Relapse

[nervouslandlord]

So my daughter has been home this Xmas and is obv relapsing. V thin.
Had treatment starting Orri over the cusp of 2023/24. Back at work early 2024, lives independently.
I'm putting her back on the train at lunchtime. And am desperately worried. Her circulation is poor. She is thin. She is unhappy. I know EDs are wicked evil things and may lurk for years or even forever.
What can I say this morning other than 'I love you and how can I help?'
I feel so bleak

Are you sure she’s well enough to be returning? I know someone, who’s dd relapsed and she went to live with her in her university town for a couple of months or so.

I would have thought. I love you and because I can see you’re unwell and because I can see you’re unhappy I’m coming with you or I want you to stay home and we will go through this together etc. Twke her to the GP. Get her signed off work.

Yes I've done those things before. Been to stay etc.
I obv can't get her signed off work - that's for her to do. And tbh I feel the structure of work is good. The relapse has occurred during this unstructured Xmas period. Always a minefield for sufferers.
I have two hours to talk to her before her train. She's doing some yoga at the moment - her exercise substitute :(

It was difficult when DC was 16, as she did not give permission for camhs to speak to me. But once 18 there is not much you can do.

I did email the uni GP asking to keep an eye on her weight more frequently, as she had lost weight. However GP told dd basically they didn't have the capacity to weigh her...

But yes, although not planning to live in her uni town, have been visiting regularly. Made sure we had lunch and dinner together.

Hi, really sorry you're going through this. This might not be right or helpful, but here's what my mum did that really helped me. Heads up: this only worked when I decided that I actually wanted to recover from anorexia, otherwise there really isn't much you can do except tell her you love her.

• I was living at home during that period, so agreed with her that she would pack my lunch for me. We agreed on what would go into my lunchbox so I didn't have any surprises.
• Likewise, she would cook dinner and she encouraged me to eat the 'scary' foods.
• I spoke with her about this and while I was recovering we agreed that she wouldn't comment on my appearance if it was weight-related. So she wouldn't say, 'you look too thin', or 'you're looking healthier', as both types of comments would trigger me a lot. However, she could say, 'I like your outfit', or 'you look really pretty'.
• Although it's really hard, trying to make mealtimes as non-pressuring as possible. E.g. not staring at me while I ate, commenting if I was slow to eat, commenting if I ate more than usual. If I felt scrutinized, it felt harder for me to eat, whereas if I felt more relaxed I would usually feel more comfortable eating.

Honestly though, all you really can do is say that you love her and are there for her. You can support her in her recovery, but unless she actually wants to recover there isn't much you can do.

This sounds really hard watching your daughter. Can you manage to get her back to orri? Or similar?