DD (12) losing weight on purpose

[OffTheLawn]

My lovely DD (12) has lost a lot of weight over the last 6 months and is now underweight as per the NHS BMI calculator for children. Family, friends etc have all been commenting on it to us, and it’s become very obvious how thin she is. She was a normal weight previously.

She is very active, exercises most days incl running before school, and has started eating much smaller portions at home. She has been making comments like ‘can we just have salad tonight, I’ve eaten too much today’ and ‘this portion is way too big mum, I couldn’t possibly eat all that’. When asked, she would always say that she is fine, just feels full quickly and is not trying to lose weight at all.

She buys her own lunch at school, and when I ask her about it she will say that she has proper meals as well as cookies/chocolate - but obviously I don’t actually know what she eats there.

Over the last 6-8 weeks we have been trying hard to encourage her to eat more, by cooking her favourites and letting her have any treats she wants. But when I weighed her this morning, her weight had gone down again.

I was surprised and a bit shocked, and said that we might need to speak to a health professional about this.

She then got very upset, admitting that she had been feeling low, judged and insecure since starting secondary school last September, and admitted that she was trying to lose weight on purpose. She begged me not to tell anyone or take her to speak to anyone, and that she will stop doing this and start eating properly. I told her that I was glad that she told me, that she is so loved, and that we as her parents will work with her on it.

I am so shocked, mainly because she is so young and also because she’s always been a really happy no-nonsense girl. There have been arguments and drama at school, but she does have several close friends.

I feel totally blindsided. Where do we go from here? Can we turn this around on our own or do I need to seek professional help (which she doesn’t want)? I have a feeling that she won’t be able to effectively change her behaviour / relationship with food and body image simply based on this one conversation today.

thank you for reading, any advice is really appreciated.

Yes she would need professional help.

i work with children and young people with eating disorders and body dysmorphia.

get her private CBT intervention with a therapist specialising in children. If they have an IAPT NHS Background, this is ideal as they know the evidence protocol.

if it continues she is best to be seen by psychiatry

As your dd has been restricting her food intake for quite some time, her weight may still go down even if she is eating more. The body can go into hyper metabolism, where intake requirements are far higher than a 12 year old girl, who has never restricted her eating.

The good news is that your dd recognises she has an issue. It is highly normal for your dd not to want intervention. Her brain is being starved, her gut bacteria changing, which leads to a lot of anxiety. Every calorie that she’s lost, she is going to have to eat that as extra calories to restore her weight. So if she’s running at say 1000 calories a day, she’s in daily deficit of 1200. That’s a hefty amount to eat on top of the average daily requirements of someone, who has never restricted their food intake.

In your shoes, I would seek help right now. If you can afford it, pay privately and at the very least someone with a lot of experience with working with eating disorders rather than someone, who just has it on their CV. We’ve had to go for a highly specialised eating disorder coach for dd. She was totally in denial that anything was wrong and didn’t think she needed to eat to live. So your dd is a long way from where she could be.

If you don’t have the means to pay, get a referral to the local eating disorder services. You may need to go through your GP. Some local authorities allow you to self refer. As she is able to vocalise her issues, she’s actually more likely to get help.

In the meantime, a couple of resources.
Eva Musby: my dd didn’t get on with this. Your dd recognises there’s an issue and is younger so it’s definitely worth a try as she can bring amazing results. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Anorexia-other-Eating-Disorders-compassionate/dp/0993059805 Eva also has a website.
This is what I use for dd. It’s much gentler and good for people with https://www.amazon.co.uk/Skills-based-Caring-Loved-Eating-Disorder/dp/1138826634/ref=sr_1_1?crid=2EJP9JV9ICBZO&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.JvKLcIjZrRXF0KT1f2Klsm4epqnLwXl7Oyq4aixzLY6_LOuOYEOY7CMv_aCHqvRZWka7Ujebfr_x31UL9x9yudVwXkiAYyRpq4r1Z83vTDo.bTpoSXMTbgM55d5CFVAoy4AYGcuMzRnTdseAqkIwiPg&dib_tag=se&keywords=Caring+for+the+loved+one+eating&qid=1743141036&s=books&sprefix=caring+for+the+loved+one+eating+%2Cstripbooks%2C72&sr=1-1 There is also a New Maudsley website with lots of information and links along with dates on carer training if you end up needing it.

Also, let the school know. They need to know that sort of bullying is going on, or they can't do anything about it.

If the school runs an account style system for food, they may also be able to tell you what your dd has been buying for lunch.

Good point about the school on both counts. I used to check on the school app every day to see what my dd was buying. Now it’s the credit card. I can’t see what she buys. Just the amount but it means she’s buying food.

The only question then is, is your dd definitely eating the food she buys?

Definitely seek help now. In my area, there is a separate eating disorder part of CAMHS which is fast tracked- see the GP. Definitely speak to school.

I was your daughter. In just 6 months I'd lost a significant amount of weight and was already in the grip of an eating disorder that would take over my life for several years. In the early months I swore to my mum that I would stop and improve on my own, but if you read my diary from that age, what I said outwardly did not match what my thoughts and intentions were inwardly.

The urge to starve is so strong (it's an addition and extreme fear) and your daughter will deceive you (and to an extent herself) to do it. She needs professional help. Try and focus on the help being to improve her anxieties and self-esteem and not about eating more and packing on weight. This condition is nothing to do with food, weight, health or exercise it's all about developing a harmful technique to manage deeper feelings and these feelings need addressing and new management strategies learnt and put in place.

With the right help. She absolutely can, and hopefully will, get better from this. Good luck.