Is this some kind of eating disorder

[Goldumbrella]

I have name changed for this. I have been on MN for years but tbh I am embarrassed about this and keep it to myself. I am also not sure where to place this thread?

I have had issues with eating and food since I was around the age of 7 or 8.
Around that time I believed my food had been poisoned. I can attribute this to watching an adult tv drama (was staying over at my grandparents and they’d let us watch tv late on a Saturday night), in which a man wanted to kill his wife so he injected a box of chocolates with poison and gifted them to her.

From that time I genuinely thought my food had ‘bits’ of poison in it and I would cut out the poisoned pieces and place them under my plate. My mum said when she lifted the plate at the end of the meal there would be a ring of food on the table. I also believed my salvia had poison in it and would (disgustingly) spit on to the carpet in the house and into the cuffs of my sleeves.
I never received any help for this (and my many other anxieties) when I was a child.

I am not sure at what age I overcame the poisoning fear? In many ways I never have as I have issues with food going off and sell by dates etc. I feel that I have never had a good relationship with food.
Fast forward to the age of 25 and I suddenly developed IBS. I still suffer with daily digestive issues which add to the issues and completely control my life (I am 50 now). I have tried literally EVERYTHING to rid myself of IBS.

Developing IBS damaged my relationship with food even more and over the years I removed many foods from my diet if I feel they exacerbate my gut issues. I have followed the low fodmap diet for far too long (around 6 years) and see all high fodmap foods as a trigger (regardless of whether they upset me or not). I appreciate this is not good for my gut biome/mental health etc.

I have never viewed food in the way my family and friends do. I take absolutely no pleasure from food and only eat because I have too and even then it will be foods within this restricted diet and I always eat from a small side plate.
I do not like the way food feels once I have swallowed it, not only because the very action of triggering my digestive process causes me pain and discomfort but psychologically I just hate the thought of food inside me (can’t fully explain that one but it’s a genuine fear for me nonetheless). I have always been slim and have a BMI of 20 and in all honesty I enjoy being slim and would absolutely hate to put on weight.

Throughout all of the years of visiting GPs, gastroenterologists and dieticians etc and having various CBT and counselling sessions, no form of eating disorder has never been mentioned/suggested and therefore no plan of action on how to tackle it.

Last year my gastroenterologist referred me to a London hospital which has a neuro-gastro department. This year, I have had a few telephone sessions with their dietician and psychiatrist. The psychiatrist knows my full background and eating issues but has not suggested any eating disorder, he has just put me on antidepressants which have made me feel worse (I have tried various medications throughout the years) and I have a follow up with him in Feb ‘24.
I feel the dietician is the only one who has listened to me. He says he understands my struggles with food and believes that I may possibility have ARFID but can not offer me any dietary advise due to this hence the reason he referred me over to the psychiatrist.

I appreciate eating disorders are complex psychological disorders and have many triggers and causes and I may not even have anything like an eating disorder but I have tried so hard to have a better relationship with food but I just can not cross the fear barrier, I feel like I am getting nowhere but not even sure what the actual plans of action are for this kind of ‘thing’.
I look at our full fridge and cupboards and long to be able to eat like the rest of my family. I long to go out for a meal and chose anything off the menu and enjoy eat mouthful. I feel absolute envy when people I know are posting photos of themselves on holiday devouring various foods and drinks.

Food should be one of life’s top pleasures and I want to live the rest of my life enjoying that pleasure.

How do I do that?

Could possibly be ARFID. Often (but not always) co-morbid with ND conditions. You might want to consider ASC/ADHD screening.
ARFID isn’t included in the NICE recommended ED treatments at the moment, so treatment pathways will vary according to where you live. If you have concerns speak to your GP & request a referral for specialist assessment. This may be ED services, or it may be general psych. Or they may recommend accessing private therapeutic support.

https://www.additudemag.com/arfid-in-adults-symptoms-test/amp/

https://www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/get-information-and-support/about-eating-disorders/types/arfid/

Straight away I thought of ARFID.

My dd is diagnosed with ARFID, though presents differently to you.

Personally I can very much relate to the description you give about your relationship with food.

Thanks FunnyCradock I have often wondered if I may be ND but at my age I am concerned that I will not be taken seriously by my GP, I have had years of being told all my issues are simply down to anxiety and feel that’s how they label me now. Literally everything I see them about gets referred back to anxiety.
Lioney Has your dd had therapy for her ARFID? Can I ask how you deal with your food relationship issues?

My dd has therapy through her school and she sees an amazing Occupational Therapist.

I always felt really embarrassed of how I ate. My diet is very limited. I have removed more and more foods like dairy and processed food.

My dd taught me that I over think. Ultimately I'm never going to love food, never turn into a 'foodie' but it doesn't matter.
As long as my diet and weight is reasonably healthy that's all that really matters.

Lioney that’s all we can hope for I suppose. It does sadden me that I will never enjoy my food. My friend says as soon as she has eaten breakfast she is on to thinking what she will have for lunch, I’d love to have that much passion for food but I just don’t and it’s something I just have to accept.

I don't know if this is considered an official ED but it sounds like the term 'orthorexia' fits you.

Please know you have nothing to be embarrassed about. I have so much sympathy for you. After decades of IBS and associating food with pain - both consciously but also subconsciously- it's no wonder you have negative feelings around it. Not your fault at all.

Thank you MisschiefMaker that means a lot because at 50 years old people think I should have ‘pulled myself together’ over all of this and just eat like ‘normal’ people do, I am certain even the health professionals I’ve seen believe this too. They truly have no understanding of the fear I have around certain foods. It may seem such a ridiculous thing to them but is a huge issue for me and has been for so long.