Support thread 13 for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Curlyhairedassasin]

New thread as the other one is filling up fast....

@TempersFuggit When you go to A&E they may tell you that an ED is not an A&E matter but you explain what Mummy has said. But without mentioning calories in front of your DD. They will take her temp when they triage her. If she has palpitations or is faint they will probably do an ECG. Please ask the doctor not to say that her obs are in keeping for someone with anorexia in front of her as she will hear this as everything is normal and you are catastrophising and it will make your job much more difficult when you get home.
Your DD may not be at this stage yet but if she doesn’t engage with 3+3 then it can go downhill very quickly. Wishing you luck and a lot of hope

Thanks @Shanghai101. I found the Youtube video really scary by the way, very valuable though, thank you for recommending

When we presented at a&e I just said I was concerned as she had been eating only about 500 cals for several days. They just carried out all the MEEDS checklist tests. They never questioned our attendance at any point.

Oh gosh sorry @TempersFuggit . I must have become desensitised to it all. For ages I was too scared to Google anything and didn’t know about this thread. I trusted that the health care providers had it n hand and I didn’t know anything about FBT or meal plans. She was given so much autonomy. And she aged out of children’s services so was put on the adult waiting list. It was a disaster. I now see education as the most important factor in fighting this illness as a family.

I'm pleased I watched it @Shanghai101 , but it's awful to think of any young person having such demons to deal with. You are right though, knowledge is power.

(((((())Trigger for sexual abuse Please do not read any further as potential trigger for some)))))))))

I've just seen on my 13 year old daughters phone she has disclosed to her friend
'She's been raped'

No other details other than all I know is that she's been struggling with her mental health for 18 months or so, was under CAMHs, has self harmed and diagnosed with eating disorder but she was on the road to recovery and discharged from CAMHs

I'm keeping her off school and haven't even told her yet -

I'm taking her for a chat just me and her

Please help I'm literally so lost and don't know what to start and to to approach the conversation with her ?

Am I wrong for thinking it may not have even happened and I'm hoping she is lying !
I feel sick if this has happened how ?

Where do I even start and how do I manoeuvre this ?

Her dad is at work a long way away ! So he wants to come home but I've said let me talk to her so she's not overwhelmed
Last thing she needs is both of us

Now what?

I'm going to request she goes back to CAMHs
She needs professional help and I was sceptical about her coming away

But on the outside she seems fine but I know she is struggling

I’ve just seen your post. I am so sorry. I would reach out to places such as the NSPCC for advice if you haven’t already done so and / or people like the safeguarding lead at your dd’s school.

If your dd was discharged from CAMHS less than 6 months ago, you may be able to just get her straight back in directly by calling them without asking for another referral from the GP.

@Mummyoflittledragon has some really helpful suggestions. It might also be worth reaching out to a specialist organisation such as https://rapecrisis.org.uk @2daughters82 so sorry this has happened. 💐

@Mummyoflittledragon @Cantfindthewordsddstruggling
Thank you for

So, I've had a good chat with her
I've spoken to the school SG and she has told me and is adamant she hasn't been...
Trying to get to the bottom of 'why'

She has told 2 different people and she said because she ended it with her boyfriend as he was too touchy feely and the best thing to say was that because she was raped before then that would be a good reason for him
To understand?

I'm still racking my brains.....

This boyfriend is her 3rd boyfriend, the first one was just friends, the 2nd she would meet up with in the park and the 3rd similar.
Some of her friends have had sex, she's year 9 and 13 years old 😫😫😫

She has a phone but we limit it and she's very good with it and sensible
As in she does her homework and has a good social balance now considering she was unwell at the start of the year and in hospital with ED

@2daughters82 That does sound like a plausible explanation for why your dd would make up a story. It doesn’t fix the issue of telling others she’s been raped.

Is the school able to offer your dd any additional support? I agree with you about reaching out to CAMHS and if that’s not an avenue you can pursue, your GP or some private therapy if affordable and your dd can engage.

I am just aware that there may be fall out from telling these 2 people and she may at some stage now or later need some support. Girls tell their mums things and their friends. So the friend your dd texted will possibly have told another friend and her mum etc.

Hi there, just wanted to update you and ask for some advice, since my first post, Things have moved quickly, and we now have a referral for the 'Maudsley Centre for Child and Adolescent Eating Disorders (MCCAED)/King's College London' first appointment on Tuesday morning. We have also signed up for the Charlie Wallen course this weekend. We have also had her obs done at local hospital, which involved a four hour wait at A&E Monday night, but which showed that all of her bloods and readings were normal which was a relief. DD is still adamant that she's fine, feels great, and is also terrified of getting fat. She was very distressed at the hospital when they weighed her and she still had her clothes on, as she thought the nurse would think she was fat. We are managing to get her to eat two incredibly small meals, blueberries and melon for breakfast, fruit tea, and a chicken salad for dinner, but she would live on coffee and pepsi max if we let her.
I've emailed the school and her Head of Year has arranged for her to speak to the school counsellor when needed, and DH and I are arranging our working days around dropping her off and picking her up to conserve her energy.

So it's all going as well as it can, but she is still not eating enough to keep a gnat alive. I'm petrified she's going to waste away between now and Tuesday. We tried to reason with her, told her that she won't be able to go and visit her family at xmas, but nothing seems to work, she is petrified of food now. We're keeping as calm and cheery as possible around her, but we are both so frightened for her.

Hi all. My DD asked me to post this. Last year she was in an ED unit for 9.5 months. She had missed 2 years of school. She has been admitted to general hospital for medical stabilisation 8 times - I remember the alarm going off in the night as her heart rate became dangerously low. She had run away twice to avoid eating - once ending up hundreds of miles away. She self-harmed and had suicidal thoughts. I had had to give up work. Her DB was devastated. Our relationship was rock bottom. She was ageing out of CAMHS and Adult services were expressing reluctance to tam her because of her lack of engagement. Then SHE TURNED IT AROUND. She is now well and happy, with friends, a part-time job, and today she got an interview for Oxford to study psychology: her personal statement talked about her experience and her desire to understand how the brain can be self-destructive. What I'm saying is "Never give up". No matter how dark the situation, recovery is always possible. Hang on in there everyone and fight, fight, fight!

Aww nan 🥰 your dd is amazing as are you. I'm so pleased she's doing well and life is moving forward.

Tempers, you are now in this horrible limbo space where you know there's a major problem but you're not yet in the system properly 😕 it's a shit place to be but one where most of us have been.

I'm not sure you can do more than you are, keep going with giving her food and don't hesitate to take her back to a&e if you're worried. Your dd is absolutely not well enough for school/college so I would stop her going, she needs to be on complete bedrest.

I'd also say that school counselling at this point is at best pointless and at worst harmful so I wouldn't encourage that at all. The school counsellor was hopeless with my dd and knew absolutely nothing about anorexia, she actually made things worse 🤦‍♀️

Therapy isn't encouraged at this point anyway as their brains too starved and thinking too irrational. It's not dissimilar to looking after someone with dementia or other brain based disorder. In starvation mode the brain can lose up to 40% of its mass. The body takes all the fats and calories it needs from the brain and just leaves the basic impulses (breathing etc) alone.

The fruit for breakfast is pointless, could your dd be convinced that porridge is healthy for breakfast? I would make that with double cream and give it to her. I swear this saved my dds life.

What your dd needs is fats for brain recovery, lots of teens never need any therapy they just need to recover their weight and allow the brain chance to recover.

Double cream, butter, lard etc is your dds medicine.

I would love for her to eat any of those fats, but there is no way I can get her to do that, she has a visceral hatred of it, although I might manage some avocado.

I felt that the fruit at least had some nutrients, all she wanted to have was coffee.
I will try again - thank you

@TempersFuggit Avocado is good, and strangely, was one of my Dd's safer foods. Play up the 'superfood' element. Could she be persuaded to drink Boost, Ensure or Fortisip - these are nutritionally complete drinks available from chemists - some patients find them easier than food. It is great news that you have been referred to the Maudsley - they really are the leaders in this field. Wishing you all the best.

@NanFlanders how incredible you both are. I remember that as we were descending into hell, new circles of hell were opening up for you. Your DD’s recovery has been swift compared with mine but we are making slow progress and my DD is reclaiming her life, bit by bit. I think it goes to show that there is no right way to recover and some may need a lot of therapy and others may need minimal. They do it in their own way at a pace they can handle - which will never be quick enough for us mums.

@TempersFuggit i was going to suggest avocado too. Would she have a tablespoon of seeds/nut mix with breakfast. It’s better that she eats something at breakfast time as this may be the hardest meal to reintroduce. Would she consider yoghurt with seeds sprinkled over the top she could have the fruit too if she wanted

You’re unlikely to be able to make any substantial changes without the help of the clinic but anything you can add in will be helpful because it is about getting her back into the habit of eating regularly again.

I know that Kings College do research on anorexia so I think between them and the Maudsley you are in very safe hands.

You might find that your daughter will eat more in the evening, so if possible, try to get her to have a little pot of Häagen-Dazs are Ben & Jerry’s ice cream at night time. Or even a bar of chocolate. You may have to eat with her 😊

One more thing @TempersFuggit it might be better if your daughter was on bedrest as it would impress upon her the fact that she cannot continue to restrict her food and keep living a normal life i.e. going to school. One of the first things I learned at these workshops is that it is perfectly understandable for us to drive our kids to and from school or drive to multiple supermarkets to find a specific brand of humus et cetera, but all we are doing in the long run is enabling them. Of course, it’s not that straightforward and sometimes we do have to drive in the middle of the night to find something because we need them to eat to stay alive and if they will eat anything then we will go to the ends of the Earth to get it for them. But you get the gist of what they are saying. Our kids have to understand the consequences of their actions - but obviously there is a time and a place for all of that and you will know better than us what your daughter needs right now.

Thank you @NanFlanders for that inspiring post. I do wish your dd all the very best of luck and success. 😄

@TempersFuggit I also agree that it is pointless anyone talking to your dd that doesn’t have very specialised knowledge of how to talk to someone with an eating disorder, who has got to the stage of being fearful of food. My 16 yo dd was the same earlier this year. She swore blind she didn’t need food to live and that the amounts she was eating of less than the intake of a 1 year old was absolutely fine. I asked an experienced counsellor to talk to her about eating and the counsellor actually made it worse as she said completely the wrong things because this is such a specialised area.

I get it’s a hard journey and you’re already doing so much to help your dd and keep her safe. The course will be really beneficial and equip you far better for Tuesday.

I am actually at the stage still of getting dd x food from one shop and y food from another. For dd it is working even though long term this isn’t good.

Thanks @NanFlanders for sharing. I remember your posts so well when things were to unimaginable difficult at your end. It is so encouraging to hear this. We hit a new sort of low this week and I really don't know how to carry on. I really needed to hear a happy end story.

So DD16 finally diagnosed with anorexia. We've been sent all the info to start FBT. She was with her Dad last week who, it appears did nothing. I tried to instigate things with dinner tonight and she has fled to her room screaming like a banshee and refusing to eat because she doesn't know the portion size or how many calories.

I've got the Maudsley book but I can't see anything in there about child refusing to eat - it appears i was meant to get her to agree to the plan, but she simply won't do that.

Help! I can't drag her downstairs. Do I try to gently encourage?

If you want to do Maudsley method, it is gently encouraging. ‘Sweetheart I notice that you’ve expressed a lot of anxiety around dinner. I can see that this is really hard for you and I want to help because I love you so much and because I want you to have the energy to do go to school / hang out with your friends / x activity. Please trust me, I know what your body needs to be healthy and can you please come downstairs and eat dinner with us.’

If taking the food up to her helps, then fine. If her dad does nothing, is this a safe environment? This must be so confusing for her.

I tried all of that, I stayed calm. She spent an hour screaming how much she hates me, I'm making it worse. She would have eaten it if I'd let her weigh and portion it "properly", she will kill herself if I insist on this plan and she won't eat. We're at A&E now. She hasn't eaten.

Her Dad is f**g useless. Nods along at all the appointments but doesn't actually put any bloody effort in.

My DD was exactly the same. Good recovery.