I don't want to pass on my ED to my children.

[RaidFlySpray]

Just typed out a long and detailed message, and lost it. I'm going to try and be more concise with this one!

My ED surfaced after having my 2nd DC, over a decade ago. I went from obese to skinny in a very short time, and this made things complicated- A few people expressed concern, but most would compliment me.

Since then, I've yo yoed- I don't seem to know normal, it's either too much or too little food. I love food but I feel so much better when I eat little. This is inherited- Disordered eating goes back generations in my family.

I had DC3 8 months ago and I'm becoming more aware that I don't want to pass this on. I want to break the cycle. I put weight on when pg and kept eating so that I could bf (still bfing) but now I feel massive and grotesque. I know that it's my disordered mind speaking (I'm a healthy BMI though I could lose a stone). Last night I was crying with self-loathing, and I know how messed up that is- This body had given me amazing DC and works brilliantly for me every day- And last night, I thought that I never want my DC to feel this way about their bodies.

I wonder if anyone knows any books/podcast that might help with this? TIA.

Not helpful at all but with a sibling, niece and two DC with ED I will advising my DC not to have children

No advice, just thoughts. My DD is 25 and I think will always have her ED. She's no longer in crisis but the behaviors are still there. I often ponder if it came from me. I think my behaviors around food were OK, and we didn't even have scales in the house when she was growing up. So ostensibly the ED is her own home grown monster. But the thought still nags me.
I guess I'm saying EDs can occur in any circs.
I think DD's sprang from being a classic perfectionist high achiever, then getting a medical diagnosis which definitely puts her in the 'different' category. But still I wonder if I contributed...

One wise person once told me she thought most people have a degree of disordered eating. Strange 'rules' or food 'tics'. And that we're all on a spectrum with food and our relationship with it. I've observed people since and think she may be into something.

So yes - thoughts, not advice!

But kind thoughts too. It's tough x

Thank you for this. I know that EDs can come from somewhere or nowhere, and it sounds like you gave your DD a really healthy model for behaviours around food. My mother really tried, but food has always been an obsession. And maybe there's a personality type too... I do like to be in control and (hate to say it) have become quite vain in some ways. Not saying that your daughter is at all, but I think it can come from many places.
It's really not your fault what happened to your DD. I hope you know that!

Forgive me, but this has made me very sad indeed. I'm really not sure how to respond other than to say it's really quite unhelpful, given all I've said in my OP.

I know it is not helpful to you. However maybe for someone else reading this. My sister said this to me when I already was struggling with 2 children with ED. I do wish someone had pointed the genetics etc out to me before. I wish my sister had told me before her DC had an ED.
I see the misery my sister (now in her 60s) has gone though and absolute dread to think how my DC will cope when DH and I re not around anymore.

OP, have you considered/ would you consider seeing a therapist? Someone who specialises in ED

Nothing you say can let you backpedal out of the colossally awful thing you’ve said to the OP here. I was gobsmacked that anyone had the heart to post that on this particular thread, to this particular poster. Jesus Christ.

Not backpadling. I just don't believe that reading some book, seeing a counselor will prevent ed happening. Genetic counseling happens in other disorders whether someone wants it/agrees to it or not is a different matter.
But dream on.
I won't post anymore on any thread about ed

Don’t talk about diets, healthy eating ,looks or weight in front of your children. You are right to seek advice as you really don’t want your child to develop an Ed. It is more common in family’s with Ed’s or parents who are always on diets but my dd developed it thorough bullying although I do wonder if it’s something that would have always happened as she is definitely a perfectionist’s and is very sporty. It now controls every aspect of our lives. You do not want this for your children. I can’t help re podcasts or books as I only have Eva mendes book but that is specifically for parents with children with Ed’s. I’m sure there are books out there for disordered eating. I’m sure your kids will be fine but you are sensible to get your feelings about food under control.

@RaidFlySpray I think EDs have very little to do with vanity fwiw.
DDs was (is) all about control. And then the behaviours become baked in. That's why CBT has been found to be effective.

The issue is not any of this. The issue is that you’ve posted on a thread to a mother with three LIVING children, who is struggling and Seeking support - about how people with ED should not have children.

If your public service compass is ticking so high start a thread saying “People with ED should not procreate”. But to come On a thread made by a mum with three live kids who is struggling to post what you did is bang out of order.

I think about this a loss. I only have one DC but was utterly relieved that he was a boy (I know boys/men getting eating disorders too but it's less likely than if he was a girl). Even so, I try incredibly hard to break the cycle. I know that it's partly genetics but my hope is that by building up DS' resilience, giving him the tools to help him cope without needing to rely on food as a control mechanism and by modelling a relaxed and healthy attitude towards food (which I don't have but which I fake to a large extent), I can give him the best chance. I'm still in weekly therapy for my ED and it's something that I've talked about a fair bit with my psychiatrist.

Develop a nonchalant attitude to food around your children. best advice I read was to treat food like housing and clothes, just take all the heat out of eating- it's just something we have to do. Show no emotion when they eat or don't eat. Don't discuss body weight/ size etc in front of them and ask others not to.

Thanks all for your suggestions, they're very helpful. I think that I have a good chance because to not show any disordered behaviour/thought processes is on my mind all the time. I am more aware of it than I've ever been, and combing my own memories for things that were said and done that triggered me.

I agree with whoever said that reading a book isn't going to fix this, but I think it's good to be informed and to remind myself constantly that there are others out there who have lived with this.

Thank you for saying this, I'm glad someone else was put out by these comments. I may have to develop a thicker skin, but having someone suggesting that people like me are so defective they shouldn't procreate is so very hurtful, probably the most horrible thing anyone has said to me. I know it's just words on a screen etc, but bloody hell.

I focus on energy they need and the nutrients food provides. Try to encourage them to eat a wide range of foods to get the best health benefit. I never label a food as bad or good.
Both my kids eat well but my daughter has had some struggles.
We also describe bodies in terms of what they can do. So strong and fit. Never fat etc. Focus on the positive.
I am a comfort eating mess though. 🤦‍♀️

I've just googled and there is a strong genetic component which is interesting. I've had an ED since age 9.

www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3010958/

I work in EDs and the line about genetics is that "genetics load the gun, environment pulls the trigger". So you may be genetically predisposed but this does not mean you're doomed. I'm the only one of 4 kids who had an ED. Equally, those who do not have the genetics link could develop an ED depending on their experiences.

OP there is plenty of help out there for you. If you want to drop me a message I can advise further. Or call Beat's helpline as it may be worth seeing what support options they have. It is also worth seeing your GP. You deserve support with how you feel and you can get through this x