Son's girlfriend is anorexic

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My son has just turned 16 yrs and his girlfriend of the same age has anorexia - as advised by her parents. She's attending therapy and have a meal plan, but when she stays, which is regularly, she eats one mouthful. Her parents do not give me a meal plan to follow nor are questions asked as to whether she eats anything when round ours.
I've asked my son as to what she will eat to give her a fighting chance to like something at ours as she stays for days on end during school hols/weekends, but how can I support her. I've told my son to keep offering her drinks/snacks in case she will have something, but as she doesn't know I know, I'm wanting to support her without being obvious. Any ideas.

Let her make her own choices in line with her treatment plan and what she can manage. Don't make her have family meals with you. Don't comment on her food /drink / intake /size at all in any way. Don't make this your son's problem to assist with. Tell him he can leave her if he wants to and he doesn't have to stay with her because she's ill.

Source: former anorexic (inpatient at 16) and parent to child with severe mental illness

I'm also an ex anorexic. Honestly, don't think you can make a difference here. Don't try to tempt her with snacks, don't comment on what she eats or doesn't eat, don't let it create tension at mealtimes. Just serve up meals and be relaxed about whether she eats or not.

Where you can help is being there for your son if he is getting pulled into a caretaking role or getting stressed about it. Anorexia is very very challenging for everyone around the sufferer.

Do not encourage your son to keep asking her if she wants a drink or something to eat.
Thats not going to help

Just to add to this, it's important not to try to tempt her to eat. Anorexics are not fussy about food, they are in a life or death struggle for control over their bodies. If you did tempt her to eat something 'forbidden' it might even make things worse by tempting her to purge or restrict even harder.

She is getting help and her parents will let you know if there is a way you can help. In the meantime, let your home be relaxing and undemanding for her. And encourage your lovely son not to try to be her rescuer.

Personally, I would not want to take responsibility for her at all. I would not have her to stay

The anorexia would best be dealt with by her parents and medical team (I'm assuming she's getting help).

On the other hand, I'm very surprised that the OP is content with letting 2 children have a pretend marriage in her home. At 16yo, isn't this a bit much?

Why is the gf staying over at your house so often?

Op it's not about giving 'her a fighting chance to like something at ours' she isn't being fussy or choosing to avoid things - she's scared of what food will do to her body. And the loss of control. I agree with a pp, not sure her staying for days on end is giving your son space tbh.

Stop letting your 16yo son have his girlfriend who is struggling with her mental health stay at your home for days on end. This is not healthy for either of them. It is amplifying the importance of a teenage relationship. This is a problem even for teens not struggling with any issues. In this situation you risk creating a dynamic where he feels responsible for her and her stability hinges on the success of the relationship. It is too much for 16 yos. Let them date, but send her home at night. They need to have that line drawn that they are still children, not pretend to be adults.

I agree. I think he needs you to draw that boundary for him op.

And while she is at your place during the day op, let your home be a “light” place for her - without anxiety or pressure.

This ^^

I think your role should be very focused on protecting your son. This is a serious mental illness and not something that he or you can help her with. I would minimise their time together, not encourage more of it.

They are not children at 16. They aren't yet adults, but they certainly aren't children and the only thing you will achieve by trivialising their relationships and infantilising them is the loss of their trust in you - which is the most powerful protective factor a teenager can have.

When my ds dated a girl with anorexia I asked him to tell me a few of her safe foods. If she was with us at a mealtime, I put food out buffet style in a different room from the one we were sitting in, put plates etc nearby and just said "everyone take what you want when you want it". No other references to food or eating.

As a former anorexic I would be cautious about letting her stay over too often. I jumped at the chance to be out of my house as much as possible so I could always be lying about what I was eating/ avoid eating. Being at yours so much where there isn’t a treatment plan/ support with eating (which echoing others, you can’t/ shouldn’t be trying to do for her) could just be providing an opportunity for her to not eat/ engage with the treatment plan at home.

I’d be encouraging my son to end this relationship, and certainly wouldn’t have the GF staying over regularly and for mealtimes. Your son has just newly turned 16. This is too much responsibility for him at this age. He doesn’t need to be responsible for someone else’s mental health issues. I realise this sound callous, but anorexia is deeply complex and can’t be solved by offering “drinks and snacks”.

Thanks for your replies.

Unfortunately, she's not local at all hence staying some weekends/days during school hols in our spare room. They met through sport.

An anorexic teen should not be doing any sport - Op you are in way out your depth in a situation you have no understanding of, Putting it bluntly, she has a dangerous illness which might prove fatal, and the chances of a full recovery are not great. I wish her all the best, but this is far too much for a 16 year old to be taking responsibility for, and she should not be unsupervised in your house.

I wouldn't be having an anorexic teen over for an extended period. A day or the odd night, fine. Otherwise, she should be at home following her treatment plan where her parents can keep an eye.

Stop telling your son to ask her!!!!!

She will be so uncomfortable eating in your house, even in front of you. Her parents would have given you food plan if they thought she was at that point to follow in your house

And like others have said stop having her stay for periods of time

I would discourage this relationship. He is far too young to handle the seriousness of her mental health issues imo. It is difficult enough for an adult in a LT relationship to cope with . And unless the sport is horse related should she even be doing sports? Can't understand why her parents are allowing her to stay regularly at your house. Do they share a room ? Way too soon and too young . I am older and wondering when this became acceptable and normal?

I would leave her to eat and drink what she likes, when she likes with no pressure or comment. Don’t get your son involved and trust her parents and therapists know what is best for her and will contact you if there is an issue you need to support.

She needs to be focusing on her treatment and staying at home where she can keep to her eating plan more. My primary concern would be my son and how inappropriate it is for him to be in a relationship with someone very unwell. The responsibility must be awful. What does he do if he wants to leave someone so vulnerable? Why isn't he out and about instead of spending days on end with someone who may be lovely but is not in the right place for a relationship?

Please listen to the advice here. I am the DM of a now adult daughter who is in remission from anorexia (not sure you are ever cured….).

It is a highly complex mental health condition that is not about being fussy around food or dieting. The girlfriend needs to be at home following her eating plan with her family. The meal plan is her prescription and the food is her medicine.

Substitute anorexia with type 1 diabetes and you can see how damaging it is for her to be with you for extended periods of time without her “insulin” or you not having any knowledge of how to manage her “glucose levels”.

I know it is harsh but you have to limit how much time your DS is spending with her - for his sake and to enable her to eat to her plan. What he can do is encourage her to get out in the world and do stuff - but she needs to be home to eat at least breakfast and dinner.

Out of interest, does your son stay there? Is there a reason why they can't spend time under the watch of her parents?

Or does she take opportunity to be away from them and away from any attempts to manage her illness?

Appreciate every response. Yes, he stays at hers and I have only been made aware past few weeks. I had noticed she picked at food. I'm obv not wanting to take her away from any meal plan and I will support whatever. I'm almost being led by her parents so assuming it's all agreed with her therapist and if her parents are ok she stays, I have to trust their judgement - they are sensible respectable people etc. I'd obv prefer my son not being in the mix of this, but he's very smitten and she's a lovely girl so I'm trying to support as best as I can and hope she gets through this or he ends up finding someone else in time. I have no idea how long she's been anorexic etc, but it does concern me if she's eating enough/using the opportunity to eat less at mine etc. Maybe her parents are thinking being exposed to new people may build her confidence. I just don't know but I intend to have an open conversation with them about it - as I don't want to offer she stays and it puts pressure on them to allow her etc.
I appreciate it's a complex situation hence why it makes me nervous my son is dealing with this.