@PermanentlyExhaustedPigeon80
You’re welcome. I just wanted to ensure you’d seen the PM as things have been pretty active on the thread.
I’m sorry to see how distressed your dd is. I agree with persevering as eventually your dd will come to understand that you will be there for her whatever happens, that school isn’t a threat and nothing bad will happen to her. My dd had issues in primary school. It was so much easier at that age I think. I used to keep her distracted until it was almost time to go to school then get her dressed and ready for school in the last 5 minutes, basically creating a whirlwind so that she didn’t have time to think about things, which then kept her anxiety a lot lower. I realise this isn’t possible for an older child. Just wondering if distraction works for your dd in any shape or form. And what sort of things she would do with you / hee younger sibling (I think I’m right in saying you have a younger child?) before school eg crafting, watching tv etc.
As your dd is not eating much, her anxiety is very high and she is lacking resilience to overcome any kind of difficult situation. My dd likewise struggles a lot and yesterday morning she was in tears over something, which wouldn’t have fazed her before the illness. For your dd, this is manifesting through separation anxiety. My 16 yo dd also some separation anxiety herself.
The ED coach has spoken to me recently about using Socratic questioning for dd’s current obsession. It’s a therapeutic tool. I’m wondering if this could be of any use to you. If you google ‘Socratic questioning separation anxiety’, perhaps there will be some useful information. Instead of just reassuring your dd, you would be asking her questions to get her to gently challenge her thinking so that she works through this herself, albeit get that’s harder when her brain is being starved.
@wandawaves
I forgot you’re not in the UK. So the New Maudsley technique is a gentle approach to coax the ED sufferer out of their shell, support them, and nudge them in the right direction. I’ve changed how I speak to dd very much. I speak softly and gently, like she’s a much younger child than her age, as though she’s still a primary aged child. It’s slowly worked with dd albeit it’s taken quite some time. Here’s the Amazon link to the book. https://www.amazon.co.uk/Skills-based-Caring-Loved-Eating-Disorder/dp/1138826634?ie=UTF8&tag=googhydr-21&hvadid=719417706401&hvpos=&hvexid=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2980061738185440580&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&ref=pd_sl_3fqcld3nnr_e&tag=&ref=&adgrpid=170683664778&hvpone=&hvptwo=&hvadid=719417706401&hvpos=&hvnetw=g&hvrand=2980061738185440580&hvqmt=&hvdev=c&hvdvcmdl=&hvlocint=&hvlocphy=9046178&hvtargid=dsa-1595363597442&hydadcr=&mcid=&gad_source=1 There is also a lot of information on the website. And a manual (caring for a loved one with an eating disorder), which is more comprehensive and gives you lots of examples, which could be useful if you aren’t able to access the workshops, details here: https://charliewaller.org/mental-health-training-support/parents-and-carers/eating-disorder-workshops ... but I don’t see why you wouldn’t be able to, it’s just timings in relation to your sleep time. A lot of the manual is on the new Maudsley website. https://thenewmaudsleyapproach.co.uk and here’s a link to the manual stuff. https://newmaudsleycarers-kent.co.uk/new-maudsley-carers/
As for snacks, just keep on going. The drinking the orange juice is largely symbolic at this stage and Jenny Langley talks a lot about micro steps. To gently challenge and get that sip of orange juice to be more than a sip. She talks about how someone went from drinking a thimble of milk to a small glass and a larger glass etc… and the milk started off as skimmed btw before changing to semi skimmed then full fat. I have tried this with my dd and thus far haven’t had much success due to suspected PDA. But it may work for your dd. Ie starting on what to us seems like a ridiculously small amount of something and gently, slowly working upwards.
@Glitterfarti
I am sorry that your dd is struggling so much for so long. I kept my dd at school. There were a couple of weeks, when she ate only 1200 calories the whole time and she was too ill to go and just went for certain lessons (I now know she should have been at hospital not school) but apart from that, she went in. She was GCSE year and desperately wanted to sit her exams. I used this to ensure she ate something at lunchtime otherwise I said I’d need to come and collect her.
I sent her a text every day varying the message about how much I love her / am proud of her etc reminding her each time to ‘please remember to eat something’. This was enough and a lot less direct than saying it to her, which would have elicited a PDA response. She admitted a long time after the fact that she only ate one of the 2 sandwiches and discarded the crust but it was symbolic. The main way that dd ate more, especially in the earlier days was to eat with her friends and they went out for lots of meals. At one point, this was the only way she’d eat at all. I know it’s common for parents to go to school at break / lunchtime. That simply wasn’t an option with dd. That would push her the other way. She’s admitted to the ED coach that she can only manage 3 meals a week eating with dh and me.
Dd has had a lot more time off than if she were well. If your dd is able to manage a whole day at school and physically well enough, it is also probably better for her to be in school. Direct threats, as you’re likely very aware, simply don’t work for a lot of sufferers, particularly if they’re neurodivergent. With dd it’s always been consequences and explanations. Asking her to please remember to eat to keep herself safe and that I’m going to need to pick her up if she’s not able to eat something at lunchtime because if she isn’t fuelling her body, she doesn’t have the energy to be there.
@EDjustdiagnosed
It sounds as if your dd’s anxiety is possibly very high and if this is the case, she simply cannot engage. My dd is only now starting to engage with the ED coach, almost one year on and that’s taken monumental amounts of work and involved the coach borrowing a dog to go on walks with dd. It’s been dh and me, mainly me, who has been getting dd to eat and to try to build her resilience up, but it’s very long and hard. Jenny Langley (her contact details are on the New Maudsley website I just linked above) has talked in her workshops about how some ED sufferers can recover without accessing therapy. Once the brain has recovered, the anxiety reduces and this can take up to a couple of years. You’ve done absolutely brilliantly to get your dd to regain so much weight. It is only natural that her anxiety is high as she’s been through a lot of changes quite quickly. To compare to my dd, who from the lowest point to now has gained 5 kilos in 9 months and there have been many challenges along the way. Tabitha Farrar healed herself and doesn’t believe in therapy. Her stuff is only for adults and she’s written about her journey as well as recovery books. Here’s a link to her website https://tabithafarrar.com.