I want to preface this by saying that I'm not sure this thread even belongs in the eating disorder topic. I've never really spoken about it to anyone except for DH, so I can't tell if my relationship with food is bad enough to be classed an eating disorder.
I'm trying to condense 27 years of life into a post so this may be a long one:
I was an overweight kid from around age 5 into adulthood. At times a bit overweight, but for some periods verging on obesity. Lots of factors contributed. My mum was depressed for years and when I was very small she'd basically just give me frozen pasta meals (I learnt to cook for myself quickly and was the main cook in the house by age 12). My parents had horrible fighting matches and I think I started looking at food for comfort very early on. My extended family regularly made comments about my body from primary school onwards, and I started to get bullied for my weight. The overeating got worse. Certain foods began to be demonized in my house (butter was the enemy, even in small doses) and this only made me want to eat more. I remember having massive binges late at night when parents were asleep.
I eventually got tired of being called fat and lost some weight in sixth form, and then finally at university became very physically active and got to my healthiest weight since being 5. I was still eating whatever I wanted, just not bingeing. I felt really good in myself and that's when I met DH (which I think had less to do with me being 'skinny', and more to do with confidence, I think he would have liked me with a bit more weight on regardless).
Two good years followed, then a pregnancy when I felt good and was active, and a fairly straightforward postpartum. Then I had a massive upheaval in my life, changed career course, had big fall out with parents, moved continents, had another pregnancy (this time horrific, couldn't keep down even water) and a very traumatic birth. For the last year and a half I've been trying to deal with birth ptsd, while taking on 90% of the childcare (DS goes part time to nursery but DD won't be in nursery until this coming January once she turns 2), which is good for DD but is honestly making me miserable as I really miss work, which I then feel guilty about. I put on probably 30 kg in the pregnancy and have lost no more than 10 of those (not been weighing myself so just guessing).
I absolutely hate my body now, have no time to exercise (and kids don't like being in the stroller for long periods of time, so I can't just walk around with them), and often no time to eat because DD is so demanding. So, the evening binges have started again. Last night I ate a whole pack of eclairs past fullness just because I felt so overwhelmed, exhausted, sad, and done with it all. I ate my feelings like I used to when I was a kid. This has been creeping up again slowly in these really challenging last 2 years, and I feel like I can't stop it. I feel like all I am now, like Pam says in the Office, is 'just a fat mom'. No time for myself, no time to feed myself properly, no time to exercise, no time to properly rest. DH tries to help however he can (and says I'm beautiful all the time) but it's not really helping. People tell me this is just a phase of life and I'm sure that's true, but it feels like it's lasting a long time. All I can think about is eating because it's the only comfort at a time when I'm pretty much sad 100% of the time.
This may not count as an eating disorder because it's not like I've been hospitalized as a result of my eating habits or anything to that degree of seriousness. But it is affecting my life and it is making me miserable. If anyone has gone through similar cycles of bingeing, has anything helped?
Thank you if you've read to the end of this mammoth post.