Very occasional bulimia

[Wedidntlearn]

I'm nearing 40 years old. In my early 20s I would binge and purge often...going through phases of multiple times a day and then maybe stopping for a few weeks. Sometimes a few months might pass. It was a struggle to stop, but I tried very hard.

As I got older and more disgusted, worried and unwell with my behavior, it always became months between purging. Also after moving in with my partner it became harder to do, so that helped I suppose.

During my pregnancies, I did not purge and very did rarely inbetween pregnancies either. It's been many years now since I've purged often, however it does still happen.

I do not want to do it, but even if many months or even a year might pass, I will end up doing it again. Even if only once and then not again for another 6 months, say.

Will I ever be free of this? Do I need to just accept this is how it is? I would not say I have an eating disorder as it's so infrequent, although I know it is not normal either.

I have never told a soul about this and I'm not sure what I'm looking for here but it's been so long now and im tired of it - maybe just some advice or encouragment would be nice. Thank you for reading. 😊

Following with interest OP as I am in a very similar situation. I have no ‘advice’ to give but lots of understanding and sympathy.

I don’t purge often now but certainly think about it almost every day and I think I see it as a ‘comfort’ to have it as an option if I am feeling ‘too big’, if that makes sense.

I find now that I don’t live alone, those rare nights or weekends when you have the place to yourself, I inevitably binge and purge because I feel it could be my only ‘chance’ for a while.

Did you ever have proper MH treatment or did you stop through willpower? Either way well done, but do seek therapy if you haven’t. ED are awful and can reemerge at any point and you deserve proper support

I'm sorry you have been through this too! That is so similar to me - I'm very rarely home alone but if I am, I will binge and purge, because like you say, it's the only chance to do so.

Thank you, i appreciate that. No, no MH treatment for this specifically - I have never told anyone about this behaviour and would really rather not. I feel very embarrassed by it.

Do you actively binge knowing you will purge after or do you overeat on occasion and then feel the need to purge?

Good question. I overeat and then feel I need to purge.

When younger, it was definitely binging on purpose, knowing I would make myself sick after. I'd go to the shop to buy all the treats. 😬 That is not the case now.

You have nothing to be embarrassed about. Quite the opposite. You are a strong women who wants to get rid of this foul disorder because you are worth a better life than that. You have done brilliantly so far, but allow others to help you. You can get counselling over the phone - you can give a fake name if you wish to make it less 'you'.

If you are not purposely binge eating to purge this is a positive at least.

Build from that keep an honest diary of when you vomit and what you have eaten.

It sounds like you are winning the war maybe just not some ambush battles.

Nothing to be embarrassed about. You have no idea how many eating disorders we see in adult mental health. Go to your GP and get some support. You deserve to get it off your chest. Xx

Eughh I'm an occasional purger too.

In my 20s I was horrendous, twice a day. Grew out of it but still find it difficult to go for a meal, all I want to do is go home and puke.

It's ridiculous I know, I just want to be normal 😕

@Wedidntlearn @PollyCreo and anyone else affected… would a support thread help any? Is it BED rather than bulimia?

OP, you could try the BEAT website. There are chat boards on there, where you'll find people like yourself. It will make you feel less alone, as well as providing support and suggestions.

When I reached the end of my ED support my nurse said something that really stuck with me. She said that I was a healthy weight with no significant medical concerns and that I could probably live this way for ever - with the behaviours and the mindset - just balanced enough to give me that control but not tip into danger. But god....it's so time consuming and exhausting to have that mindset and it's always in the back of my mind that I could easily slip.
I want to be free of it and it's down to me.

Identifying your triggers and learning how to manage them is key IMO, and knowing what works for you.