Immediate steps for 13yo

[tearinmyheart]

My 13yo DD left me a note yesterday saying she's worried she has an ED. a while ago she gave some lunch to a friend who hadn't brought any in and since then has often given away her lunch and in the last week or two has skipped breakfast. She has thoughts about being fat and hates PE etc because she's consumed by thinking everyone around thinks she's fat too. But she's worried and she called a hotline who advised her to speak to someone so that's what she's done.

For background she's been a "fussy" eater since about 2years old and the more I read the more some of her disordered eating aligns with ADHD, which we've been looking into/thinking about for a few years as the more we learn the more it aligns with her. So this might be a comorbidity issue.

She's been in private therapy for a few months because the last 3-4 months she's struggled more than normal with emotional regulation and she asked for it. She has a few times superficially self-harmed as well. We have a meeting with her therapist this afternoon anyway (and her) and school know about the overwhelm she sometimes feels, the self-harming and starting to look into ND assessments.

I'll call the GP this morning but would love some help and advice on the immediate thing to do now. She said in her letter she doesn't want to talk about it, that she feels ashamed and doesn't want to be a burden but of course we do need to talk about it. Do I just give her a hug and say we'll chat about it with her therapist later and send her off to school? Do I make sure she definitely eats her breakfast and not go to the loo immediately afterwards? I feel like I know the practical steps I'm supposed to be taking (therapist, GP etc etc) but not what to actually do with her, if you know what I mean?

CBT private

You should be proud of your Dd for reaching out to the hotline and then telling you. That is an amazing step already done there

agree with CBT as the above poster said

as for breakfast this morning that may well be too soon to ensure she eats.

I had an eating disorder for 13 years so the advice you need really depends on what stage she is at so she really needs to be assessed.

over the years of speaking with other in the same situation as myself we all seemed to have different strategies and things that worked for us individually.

some found having a grazing board helped them to eat as it felt more like ‘ I only had one, grape, 1 strawberry, 1 piece of cheese’ etc and then there was ‘lots left’ rather than having the above on a plate and thinking ‘oh my god you shouldn’t FINISH my plate’. If that makes sense.

some of us used timers and were able to have a mindset that we could eat when that time went off so if gave us a sense of control

some of us made sure anything with calories, salt intake and any information on the packet was immediately discarded so we couldn’t become obsessed with looking at what was in our food and how many calories etc

some of us managed treat days like some people do on diets and were able to control our eating until treat day- although this did cause a great lot of binge eating and then possibly throwing up which I didn’t feel was good for my situation

some of us removed any weighing scales and full length mirrors from our homes

some of us used distraction techniques and our families stopped having ‘set meal times’ so the pressure was off a bit

some of us became obsessed with excercise. Which is good to a point as it meant we were distracted and some we’re more likely to eat as they needed the energy while others took it too far and the control they felt from excercising loads and then not eating outweighed the hunger

my parents allowed me to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted even get me a McDonald’s at 4am it didn’t matter

some foods that you may be able to get into her are smoothies fruit or vegetable ice lollies, ice cubes, rice cakes as they feel light and made of nothing

it’s so so so so so difficult and people who don’t have an ED just don’t get it. Keep an eye on water intake as loads of us would drink gallons of water to feel full

Thanks @lottleandlittle I am very proud of her and have told her so. I'll speak to her therapist about CBT

Yes to therapy though cbt isn’t right for everyone, get professional advice on that.

id also suggest talking about good nutrition and balanced meals, emphasis in eating healthily and that it’s important for our bodies to work, don’t mention size. I take it she’s not overweight at all? Slim? It’s an age they do notice the other girls are different sizes so we emphasised fitness being important as one of my DD’s is naturally slim, the other stocky, she’s the fit one. 3 healthy meals a day and supervise as much as you can. My eldest would skip but we nipped it in the bud

Yes we'll take the advice of her therapist as I'm assuming (hoping) she'll know what might be the best approach. We've always talked about being healthy, fueling yourself with nutrition, fueling your brain and body etc.

I'm as nuerotypical as they come so just wondering if there's an approach I need to be taking that might not occur to me considering we think she might be nuerodiverse. I'm aware she's been very brave coming forward and I don't want to scare her off

Your GP or school can refer you to CAMHS for an ED assessment and this could be a gateway to an assessment for ND and mental health support. I’m not convinced private CBT would be the right treatment at this stage. With ED and self harm you’d be surprised how quickly things can escalate and become much more serious. Personally I’d get her in the system asap, private treatments and assessments have their place but you have to fit a criteria to be suitable and when things like self harm are involved it’s more complicated.

ok, thankyou, have called the GP

send her to school anyway.