Trying to balance supporting DD with work commitments

[OakPost46086]

DD16 has recently been diagnosed with an eating disorder. We've been referred to the NHS eating disorders clinic which is super as they are monitoring her and see her once a week. The trouble is that they are at the other end of the county which is a 50 minute drive away. I'm the only one who can take her there as DW is not comfortable with the drive, which is dual carriage ways and motorways. We don't have any others who could help with the appointments and there's no realistic public transport option.

They have occasionally asked us to make other trips there at very little notice. They offered to provide me a with a letter for my company, but when I saw it, I couldn't give them it as it essentially said that I wouldn't be able to perform my work duties! I'm the only breadwinner and this has placed a lot of pressure on me to support DD while also holding down a full time job. Mostly the meetings are for medical obs, so I've asked if these could be done in her home town and the results sent through, but the clinic isn't keen.

On the other side, despite banging on about the importance of mental health and family, my company have not been particularly helpful about taking time out to attend these meetings, saying only that I have to take annual leave to make these, and only when they approve it. Next week for example, the clinic have asked us to come at lunchtime on Thursday which essentially means I have to take the whole day off but my company are unhappy, because I'm on call for a system that day and no-one else can take my place.

I know some will say that DD comes first and I should focus on her, but we have other children and a big mortgage, so it's not possible simply to walk away from work - believe me, I'd love to!

I don't believe that the company are obliged to offer paid or even unpaid time off (other than compassionate unpaid leave which has to be booked in blocks of weeks and therefore is not appropriate)

I'm trying to find if other companies offer paid leave or flexibility for this kind of situation but I'm afraid I don't know where to turn. Does anyone have any similar experience they could share. Feel broken under the strain of trying to manage these two obligations - aside from all of the normal parenting duties ! Thanks.

Dw needs to take public transport with her, and start learning to drive.

I do think perhaps your wife should do the journey, maybe get her to drive with you in the car at first so she is more comfortable with the route. There is even the option of driving lessons on motorways for people who have already got a license.

I used to be nervous of anything more that a single lane road but needs must, I had to get my children to where they needed to go, my husband was working, there was no choice. I gradually got more comfortable with larger roads and motorways, now I drive anywhere, it is very liberating. Best wishes to you and your family

your wife needs to take some of the strain, be it by driving, or mixing public transport with taxis

Your DW needs to step up and conquer her fear of motorways.

DW needs to get comfortable with the drive, or take public transport.

Could DW take some advanced driving lessons to boost her confidence?

There has to be a non dual carriageway to drive there, even if it's longer, everywhere is ultimately connected surely? Or a taxi drive?

But ethically that is fucking awful of your company. If you didn't have a wife what would you do? Eating disorders are so serious.

Have you talked with HR?

Can DW take DD in a taxi, or pay a friend who wants to earn some cash? I know it will be expensive but not compared to you losing your job!

Agree that DW needs to drive. I know a few people who hate motorway driving and I used to be one but this is an absolutely exceptional scenario where she needs to put her daughter and family first and conquer it. Unless there is something really preventing her from doing so, some advanced driving lessons asap might be a start.

Could your DW do the drive a couple of times with you as a passenger so she becomes familiar with it? Driving somewhere is much easier when you know the route well.

My DD (17) drives on motorways and she’s only had her license since last year. She does it because __it’s necessary to get to certain places- I’ve driven in NYC, which is hellish, but you just have to sometimes.🤷

You know the answer to this already. Your DW needs to find a way to be comfortable with the drive so she can do her fair share, or plan a route using public transport.

I also think DW needs to get used to this route or find a public transport route. Anything else is completely unreasonable.

I really understand the fear of motorway driving . It’s very hard to overcome.
Can your wife drive if she goes cross country avoiding the fast roads ?
It might take longer but would hopefully make your daughter’s appointments more achievable.

Yes, @Taxitaxiforever, in this situation, the DW needs to find sone means of getting their DD to her appointments- with an ED, it’s literally a life and death situation.

TheDad potentially losing his job will just make things worse and create more stress for their DD.

Your wife has a driving license.
You need to work.
I don't understand the problem.
She has to drive to the appointments.

I'm afraid I second your wife stealing herself to do the drive. I had to do the same when my DS had to have specialist treatment weekly in a big city hospital clinic over months, DH is self employed and works on contracts with strict b deadlines so could only do it occasionally. It actually made me into a more confident driver in the end and I'm now capable of driving into familiar cities and motorways ( still a bit nervous of unfamiliar places!).

When my DSis had this problem, she found a driving instructor who took her on the roads she was nervous about ( faster ones, like your DW) She came to realise that dual carriageways are often easier and calmer than single ones.

she gained a lot of confidence with the driving instructor and is now fine to drive pretty much anywhere on her own.

Eating disorders can be deadly... surely your wife would rather just be brave and drive on a motorway for a bit? My DD's specialists are in the city, which I always said I would never drive in the city because it's crazy in there, but I had no option, so I just do it. You also need to consider that ED recovery can be LONG, so that's a lot of appointments, which if it continues to all fall on you, it's just not going to work.

Personally I started WFH when DD was diagnosed with an ED (amongst other things). But I know I am very lucky to have that as an option.

I would ask again too about having obs done locally. I'm not in the UK so it may be different, but we were able to go to our local pathology for weekly ECG's etc and have the results reviewed by our GP.

Your daughter needs serious medical treatment, you need to keep your job, your wife needs to suck it up and learn to drive on motorways.

I’m not without sympathy, I used to have panic attacks at the thought of merging into a busy a road, but you can’t avoid these things forever, not when there’s this much important stuff going on

Yes agree.

Thanks for all the feedback. I was actually interested in experience of companies providing flexible arrangements but the overwhelming response seems to be that DW needs to do the journey. First to cover some of the other points:

@SeulementUneFois we looked into Public Transport. It's a massive detour and the journey there would be 2.5hrs rather than 50m by car.

@Nimbostratus100 @DucksNewburyport I got two quotes for the taxi journey and they were both over £150 for the return journey! I'm sure I could get the price down but for a regular weekly journey that could well go on months it's just unaffordable for me.

@tackling absolutely agree. I did speak to HR and they just quoted me policy. I think much of the speil about MH and family that comes from companies is just hot air, but if others have had good experiences, I'd love to share them with my company so they can learn. I've thought about switching to another job but until we get some stability with this situation, it's difficult to sell myself as a reliable employee!

@wandawaves I will keep on at them to get the obs done locally. I also WFH so it's not so much of an issue if we do it locally, but for the moment, they aren't keen. Still, even so, there will be times when we can't do the journey because of, say, another commitment that I can't get out of.

Overall then, I'll try to see if I can encourage DW to make the journey. Maybe she can drive a few times with me as passenger to gain confidence. I only know of two routes. One involves two very busy motorways and the other is a mixture of A roads, dual carriageways and a small bit of motorway.

@OakPost46086

I know it's not great that your company are not being flexible. Ideally there should be some give and take here, human to human.

BUT ultimately its up to you and your wife to manage this between you.

She HAS to step up for you both as your the one bringing in the money you cannot lose your job.

so its two and half hours by public transport, so its two and a half hours by public transport - your wife need to do it by public transport, doesn't she. You cant keep taking time off work, and there is a public transport route available and your wife is available.

She can mix it up, if one bus journey covers most of the distance, then car to the bus stop and taxi from the bus stop at the other end, or station, or whatever.

It is doable, so she needs to do it, one way or another.

Your wife needs to suck it up and get driving. Having a licence but being scared of duel carriage ways and motorways is absolutely ridiculous:

I have a fear of motorway driving so I do understand but I had to conquer it as I can't visit my family without getting on the motorway. I started by going out every day and just doing a short drive, eg one junction, then gradually building up. Hypnotherapy can also be helpful, I've heard.

If she really can't do that in the short term then they will just have to spend much more time on the journey - either a non motorway route or public transport.