Struggling.

[ClassicHummus]

I'm struggling again.
Around 10 years ago now I developed some reasonably serious disordered eating habits (restricting as much as possible, and throwing up after situations where I couldn't avoid eating).
At this time, I would have gone from overweight to healthy BMI (even at my thinnest I am solidly built).
Fast forward 10 years and in that time I've had periods of severe restriction but predominantly I have been fine and okay and eaten whatever. (I think on closer reflection my 'okay' is quite binge-y rather than actually 'okay' but this feels like a side issue right now).
Anyway - as a result of eating whatever I had gained a lot of weight over last 18 months or so, and so have gone about restricting again.
And now I am struggling to eat sensibly at all.
I am a teacher on summer holidays and I am currently walking at least 12 miles a day (I've done 15 today) and just not eating enough to survive - I am primarily surviving on black coffee and the buzz of seeing number on scales go down. I haven't eaten a thing today and I am currently laying in an empty bath with no energy to get out of it.
I just increasingly feel like this is going to be my life forever. I can't see a way of getting to a point where I can maintain a healthy weight and a happy/relaxed approach to eating. I don't really know what to do.

I'm really not coping.
I have GP appointment booked in for next week (which right now feels like forever away) and I'm trying to be proactive and do some of the things that have helped me with recovery previously.
But I've just had some soup and all I can think about is making myself sick and I'm getting such constant intrusive thoughts.

You’ve done the right thing by arranging to see the GP. Can you afford counselling? Do your parents know about your problems? When I had these problems it helped me to have support from my mum. I realise that this could be part of the issue, hence the counselling could be a good step forward.

10 years ago (when this first became a problem) I was 19 and still at home and so my mum spotted what was happening and helped to get me to GP etc. I don't live nearby anymore and I haven't spoken to her about any of this and I don't really want to.
I have a partner who is aware and supportive but obviously this is having a huge impact on him - my mood is all over the place and I know that he is worried about me and I feel that the more people that know the more of a burden I am.

In terms of counselling - it wouldn't be easy but it would be affordable. I had some counselling at university and that did help - but I've seen other people since then and just haven't really 'clicked' with anyone and I'm not sure of the best way to go about this.

You won’t be a burden. I imagine those who care will want to help you. I was terrified of getting fat and what helped me was to find a daily menu which could be maintained but tweaked based on need. For example, I would only ever have a teaspoon of skimmed milk but I knew I needed to put on weight. So I temporarily swapped it for full fat. That meant I was in control and I could easily switch back once I was my target weight. Knowing that my mum wanted me to be healthy helped me not to feel scared of making changes.
I know your situation is different, but thought I would mention these things in case they help.