It's happening again.

[sentfrommyiphone]

12 years ago I was diagnosed with an ED.
Since then my relationship with food and my body has been up and down. There have been times I think I'm completely better & I'll never be sick again, but there are other times it comes creeping back.
Like right now, since my dad died 2 months ago I can count the amount of meals I've eaten on one hand. My diet consists of fruit, protein bars, cereal or a low fat cheese toastie.
I make DD her dinner each night and tell her I'll eat when she's in bed.
I personally don't see it but people have made comments on my size that I'm too thin. I had an operation a couple of weeks ago on my neck (another issue) & the nurses picked up on my BMI and asked if I needed help.
I look in the mirror and I don't see it.
I have no energy, I struggle through each day, I want to sleep all the time. I hate food with a passion. I'm so depressed at the moment but mainly to do with an ongoing issue with a lump I have in my neck & still grieving my father.

My sister told me that I am selfish for having issues with food. Like it's some sort of choice. She said DD deserves better than an anorexic mother with a pain killer habit.

I stopped eating shortly before dad neared the end of his life (a brain tumour but died of sepsis which I blame myself for)
Me and my sister watched him die in pain.

I know I need to get better but I don't want to. I don't want to be bigger, I can't have thighs that touch. In the past if I could feel my thighs touch I would feel sick and anxious and disgusting.

what ED were you diagnosed with?

Oh lovely, you've suffered some horrible traumatic events there, it's no wonder you are struggling. Try and cut yourself some slack. What helped you previously?

Your last paragraph sounds so familiar. I’ve got another appointment this week and I know I’m going to not listen and rush through as quickly as I can because I’m just not ready to get bigger although o know I need to. How do you get to the point of being ok with gaining?!

@kennycat I honestly don't know. Even when I'm at a 'healthy' size I still miss being tiny. I thrive off being told I look unwell, it's reinforcing the fact I've done so well to lose so much weight. I know how fucked up that sounds, but it's true.
When the 'you look so much better' comments kick in, my heart sinks. I can't explain why I prefer having my clavicle sticking out rather than my arse, or that I'm obsessed with having a thigh gap.
I can go without food for ages & avoid anything that involves food. I HATE being asked to 'meet up for lunch'. Or 'let's go for food'.
I spend loads of money on my daughters food, loads of fresh fruit, veg, snacks, & make her 3 meals a day. Whenever we go shopping it's literally to buy food to feed her, not me.

Well my appointment wasn’t as hideous as I’d expected. I mean I really hate the guy but he did talk sense. He said it’s an irrational fear and we could tackle it slowly. I kind of agreed but man it’s going to be difficult.

also he told me to stop driving as the dvla won’t pay out if bmi is too low. I ignored that piece of advice. Have you been told the same?

That sounds like complete cock, will DVLA also refuse a payout if the claimants BMI was too high?

Insurance company might not pay out if you are in an accident. DVLA aren't your insurer.

If you might faint behind the wheel, you should stop driving and notify DVLA. Was he perhaps telling you that?

@JellyWellyBoots Fat people don't faint from hunger behind the wheel, so that's really not comparable.