Son's girlfriend is anorexic

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My son has just turned 16 yrs and his girlfriend of the same age has anorexia - as advised by her parents. She's attending therapy and have a meal plan, but when she stays, which is regularly, she eats one mouthful. Her parents do not give me a meal plan to follow nor are questions asked as to whether she eats anything when round ours.
I've asked my son as to what she will eat to give her a fighting chance to like something at ours as she stays for days on end during school hols/weekends, but how can I support her. I've told my son to keep offering her drinks/snacks in case she will have something, but as she doesn't know I know, I'm wanting to support her without being obvious. Any ideas.

Maybe her parents are thinking being exposed to new people may build her confidence

You mean to eat more?

You're surely not thinking that being in your house will help her to recover from her ED?

And PP are right that she shouldn't be taking part in sport.

I think if she is going to stay at your house and her parents think that’s okay, then I’d agree with what some PPs have said - just don’t make a thing about food. Don’t ask about what she’s eating/ offer her things or put her on the spot about food. Make it available but don’t focus on it or obsess over it or do anything that might be construed as pressuring her to eat. And this is probably pointing out the obvious but absolutely don’t comment on her appearance ever. Not even things that feel positive to you ‘e.g you’re looking well’, which to someone with anorexia can be received as ‘you’re looking fat’.

I don't understand what you mean by staying with you is going to build her confidence? That is just a totally irrelevant idea in this context - who are you going to have an open conversation with? Not the girl herself I hope? her parents maybe, but don't try to talk to the girl about it.

I don't think you understand the complexities, it is a bit like being a drug addict in some ways, the lying, the manipulation, the deceit, the danger to life - except the addiction is to refusing something, rather than taking it - I am not explaining very well, but confidence is a redundant concept here.

I hope you manage to untangle yourself from this situation painlessly for all, it sounds really tough

I’d just have food available (dishes in the centre of the table to pick and choose from if family meal times, side salads etc), and then not comment positively or negatively.
offering snacks won’t help at all.

The very fact that you think your son should offer this girl endless snacks shows that you have no idea about anorexia and eating disorders generally.

Son has friend with Ed, we just tell him to make sure to keep talking to us and not let it fully take him over. Best of luck op, it’s so hard, you feel very helpless, in our house food is a big thing so it’s hard to just say ‘if there’s anything you want you can let me know’ as opposed to offering snacks as you would normally with visitors

TheShellBeach
The very fact that you think your son should offer this girl endless snacks shows that you have no idea about anorexia and eating disorders generally.
Possibly why op is asking for help, you don’t get a handbook when a visitor with anorexia is around your house and the internet is a large place

Definitely this. They are far too young for this even without the anorexia. It's too much for your ds with the added food issues.

Hi OP - relationships are hard to navigate at this age for parents - how strict to be about things etc. I would say your role here is to be a sounding board for your ds. Letting him know you are on his side and how tough it must be at times for him to be in a relationship with someone with an ED. Helping him to know how to put in place healthy boundaries for himself in this relationship (and goodness knows we all struggle with this) and to be his rock as this relationship is unlikely to last but he may need help to leave it. Boys are particularly bad at articulating their feelings so you may need to do these sorts of conversations during. Other things eg driving somewhere, doing the dishes. Good luck!

Parent of a severely anorexic young person for 15 years (now not actively anorexic).
Anorexia has nothing to do with food, food is just a vehicle where the anxiety, depression and obsession is placed on, focus on other things like making sure she is comfortable, enjoying your space and relaxing, just as you would anyone else, don't focus on the food she probably has enough of that in her life already.

It took my DD years of in and out of hospitals, treatment hospices and near death experiences to finally decide that she had to stop or die, she chose life, and although not exactly ok, is no longer anorexic. It can be a long arduous journey.

A bit harsh seeing as how she’s respectfully asked for help on this thread! She hasn’t asked for this situation. She’s trying to navigate it.

Please don’t assume her parents know what is the right thing to do. If she is relatively newly diagnosed then they will be stumbling through the process themselves and so may well think it is ok for their daughter to be away for extended periods and will assume she will eat “something”.

She won’t eat unless supervised so every hour she is with you she is not eating.

She needs to be at home so her parents can literally sit with her through 3 meals and 3 snacks a day. Everyday.

Please reconsider having her to stay with you while she is acutely ill. Personally I would not want my 16 year old son dealing with this but should he want to continue the relationship he needs to go to hers so she can have supervised eating within her family.

I completely agree with the poster who equated this with drug addiction. She will do whatever it takes to get her “fix” of not eating. All you are doing (unintentionally) is facilitating her drug taking.

Obviously everyone is different. My dd did meet up with friends and continued going to school. Camhs did say that at her weight they would normally recommend staying at home. But in some , incl my daughter meeting friends, going to school was absolutely the right thing to do. It did eg as mentioned by pp improve her confidence .
I think I would have wanted to discuss this further with the girls parents....

100% agree with this - getting out into the world, keeping up with friends and school are a really important part of road to recovery.

Which is why the OP’s son should go to her house so that the meal plan can be followed.

But based on the OP post, the girlfriend is with them for days at a time - it is too much unless they are prepared to follow the meal plan and make her eat (which is - awful as it sounds- the only option with anorexia)

She’s probably spending so much time at your house because she can get away with not eating there. I’ve been through years of this with a close relative and agree with PP that it’s very similar to an addiction- the lies and the deception around eating are similar to an addict who swears they are not using/drinking. Agree also that you need to focus on supporting your son. He is too young to be dealing with this. To be blunt he is an a relationship with someone who is starving. She needs to be home with her parents following her meal plan. If her parents are anything like me (ie human) they are probably glad of the break, because it is absolute torture trying to get someone with anorexia to eat five times a day. It destroys family life. That said she needs to be there or else in hospital. I would try to learn about anorexia from Beat and encourage your son to do likewise. Help him to see that he can’t help her; she needs professional help ( although it’s often not great but that’s a whole other story) It is a very complicated life threatening mental health disorder. Good luck - you sound lovely and kind.

Agree, I think parents have a responsibility not to let things get so intense too soon.

I've seen these mini marriages fall apart in a big way so many times

Agree with all of this

It's not nice to make someone unwelcome in your home because that have an illness.

I agree
You cant help manage her MH issues and could make things worse. She could also be "hiding" from her parents and treatment plan at your house

This. Another anorexia sufferer. I thought exactly the same… She comes to your home as you won’t watch or challenge her and she can get away with not eating in your home.

I agree with pithylion I would not let her stay. Assume responsibility for this child, and she is still just a child, could be deadly.

Have you discussed this with her parents? If she's only eating one mouthful at your home she does not sound well enough to be at your home.

For context my dd is recovering from anorexia and during the early stages in recovery she needed to be at home for all her meals and snacks.

Once she was more stable she could begin to eat at other peoples homes with careful planning.

It does not sound like your son's gf is well enough to be at your house.

This girl could very well be using the OP's home to avoid eating.
Anorexia is very difficult to recover from.
I don't really think that this is a question of not wanting to discriminate against someone who is ill.

I thought that.

While I understand the concerns about her health while staying with you, and even agree that perhaps it's better he is at hers as she is so unwell, I am not sure it's as simple as "discourage the relationship" as some PPs have said.

Sixteen years olds aren't twelve year olds. While most teenage relationships don't last, I do know lots of couples including my parents and my brother who met their partners at that age and are still together, married, kids, grandkids etc.

At 17 I was definitely in love with my boyfriend. It was an actual relationship - not a child's version of one. I wasn't very mature, and neither was he, which probably contributed to us breaking up but my feelings were not of a child with a silly crush.

I feel like trying to get them to split up is going to send them all Romeo and Juliet and "us against the world". Your DS is going to think that you're horrible to tell him that he should break up with his gf because she's unwell.

I feel like all you'll do is push them closer together and make him want to speak with you about it less. Then if he actually does start having doubts and wanting to leave her, he'll be less likely to speak with you about it and even feel like he has to keep going as he doesn't want an "I told you so".

I feel like the cleverest thing, if you think your child's relationship isn't particularly a good idea is always to be extremely supportive, be kind to the partner and be a person they can confide in.

Maybe you can speak with the parents or maybe there's a charity you can get general advice from. If medically it's a bad idea for her to be with you so much than you can discuss it from that angle. But I'd really think that it will be much more successful if you come at it from a place of care for her.