Hey,
have name changed for this because it’s a sensitive topic.
We have a nephew who has been diagnosed with ADRIF. Three years ago, he spent time in hospital (3months) on nasogastric tube. He is sporty and started year 8 last September in a school he really wanted to go to but didn’t get a place on year 7. According to parents he has settled well despite the ED.
He has been tested for neurodiversity, for anxiety disorders and for all sorts, but the only formal diagnosis has been ADRIF.
It is really hard to get info from his parents (my in-laws), I just have a feeling they want to brush it under the carpet instead of dealing with it. When we ask, they give short replies but would never bring it up of their own accord. Wider family is very much tough upper lip, nothing is ever really discussed or dealt with.
I am really worried for my nephew, as I have just found out from MIL that therapy he has been going to has not really helped and he hasn’t been able to go to school for a couple of weeks now. He has a consultant appointment tomorrow, today the nurse took his vitals after therapy and they were worrying, so parents have been given a warning that it is likely he will be admitted tomorrow by the consultant.
I am just so worried because I feel the parents are in denial and not really actively seeking treatment- he has been allowed to one session of rugby a week all throughout this year because it’s where he’s happy. At best of times, he has eaten three protein bars and a plain piece of bread a day, on worst days less than that. I have a friend who is a paediatrician in another country, and she told me that their protocol would dictate the child is not allowed to do any sport until he has his three meals a day plus snacks. That he has been allowed to continue doing sport by his parents is just beyond me. He also often does long walks with his dad, like if we go out as wider family and rest of us drive back, they choose to walk.
His mum had anorexia as a teenager, but I don’t think she is over it yet. When I cook for her, I often find her hiding food somewhere obvious, uneaten. Like once she left a bowl of stew I made , behind the kettle on the countertop, almost like on purpose to be found by someone. She regularly skips meals and then has extra puddings and sweet treats in the evening. She herself is extremely thin. My MIL, I think, is also ED, she is very tense during shared meals and has made lots of comments about my daughter’s weight and/or our diet, to a point where I’ve had to step in. I would not let her have my kids on her own for meals, let alone overnights, for this reason. She restricts and tightly controls all food intake in her house, especially for girls. Interestingly, she constantly comments on how my husband doesn’t get enough food and how I eat too much (my husband is mildly overweight with a dad belly and I am at the upper end of normal, we are both huge lovers of good food and time shared around meals).
there are many stories I could tell of both of these ladies using food as a way to control others, especially other women, but not the main point here.
I know EDs do run in families but at the same time I’ve understood that parents cannot cause EDs to their kids through their behaviour. However, I am just really worried for my little nephew whose vitals are going down and it just breaks my heart. What can I do? I worry that the wider family issues around food are making them blind to how severe the situation really is.
I don’t know what I am asking for, I guess just a bit of guidance on how we might be able to support our family? How should we approach this topic with them? We’ve got wider family who work in the ED world, and they’ve offered help but it’s been turned down. I don’t want to risk loosing the small connection we do have, but at the same time I feel our nephew is not getting the help he needs. Is it ok for my husband to ask for more info, as the uncle? Or would that add to their stress? I know in many ways it’s not our place, but with his vitals dropping he is actually at real risk and I just don’t know how to make family realise this. He got to this point before, when first diagnosed, and parents didn’t seek help despite all wider family saying he did not look well and was too thin. It was a regular GP visit that prompted the referral. Parents both work in education, live in a deprived area and are very much seen as the respectable family who have it all together…