Support thread 9 (!) for parents of young people with an eating disorder

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Thought I better start a new thread, can't believe we're on to thread 9 😳

Hope all the regulars find it!

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat thanks so much for this, it did help.

I'm waiting for a callback from the therapist soon, so will hopefully know a bit more about what is going on then.

@Bluebuddha10 really feel for you. 10 years. It’s so hard when they are adults and just refuse to help themselves. I really hope the ED team can provide a path forward. It’s relentless; we do have to be able to take ourselves outside the ED vortex and have a bit of time out to nurture ourselves. Sending hugs and solidarity.

Have not posted in years but found this thread and read
I just need to come on here today and have a virtual scream. Am having a v bad week w my 16 year old and I know you will all know that sort of week. May return to post more this evening but right now time to brace myself to do lunchtime.

ReineDeSaba

I get you. I hope things improve x

I'm trying to avoid my dd as most of our interactions turn shit. She says she's ugly. I say she's not ugly. She says I don't understand and I'm no help to her and stomps off slamming doors etc. Then dh comes along and wants a blow by blow account of what's happening, then moans about the plaster coming off around her door when I just want to forget it happened, let alone go over it again and look at the bloody plaster.

I'm running low on empathy for dd and I'm finding dh immensely irritating. I just want to pack a bag and leave them both to it.

Ha, Bagpuss, I actually suggested to the family therapist that I do just that, pack a bag and leave for a week - give everyone a break. She absolutely said I could not!!!

Bagpuss ive learnt to ignore dd when she makes comments like that, if she says 'I'm so ugly' and I say 'you're not' it just winds her up even more. I either say something like 'you're feeling ugly today?' Or 'are you feeling more rubbish today than usual?'

That way I suppose she knows I've acknowledged how she's feeling without agreeing with her.

I tell her she's beautiful at other random times.

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat , @Shanghai101 - not sure about your family situation, but if your DDs' other parents are in the picture, I don't see why you couldn't take a week's break. You ave to put your own oxygen mask on first!

@Shanghai101 Mine said the exact opposite - that I should have a break, I needed it, I deserved it. I often go for a weekend away and I think it does us ALL good. She likes.rhe break from me too. I try for a night away once a month. You should definitely go. Just make sure you come back - that's the hard bit.

@bagpuss I'm sorry to hear it's so tough at the moment. Our stories seem horribly similar.

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat thank you for hearing me...right now the only voice in our house seems to be DD (or rather her ED) We are all marching to the beat of it's drum. Emotionally my DH and I are on our last nerves and practically there don't seem enough hours in the day for 6 meals each w it's individual accompanying meltdown
My 13 year old DD is fucking furious about it all and I certainly have felt it too. No space for anyone else's feelings...we are just carrying older DD's

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat I definitely don't have the bandwidth to cope with my DH on top of an the ED as I am stretched to my limit. My skin is super thin right now

@Shanghai101 it feels like caring for a newborn w no breaks whatsoever. I really wish I had some extended family who could take some of the weight though at least w newborns you know they will move past it.
I do wonder about how much the lovely therapists at our unit understand the emotional toll on those supporting ED sufferers since they are all seemingly early 30s...feels unlikely they have felt the grind of years of a mentally unwell teen or elderly parent . It's hard for me to be the 'perfect ' support when I'm emotionally on my knees w no sign of a reprieve yet
If you can get away I feel you should definitely do it. I find it hard to come back even after an afternoon away....walking back into this v narrow existence of the ED

Thanks everyone. I feel for those who have been coping for much much longer than us.
I just want my daughter back. I see glimpses of her. We do have better days and it breaks my heart that she's still in there but is taken over by this evil illness and the next day probably won't be so good. I miss our old life and wish I hadn't taken it for granted.
Love to everyone x

Agree, if you can get a break, take it.

I recently had to be away for a week as I had to be somewhere with my other daughter to support her. The day I travelled back I bawled my eyes out as I really didn't want to return. I cried like a baby for hours. I just didn't wanna go home. Thinks have been tough for years als DD1 has such complex needs and we have no family support and I carry most of the load but I never felt like that. DD2's AN is really taking a different toll on me but the week away from it did me a world of good!

@BagpussSaggyOldClothCat the grief is real...I an mourning the loss of the daughter I thought I had and the loss of the lives I thought we'd be experiencing right now...at 16 I was imagining her blossoming and spreading her wings w usual teenage stuff bur pockets of joy.Instead the positives feel v fleeting all our lives are much sadder, anxious and restricted. I don't even have the energy to be resentful anymore as I am just too tired

@Curlyhairedassasin sounds like you have such a heavy load

Oh yes, totally agree about the caring therapists in their early 30s with no idea. When my dad was dying and I'd spent yet another meal time sitting outside my daughter's barricaded bedroom door failing to persuade her to eat breakfast, I became inconsolable. DH insisted I take a couple of days break (I do make him go away too - he's off to Corfu on a walking holiday in September). I checked into a local hotel where I spent two days sobbing and calling the Samaritans. When I was all cried out I went and picked up DH and DD from her CAMHS ED appointment. DH explained I'd taken a couple of days away as everything was getting too much and he was worried I might tip over into depression (I have a history...). The psychologist was really disapproving and said, "Well, that will have made [DD] feel guilty."....

@NanFlanders that must have been excruciating.The thought of anything on top of the AN right now feels undoable let alone losing your dad. So sorry to hear this.
The therapist did a nice job of dumping any shame and guilt on you...I have finally and firmly taken on board oxygen mask for me first after thinking others should be the priority every time for years
You absolutely needed those couple of days just to be able to keep going, how dismissive

I think it's also important to spend time with siblings. I am still bit resentful of my sister who has lots of MH issues to "monopolise" my mother.
I still feel bad thinking about an evening when my son was showing me some things he had just bought. But I wasn't able to look at them properly because DD had just had a fall due to low blood pressure.

I had people involved in DD's treatment describe her AN as a cry for attention. I don't think it was meant as a direct finger pointing at me but some subtle criticism that I spend too much time with DD1 (complex SN). As if I picked that life. No support, no respite despite trying for years. It really stung! I stopped now worrying too much about what the professionals involved think. It is often very obvious that none of them have any real idea what life like at the front lines. We just do our best and if that sometimes isn't good enough, so be it.

@Threeyearsalready that's what my deepest rage comes from. I'm so upset that my youngest daughter is getting the scraps leftovers of my parenting at 13
@Curlyhairedassasin by that ridiculous rationale my youngest would also be AN now. Oh if only it was all that simple to trace and breakdown the whys none of us would be needing this thread right now.

Also @Curlyhairedassasin I really don't get the sense that fathering is put under the microscope around EDs the way mothering is but maybe I am just being bitter

It really does help to know that others have similar experiences and opinions. All of the therapists that DD has seen are young and I think she feels judged and patronised by them. I’m sure they don’t mean it but that is what happens. They also have no understanding of what it is to be a parent - how could they - much less the parent of an anorexic child. Not to mention ageing patents and, in some cases, SN siblings.

Regarding that week away. I can understand why the family therapist advised against it right now. Our DD is in the very fragile Action stage in the Cycle of Change. Brought about by declining physical health. As soon as things stabilise I will go somewhere on my own for a bit. For now, I am the main support person to be shouted at and blamed for everything. TBH I’m developing a very thick skin. They say you can only ever be as happy as your unhappiest child.

Bagpuss, i wonder if you have any advice? I think that you mentioned that your DD took control of her meal plan. This is what my DD insists on and it has been up and down. She is definitely increasing but has times when she just can’t do it. I think this is fairly normal. Her motivation to get better wanes when her physical and mental symptoms get worse, which seems to be happening as she gets close to the full meal plan that the dietician recommended. She knows she has to force her way through it but it is so hard. She also insists on eating alone so I have to trust that most of her meal plan is eaten. My anxiety is sky high as I have no verification (although bloods have stabilised). Dr tells me to trust the weekly obs BUT to take her to A&E if her condition deteriorates. So much pressure and no control or reassurance.

Hi Shanghai101

I didn't let dd take total control but to get her off her safe meals and eating my cooking we devised a meal plan with me based on what she would eat. I cooked and she wasn't allowed in the kitchen. I had to switch to online shopping as she was a nightmare in the supermarket. Once I was cooking the plan I slowly added fats and increased portions. She improved from there and slowly gained weight.

She eats alone a lot of the time and says she hates being looked at while eating and hates hearing others eating. She manages when out with friends though 🤔

Those are just my experiences and you obviously have to be very careful with any advice given here that differs from what the therapist is advising.

Thanks Bagpuss. I think it’s because she’s 19 that we have been given this advice and also because she has dug her heels in. I’m hoping it is because she wants to take responsibility and be treated like an adult - only time will tell. Appreciate your response. Have a good weekend

Dd started ÇBT which I think is a more common treatment for adults. It's the complete opposite., DC decides what to eat. Every evening she will write down what she is going eat next day. At weekly camhs sessions this is discussed further. Parents are not supposed to tell them what to eat or how much. But we usually discuss together what to cook and buy.