Struggling with DD's ED, defiance, and contempt

[publicservice]

Wits end here. DD12 started early intervention for restricted eating about 6 weeks ago: Parent Based Treatment 3 meals + 3 snacks a day. Eating has been hit and miss but overall intake is more than pre-referral, which isn't saying much. However, she’s still slipping down WFH 83 – 81%. She’s severely dysmorphic. Probably neurodiverse. We're on the cusp of an anorexia diagnosis.

I’m a single parent, 50/50 shared residency with exDH, who’s supportive. I’m struggling so much with DD's defiance re eating and obsessive exercising, and have lost my rag a couple of times with the ‘you can’t make me’, ‘you’re just trying to make me fat’, ‘you don’t care’, ‘you hate me’, etc etc. Ex took her out to give me some respite today as I have very little left to give, and she’s back to him tomorrow for a week.

I’ve tried the quiet authority, the incentives and punishments, threats of admission etc. Sometimes I stick to Eva Mumby and other times I feel like I've no clue what I'm doing. Next step is the enhanced pathway which I think involves a community professional coming to the house 3 times a week to help with eating. Bring it on. At times I'm wishing for hospital, just for someone less emotionally involved to step in.

But in the meantime I’m so out of ideas, finding it hard not to cry, and just feel so so alone.

DD doesn’t give a toss what I think of her or how I feel, though does care about what outsiders think about her, so there may be a lever there.

How have others managed the utter rudeness and brutal determination to lose weight?

OK I've been there, although DD did have an anorexia diagnosis at the time.
It's hell but what helped
Me being signed off sick with anxiety /depression/stress due to serious health issue of daughter.
Are you working, is her dad working? Realistically you can't deal with this AND work.
Your daughter also needs to stop being at school otherwise there is no way you will monitor it.
It will take everything you have.
You and Ex need to be 100% consistently on same page otherwise she will divide and conquer.
Make a meal plan, hopefully with ED team help and religiously stick to it.
No negotiations, this is what the medical professionals have told her she needs to get well.
Sit close to her at the table.
Tell her it is not her fault she is eating it is your fault and you are making her do it to get well she has no choice.
Give instructions, I need you to pick up your fork now and take a mouthful. If she throws it on the floor quietly pick it up, replace it with fresh food and start again. Eating a meal may take a hour + so be realistic about this.
Make her eat in dining room/kitchen
Do your best St to not let her in kitchen at other times, she may tamper with food, water down milk etc.
She is not to be in kitchen whilst you prepare her food.
Try and distract whilst eating chat about pets, TV, holidays anything.
Also KEEP TELLING her how brilliant she is, for example you are so creative, that you as a wonderful picture you drew, x pet really loves to be with you, it was so kind/helpful when you did x, that piece of school work you did was fantastic, I love you ve it when you hair falls like this, you have such beautiful eues/ hands/legs etc etc etc keep doing this positive reinforcement on repeat she will reject it hate it but keep going.
After she's finished eating do something nice together, don't let her go off and potentially exercise madly or be sick, watch a box set, play a game.
Repeat repeat repeat, she may spit at you, hit you, scream and shout, trash the house. Calmly repeat you need to eat to get well the doctor has told me this is what we need to do and put food in front of her again.
All high calorie options, full fat etc.
It will feel like it is breaking you but it won't, you will survive and your daughter will get better and be happy again.
It's a massive ask and personally I think it's only a parents, well tbh, mothers, unconditional love that can do this.
Hospital will sound really tempting option but it may be miles and miles away and a group of anorexics are not a kind and supportive group they will quickly become quietly competitive with each other and very possibly learn new tactics, pick up more harmful thought processes etc.
My daughter struggled for a long time but she had just graduated university and now has a professional job and more importantly is happy.
It's a hell of a journey but you will get there.
Just try and grab a moment to yourself when ever you can reach out to family and friends for support and pare everything back and just concentrate on getting your daughter well.
Medication for yourself to take the edge of it may also help.
Wishing you and your daughter all the best xxx

Thank you for replying and sharing your approaches and story with me. So glad you and your daughter are doing well xxx

OP, this sounds absolutely horrendous, and it is no wonder that most parents of anorexia teens themselves need intense support.

When I read your post I can understand why 200 years ago people believed that demonic possession was real!

I have nothing useful to add but strength to you, and a speedy recovery to her.