I don’t know where to start with this I will try keep it simple.
I was not an overweight child but grew up around dysfunctional adults with disordered eating and drinking. Like over eating, secret eating, poor nutrition, lack of exposure to food groups, excessive alcohol, food as reward and punishment, cruelty about weight gain that kind of thing.
I was an overweight young adult and when I had children I became obese through disordered eating and drinking, depression, hormones pregnancy etc. I tried to be careful not to expose my children to too much of it, I made sure they had healthy cooked meals and they do not appear to have issues with weight or body image but now they have access to their own money they do choose to eat junk food more often than not which can worry me. I do not comment on their choices I make sure I healthy options are available and I still cook regularly for them.
I’ve also had times during adulthood where I have lost the weight then slowly gained it back.
I am no longer obese or overweight, I am within the healthy range for my height. I have also addressed some of the issues. I don’t drink alcohol barely at all, I’ve addressed my mental health and the horrible relationship I had with my parents I am very low contact. I have had more food exposure so I do not have hardly any aversions anymore. I enjoy food.
I have what I thought I wanted and needed. I’m fit and healthy, kids healthy, I don’t over eat or drink anymore. I’m not depressed or anxious in life. I have a nice life and nice children. I worked hard to get here mentally.
I am generally happy but I am very focused on what I eat now, how much I exercise and feel stressed if I have a weight fluctuation. I don’t want to feel this way. I want to feel relaxed and enjoy life. I worry I am too focused on this and I can’t relax. I’m not afraid of gaining weight as much as I am worried about losing the control I have over my whole life. Life is good. Not just simply because I am thinner. Obese me represents years of being unhappy. I hate photos of myself because all I can see is how horrible I felt about myself. This version of me feels like I have achieved something and made progress and I don’t want to lose it.
Is this a normal way to feel? I am unsure whether it’s normal or if I now have a different type of disordered eating now.
Please can I say that I do not associate being overweight with unhappiness for everyone. it is my own personal experience. Body weight is not always representative of underlying issues and you can be very happy, love yourself just the way you are and I think that is wonderful for anyone to have