A little help needed..

[seasaltandsand]

Hi all and thanks in advance..

I think I’m struggling with an eating disorder and following a recent (unrelated) hospital admission, it has been suggested that I am enterally fed to regain weight - no diagnosis of ED.

The weight loss I have medically rationalised as being related to a chronic autoimmune disorder, which had flared and recent infection. The team want to re-feed based on this low appetite and loss with no other behaviours disclosed during the admission.

My BMI is currently 14/15, my eating habits terrible. They can be restrictive - eating healthy options in small portions and also follow binge purge cycles. I am more than aware that my relationship with food is terribly unhealthy and for the best part hidden, other than obvious lower weight. This has been the case for more than 20 years with things unravelling in my later teen years.

During my hospital admission I felt open to addressing this aspect of my life. I felt potentially accepting of the enteral feed as a means of taking my control out of eating but since discharge home I feel I’ve convinced myself I’m okay and can manage myself.

I have periods of I guess clarity, where I feel dreadfully uncomfortable with bones sticking out ie - bathing, chairs/ car uncomfortable to sit for any duration and clothes don’t fit or wearing children’s. I can feel embarrassed by my size and can’t stand anyone mentioning my size/ weight/ what I am or aren’t eating.

I’ve got outpatient review soon and expected to have started to regain weight. I know I won’t have, when I first got home my BMI had fallen further into the range of 14 and my sick mind isn’t helping me move forwards, particularly as family are watching closely and that doesn’t help.

I wonder if anyone has experience they could share of taking the first steps?
I am wondering what recovery looks like and how to achieve sustainable healthy weight gain?
Is there a way to gain muscle weight rather than fat weight?

Now I’ve rambled on I’ll post before I lose my nerve (again)

I’m very very sorry you are experiencing this. I had too many friends go through ED while I was at school and it is a savage illness. It plays with your mind and body and dominates your life. I think you know the answer - you need to listen to the professionals and let them treat you. This involves letting go and trusting - so hard, but so vital for any of us to grow in any parts of our lives really. Don’t try to plan this yourself or DIY improve. And no you can’t and shouldn’t just gain muscle weight not fat weight - fat is healthy and keeps your brain and nerves ticking.

Kindly, you have an eating disorder. Please be honest about that with those that care for you so that you can get the support you need and deserve.

B-eat is a great first place to start, informative and helpful and there is a community on there. My DD had an eating disorder. The denial is something I recognise as is the desire to put on muscle weight. The reality is, you need to put on weight. You are very unwell and eating disorders have the highest mortality rate of any mental health illness. Please tell someone in real life, please get help and support.

Recovery is possible but first thing first: you have to accept that you are ill with an eating disorder and you have to ask for help.

The problem is that your body needs fat to function. What will happen is that your body will start to eat itself and your organs will start to fail.You'll become very weak and may end up going blind. You're committing suicide and need to start feeding yourself.

Many people with ED are self medicating. Focusing on starvation and being hungry numbs mental pain and distress. When you start to recover, the pain will come back so you need to have support around you.

Take whatever is offered because help is difficult to get. You might find Beat helpful.

At a BMI of 14 you are dicing with death.

I think it might be useful for you to accept some responsibility for the choices you are making.

If you read your post it is littered with words used to minimise/deflect and invoke the passive e.g I have medically rationalised
my eating habits […] can be restrictive (not I choose to eat restrictively)
I felt open to addressing this aspect of my life. (I felt open to addressing is denial speak for I felt open if a whole heap of impossible conditions were met, and they could just stop talking about it)
I felt potentially accepting (more denial speak predicated around impossible conditions: on this one you are at least three steps away from actually taking action)
I feel I’ve convinced myself I’m okay and can manage myself (you know perfectly well that you can’t. And it begs the question- what can you manage? maintain a healthy weight/stay alive/get them off your back?)
…and on and on it goes to this doozy
Is there a way to gain muscle weight rather than fat weight? - which I am not even going to comment on.

I do want to say something about this though particularly as family are watching closely and that doesn’t help. in the context of my first sentence - at a BMI of 14 you are dicing with the death - what is it that you are asking your family to do? to not care that you force them to see; or to look away; or to not bother you about it. Can you not spare a moment’s thought for them and the stress of their lives due to your illness.
I also think it is massively unfair of you to make their concern for you the reason why you choose not to engage with getting better.

I think the fact you have written here shows that you know you are at a crossroads of either an early death or committing now to actually dealing with the fact you have had decades of anorexia.

I wish you the best of luck, the first step is making the decision, not toying with it, and poking a bit to find the minimum amount of effort to keep things under wraps.
Actually actively choose to live a life free from this. Commit to getting better and set yourself goals for gaining weight and maintaining your BMI at around twenty.