weight loss. So is it even considered in any way risky for someone in the healthy weight range to restrict to 800 cals? I read conflicting stuff.

My plan would be to stop at a bmi of 19. Which maybe sounds disordered. But then again, I’ve read on here plenty of people saying it’s perfectly healthy for people to strive for this as it’s within the healthy range?

Did I mess up back when I’d got to a bmi of 19? I should perhaps have continued just eating healthily- rather than following the idea that if you eat unrestricted for a while, your body will eventually reach its “set point” (even if you initially overshoot) - and these cycles will stop. Is that all a load of bs and really anyone who’s slim/healthy has to restrict to some degree? So maybe I just told myself that so I could be greedy. And now, for some frustrating reason I can’t get back to that weight again (well not easily like I did before). It keeps going round in my head what was different then that meant it just fell off when for a long time it didn’t even feel like I was depriving myself (that feeling only started kicking in after about 6
months).

Would love any thoughts as my brain feels well and truly confused. And thanks if you managed to get this far!

If you’re worried then it’s already not worth it imo. You know that dieting sets off your ED mindset. You’re twisting yourself in knots already, you’re checking here whether you can dip back in, whether you can get smaller and insisting you need to diet.

I think 24 with some tummy fat aged 40 does not need to lose weight. It’s a healthy weight and studies show that as women get older those on the higher end of the healthy BMI range fare far better than those on the smaller end in health terms.

If you do wish to lose weight consider engaging a therapist who will help you with these thoughts, can keep an eye on you during your loss and can check if you’re exhibiting warning signs etc.

Thanks so much for reading my long post @NewbieYou- I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.

Yes, I agree that some kind of therapy would be useful; unfortunately it’s just so hard to find the time (realise this sounds like an excuse, but it’s genuinely the case atm).

Thats interesting what you say about studies suggesting that as women get older it’s actually beneficial to be on the higher end of the healthy bmi range - don’t suppose you have any links or indication where you’d find these? I think this could really help me. It’s certainly not what we’re led to believe. Not in the mainstream media anyway.

From what you’re saying, it would indicate you aren’t fully recovered from your eating disorder and your thoughts sound anorectic. As this is the case, every time you go into calorie deficit, you are going to have these thoughts. So it’s very important for your health and well-being that you don’t ever go into extreme calorie deficit.

And 800 calories is a ridiculous amount for most, especially someone previously hospitalised for an ED. And that you’re entertaining it shows just how far you have to go to reach full recovery as recovery isn’t just weight restoration, it’s the mental factors.

From what you’ve said I am also wondering if even the thoughts you had whilst pregnant were just masking your anorectic thoughts. And as your hair fell out when you reached bmi 19, I would think firstly that perhaps you didn’t do it as healthily as you thought and secondly that your body doesn’t suit a lower bmi. Bmi is a very crude tool and just because a bmi of 19 for some is ok, for you, it sounds potentially very dangerous.

The NHS from my experience rarely gets people completely well, it doesn’t have the resources and it takes a gargantuan effort to fully recover from an ED. So don’t get upset at yourself for not having got there yet.

Don’t forget just because your dcs are no longer babies, they still need you. And if you’re not careful, you’re going to pass your thought processes and habits onto them. They’re little sponges. So now that you’ve identified there are still issues and well done for voicing it on here, you have the opportunity to do something about it.

As you’re at this point, I’m not sure that there’s any way of losing weight in a healthy way. And I agree you need help. Preferably advice from someone, who specialises in ED if you can afford it. Resources for this: https://newmaudsleycarers-kent.co.uk/expert-eating-disorder-dietitians/

It sounds like you've been really trying to get your mind into a healthy place regarding food, in spite of the challenges that anorexia has laid down. Maybe more vegetables, cooking from scratch, or something like that would be good, but the main thing that jumps out is the weighing and bmi data. Could you bin that - you don't really need to know do you? The less time spent thinking about what's right/wrong the better, as the grip it has is really about consuming your thoughts rather than directly being about food. Maybe thinking about food as a broader thing to nourish your family as a whole for the week, rather than just for you with a daily calorie limit?

Thanks for your kind yet honest words @LotaWyseWomen - really helpful.

yes,’I suspect I’m not completely recovered from a mental perspective. Which firstly feels a little embarrassing as a 40 year old mother. And secondly, can be hard to accept, when we live in a society where everyone seems to present with mildly eating disordered attitudes. It can be quite exhausting to constantly mentally fight these - and almost inevitable that I end up giving in.

interesting what you say about my pregnancy thoughts masking the eating disorder rather than curing it as I’d thought. I’ll reflect on that. But I’m already sensing there could be truth in it. I can’t imagine being in a mindset where I just feel totally relaxed about eating/weight - just because. Don’t get me wrong, when I’ve had those periods of maintaining at bmi 24, lots of it has felt good- the flexibility, the lack of rules, opening up my social life without anxiety attached, the list goes on… but it’s still a kind of mental battle where I have to remind myself of all these positives - “yes your body looks horrible, but think of all these positive things…” to stop me making the decision to diet. So body image plays a huge factor for me. Not sure how to crack that one. And again, maybe never being happy with my body just needs to be accepted in a society where thinness is so valued - most women I meet (disordered or not) seem to be unhappy with their bodies

the stuff about my kids being sponges really resonated. This is something I’m acutely aware of
and petrified of. I grew up in a toxic environment with regards to food (surprise surprise). I absolutely don’t want my children experiencing the same. They’re boys so I kid myself they won’t be so susceptible. I also kid myself that I’m able to disguise things. They’re young atm, but there’ll get more and more aware as they get older. This was a huge motivation for trying to properly sort it out- and why I went down the Tabitha farah route. But is “doing it for my children” yet another mask?

thanks for the link. I probably can afford it from a money perspective. But less so from a time or resources perspective atm sadly

There is a big difference between what society views as acceptable weight and acceptable ways to lose weight and what is actually healthy.

firstly don’t listen to people on forums about what is healthy they have no idea.

secondly what is healthy varies from person to person. In females hormones play a massive, massive part in setting what your body will consider a healthy weight and what it will try to move towards.

Thirdly the medical evidence is actually that lowest mortality is for people with bmi’s in the 25-30 range. This is not nHs advice - that remains to aim for 20-25. Either way 19 is low.

https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC11051237/

Thanks for your reply @Trallers
i agree that it would be great to drop the bmi and weight stuff. But I guess that’s the stuff that’s part of the disorder - the bit that helps me feel in control. I think maybe because I dislike what I see in the mirror, focussing on the fat, the bmi and weighing serves to try and reassure me that I’m somehow still “ok” or “acceptable”. Not sure that makes any sense!

Thanks for the link to this study @Octavia64 - I’ve had a read and it’s really interesting. How different to what we’re all led to believe too.
whats ridiculous is that rationally I do know this stuff- when I’m in a less disordered mindset (which still feels a bit like acting tbh and hoping that I’ll start internalising it at some point)- I listen to lots of podcasts and read lots of books using science to debunk lots of the “thin is best” rhetoric that we’re fed.
but it is so so hard to be insistent with this and keep on buying into it, when we are so surrounded by the opposite message. Literally everywhere. I don’t know how to handle it. I don’t know how to shut it out. It takes such strength and conviction