Is this the right thing to do - not sure.

[Shufflingby]

Hi,

I hope someone can help. My daughter is 15, with anorexia. She’s autistic, self harms, and is often depressed and anxious. Symptoms being controlled by Olanzapine and Sertraline somewhat, so weight is not a huge issue any more (as in, it’s been restored to about 100 % wfh I think) but intrusive thoughts about food and eating really is.

Anyway, she was out of school for year 9, and has just started her year 10 mocks. These are her first ever exams, and even getting to school every day this year, struggling as she does, has been a huge challenge (and achievement) for her.

She was awfully, terribly upset at the weekend with the pressure of thoughts about food and upcoming exams and I could just see that she wouldn’t make it into school for her mocks in that state. So I said that for this week, I wouldn’t make any demands on her about food, in the hope that pressure would be alleviated. I think it’s worked so far (two exams down), and although she hasn’t eaten as much as she needs to (no breakfast either day for example which I know isn’t great for exam days), she hasn’t restricted as much as I thought she would.

Was it wrong of me to do this? She has a paediatric appointment next week and I don’t want her to mention this to them as I think they will disapprove. But it’s the only way I know she is able to manage her mocks, and they are so important to her.

Thank you for any advice.

I'm saying this both as a mother and as someone who suffered in the past with eating disorders.

I'm really not sure that anyone on here is qualified to say whether that was "the right" or "wrong" thing to do.

I think you are probably just doing whatever it takes to get you through each day and it must be horrific to watch your daughter who you love so much have such a difficult time.

Obviously you want to try to curb the anxiety so that she can get through the exams but on the other hand maintaining the food intake will be vital for her ongoing recovery to prevent spiraling downwards.

I'd try to be honest with the doctors next week and see if you can come up with a plan going forwards especially with exams or other stressful situations in the future.:

Best of luck to you and your daughter. I can imagine how hard the situation is.

I’m only at the start of the journey op and I’m yet to get dd refeeding. My thoughts are that it’s important to be totally honest with the situation. You have nothing to be ashamed about. It is also important for your dd to see you being honest. If she thinks you want to be able to get away with things so to speak, it may encourage her to be crafty herself and / or look to manipulate you into not making demands more frequently.

My dd is year 11. Today is the last exam for her. I didn’t set up help for dd until almost at the end of her GCSEs because these are so important to her and I was just trying to get her through them. She also wasn’t ready to listen at all and thus wouldn’t have engaged at all with anyone. She is still confused and very angry and believes nothing is wrong when she’s now very thin. I made the right decision even though it was hard and in the end I didn’t care whether she passed or failed. I just want her to be alive. Today is her last exam and we are going to see someone tomorrow privately. We saw CAHMS last week and they didn’t diagnose anything even though it’s now obvious she has anorexia as she admitted a couple of days later she wanted to continue losing weight. Sometimes we do what we have to do as mums.

Well done to both of you for getting this far. Your dd has been incredibly brave to restart school.

Thank you @Newuser75 and @Mummyoflittledragon . I did actually tell her FBT therapist today about our agreement, and she said it was okay as long as she was still eating evening meals… although she has refused two of those now. She can’t cope with the stress of mocks as well as the stress of thinking about food… I fear this eating disorder is going to derail her final year. I would take her out of school of school and home educate her if I could, but that isn’t what she wants, and not what I want for her.

@Mummyoflittledragon my daughter refuses to believe that there is anything wrong and she blames me and her dad for making her eat and therefore causing all of her anxiety. But we needed to get her seen as her weight was getting dangerously low. Paediatrics gave her a diagnosis of ‘restrictive eating disorder’, CAMHS called it anorexia, but it took a while for either of those to happen as they said that it’s sometimes detrimental for autistic young people as they can latch on to the diagnosis… it just left my daughter feeling unseen and disbelieved.

Hopefully once the mocks are out of the way your dd will be able to relax. Then there are the holidays. Idk how she will fare with them. My dd struggled with study leave a lot but relaxes when with friends. How is your dd? Does she have many friends to hang with or does she prefer to stay at home? Atm my dd will eat if she is out with friends (she stopped a month or so ago and sat and watched friends but has eaten out twice in the last week) and I’m figuring we may have to suck up a lot of restaurant bills to get dd to eat. What I’m trying to say is next September is a long way away and it is not useful for our mental health to make predictions about the future like that.

We are taking my dd to see a ED specialist privately tomorrow. There won’t be a diagnosis but a treatment plan and weekly meetings, which is what we need and was something, which CAHMS hasn’t provided. Dd and I have a catch up session with CAHMS in 2 weeks and we are awaiting a more in depth valuation with them.

I am the route of all evil with dd. She says the most awful things. It’s normal to blame your parent, usually your mum. A lot of my dd’s anxiety is caused by restricting food. I imagine it is the same with your dd. Hopefully they will eat more and the anxiety will reduce.