Support thread 14 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Curlyhairedassasin]

New thread as old one is filling up

Flapjacks ideally home made /hot cross buns /sourdough toast with almond butter (it’s trendy now) / bananas / smoked salmon bagels with full fat soft cream

@FruityFrog thanks that's good advice. We’re actually eating out tonight at an Italian for my DH birthday and she’s already spiralling. She seems to like the buffet where she can self select everything. So far she’s had quite a bit of fish, rice, potatoes loads of salad. Breakfast has been a muffin with egg and fruit. I’ll try the yoghurt idea thank you.

Ergh flipping fish. Dd at her worst was wittering on about fish. Foods I came to hate fish / celery / rice cakes / cucumber / melon. We hate those foods they have no substance or calories.

@Raspberrysins I'm terrified that I'm going to lose control and over eat, but also worried that I'll continue the trend of under eating too, so having a set amount and combination of foods is really helpful.

@Raspberrysins @TheaBrandt1

I don’t agree with saying fish isn’t ok. This is animal protein, which is massively important for brain recovery. My dd turned vegetarian due to restriction. When she started eating chicken again I was absolutely over the moon. This is likewise low in fat. And like fish, chicken is high in protein and amino acids, both building blocks for muscle re growth.

Yes of course we all want our dcs to be eating a wide variety of animal protein, fats and oils. However, your dd is pretty motivated considering you’re not at home Raspberry. We couldn’t have done that with dd. Still can’t.

My dd is also eating rice cakes, cucumber and melon alongside lots of biscuits and crisps. And whilst they definitely are not ideal foods, for someone also suffering from ARFID, they are part of her current diet. And cucumber and melon are better than no fruit or vegetables.

As for your response, Raspberry, it was substantial relapse. Well because she’s never actually recovered, she is never truly out of that situation.

She halved her intake overnight. She’d had a couple of stomach migraines through stress over Christmas so she was already depleted. Then I had a bit of a frank talk to her in January just after her mocks had finished because I couldn’t take the manipulation anymore. If was something an NT person would take on the nose very easily. Stuff like if university started now, she can’t feed herself and therefore isn’t ready to move out. This was after almighty amounts of pressure and control from her and regular threats and manipulation to not follow the meal plan, to stop eating and her anxiety going through the roof during UCAS application and her mocks. All throughout the application process and her mocks, she was being vile to me, telling me she was moving as far away as possible for university and if she doesn’t get in, Paris or Thailand. It’s all anxiety based and I pushed her too much.

And the relapse came and she reverted to the angriness, she hates me. She wishes I was dead etc, which happens when she starves her brain again. Because of the PDA traits, I can’t take charge of her eating, she would just not eat. Everything is by negotiation and incentivising her. So I spent the entirety of half term sat on the sofa in the kitchen saying ‘grab yourself something’ every time she came downstairs. I’m not allowed to use the word snack anymore. It’s best I don’t use words like food and eat if I can help it. This is what pulled her round.

And I was thinking about your dd and getting her to follow rules. Would getting her to read books some published resources online or websites about the treatment for ED help?

I’m sure you’re aware 3 meals and 3 snacks is the way out of it. I hope you’re getting some irl support. 🌹

My DD is still quite restricted in the variety of foods she will eat but for snacks she will have hot cross bun/croissant with butter, banana and a pot of custard (the "luxury" one is more calorific) or a chocolate biscuit bar with a packet of crisps. Things like milkshakes or smoothies with cream/peanut butter added can work. but my DD has never liked milk.

She is also an autistic rule follower - so long as the rules are not made by me. It did take having someone from the ED team tell her that she must eat three meals and snacks a day for her to start doing it.

@Mummyoflittledragon that's what I mean. The structure of having a specific combination of goods within the means and snacks is helpful though, otherwise the ED just interprets 'breakfast' as 'an apple', rather than carb+fat+dairy+fruit. I am getting help though, thanks, it's just unfortunate that the 'doing it' is down to me and my brain!!

I made cake for my DD for one of her snacks. flapkacks, rocky road, carrot cake, lemon drizzle (but with added icing), coffee and walnut etc. I did tray bake shaped cakes as for some reason she found eating a square of cake easier than a slice.
She would have a savoury snack in the morning. She liked nuts and raisins with a glass of milk..but also cheese is good, or cream cheese on bagel or crackers, crisps, peanut butter and apple slices.
Evening snack was always a smoothie made with milk, full fat yog, oats, banana, berries and honey. I added cream too.

I sadly became part of this horrible club in December when my 15 year old daughter got diagnosed with anorexia.. For my daughter she’s fearful of food quantities so I’ve been seeking out the highest cal versions of everything and mixing butter and cream into anything possible. In terms of high calorie snacks - Belgium waffles (the ones in M&S are 250 kcal each and are only small), millionaire shortbread, Rocky road, flapjacks, Nairn oatcakes with choc chips, luxury hot cross bun toasted with a thick layer of butter melted in, mini cheddars with hummmus or cream cheese, croissant with cheese, shake made in a blender with double cream and icecream…j use the blender alot and in the early days was easier to get her to drink a milkshake rather than food. I echo some of the other posters, the more cals you get in the better. I know it might not work for everyone but I kept my daughter out the kitchen and served her the meal without telling her what was in it! It’s a slog but we’ve gone from 78WFH to 85WFH and my daughters sparkle is slowly coming back

To be fair, I should have said DD is pretty much now at 100% WFH thankfully, so I’m less fussed about getting zillions of calories into her and just want to offer her a bit of variety other than cereal bars and biscuits!

thank you all for the ideas.

It’s good that you’re aware and actively participating in your recovery@FruityFrog. It’s interesting what you said about breakfast just being one item, that’s what dd was like in the beginning until I forced the issue.

@Mummyoflittledragon the ED is going to try and get away with eating as little as possible!

Yes, unfortunately I see that.

hi everyone. I actually burst into tears tonight in a restaurant on holiday. It was such a stressful day. My DD had been grumpy all day as our ‘walk’ wasn’t sufficient (she had wanted to do a big hike but plans changed) I knew this was driven by the ED. She would normally be happy chilling out on holiday. Anyway we had planned an Italian for my DH birthday. She had been stressed all day but we’d let her see the menu etc. she chose tomato pasta. Refused any Parmesan. She was so stressed it was awful. There were no calories published and she saw it had cream in so was freaking out. There was barely any cream! It was a truly awful stressful experience.. in the end I said if you don’t eat it I’ll take you home tomorrow. I am not proud to say I cried in my seat.. I said I just wanted to be a normal family enjoying a meal together 😓 She sort of switched and just ate the whole lot. She apologised for ruining the holiday and then things were ok. But she is not ok. I can see now that this holiday was a bad idea. But we all needed it so badly and I didn’t see how bad things were! Sitting at that restaurant- suddenly it was crystal clear.

I’m so sorry, it’s so hard emotionally. We had similar experiences and the reality really hits that life is not normal anymore…but tell yourself this won’t be forever. Once you get back from holiday you might find you need to avoid any meals out or with others for a while as the ED will start kicking off when confronted. What you describe as her ‘switching’ is also something I’ve seen in my daughter, I wonder if it’s the battle of wills in her head between wanting to please you and wanting to please the ED? Unfortunately those meal battles will probably need to be tackled head on when you get home but for now I’d focus on the positives (she did eat the pasta!) and trying to get as much into her as you can for now

This is very true. She is absolutely having a fight inside her head and I’d think from her reaction, it is about pleasing her mum. So it’s important to also see the positives in this. You got upset @Raspberrysins and your dd was able to override the ED. She loves you and you have a really good bond by the sound of it.

As a general rule, I wouldn’t recommend this as a strategy. Your dd needs you to be strong to guide her out of this. And if you were to keep doing it, she’d likely see it as manipulation.

And yes, life will at some stage be normal again… allegedly. We aren’t there yet though.

@Raspberrysinsdont feel bad, we’ve all been there. When dd was right at the start of the illness I took her on holiday and it was very similar. Dd was very stressed, pushing to do more exercise and not eating enough. I cried everyday I think 😢

Thank you @ArtfulBird for your encouraging post. It’s helpful to know that. I have to know it will pass. And yes it wasn’t my finest moment crying in a restaurant.. I tried not to but it was high tension and I wanted my husband to have a lovely birthday. Will definitely be avoiding these situations for a while.

Bless you. We were you this time last year. Through luck brilliant advice and the musby method we are through it. DH just texted saying Dd just scoffed her second breakfast of the day ( they are on a trip together). Her weight is low end normal but the weird behaviours are gone. I hope you have the same outcome. Dd is NT thought.

I’ve noticed my DD takes a photo of everything she eats and I’m suspicious. Although she insists she isn’t using anything like AI to calorie check I think she might be. Does anyone know of an app or similar which does this?

I’ve seen one advertised somewhere. Maybe on FB or Instagram. A quick google and something called Cal AI comes up. It is not a free app but you get a 3 day trial. Idk if there’s anything like that for free.

I’d say you could ask chat gpt

As in your daughter could be.

@Raspberrysins how old is your dd? Have you had a look through her phone?

I took DDs phone off her for quite a while at the start of FBT. My dd also denied looking at stuff she wasn’t meant to be looking at although now admits she definitely was. SM such as TikTok and instagram are particularly terrible for pro anorexia content.