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Eating disorders

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Original poster

I'm completely lost

14 replies

MuchLost · 04/04/2023 08:39

And the only thing I can control, that gives me any sense of comfort, is not eating. Like eating means failure. Losing weight makes me feel like I'm doing something right. I've recognised this isn't right and for years I've been able to keep this in check and stay at a healthy weight.

Going through a big life change now though, and suddenly something has changed, food wise. I've had maybe 800 calories in total the past 3 days.

The past few weeks I've eaten less, actually lied to DH about what I've had, and although I want to be healthy I also still want to lose weight.

I want to disappear. Everything would be better if I was 10kg lighter. I might finally feel like I belong somewhere. I tried to eat last night, I was so hungry, I just couldn't. I just cried. I'm late 30s for goodness sake, this is ridiculous isn't it? I'm so stupid.

OP posts:

FlappyFish · 04/04/2023 08:42

You’re not stupid. Not at all. I remember all those thoughts and feelings and it took a lot of therapy to get halfway to dealing with it. You know you have a problem and that’s the first step. The “I can’t” is so very real when in the grip.

Bunce1 · 04/04/2023 08:46

You said you wnat to eat and you have said that you know this is crazy. it really sounds like you’re stuck in that push/pull of wanting and needing change and you just can’t quite get there. That’s normal. That’s fine.

Start small, how do you start your day?

lljkk · 04/04/2023 08:49

Good that you started talking here.
When DD told me she was anorexic I asked her to tell her friends. I didn't care who or how or how accurate & truthful. I know that secrecy is how this disease takes you over, ferrets away inside your head. So my one & only request to her, and you, is that you tell people in your real life. Doesn't have to be your DH. Can be the gal at the supermarket who also looks like an annie, or the random teenager at the bus stop who struggles to acknowledge your existence. Just get it out there.

I hope you can keep talking about it.

Amabitnewhere · 04/04/2023 08:58

Well done for being honest here and with yourself. Get help. Please. Your mind is telling you a story that isn’t true. If you are not able to just stop listening to the story that not eating is doing something right and eating is a failure then you need help.

If your brain is not getting the nourishment it needs, and it probably isn’t, that in itself can cause depression and anxiety, which would complicate matters. My GP friend’s daughter just had exactly that happen, depression following malnourishment by anorexia, and actually the antidepressants have really helped her feel more upbeat and start eating more and gaining weight.

I’d immediately download the Noom app, it’s CBT and really helped a friend of mine who had bulimia. Meanwhile, find a therapist, or try EFT Tapping to clear the trauma of the life change that’s triggered the worsening and any other prior trauma that might be behind the original story in the first place. It’s faster than any therapy and in the NICE guidelines for no less than PTSD.

Good luck, OP. And an unmumsnetty huge hug. You matter. You are needed in this world and you are loved. And we want you well. We do.

Original poster

MuchLost · 05/04/2023 18:58

Thank you so much for your replies, honestly I'm really touched that you've taken the time to write and post, and I'm taking it all on board.

I'm struggling, I don't know where I'd go for help, or what help I need, I just need to get out of this mindset, it's almost as though it's not my mind anymore. There's just one goal, don't eat, be smaller, and this is the only thing I can do right. If I get this wrong and I eat, then I'm a complete failure, and I already feel a failure in every other aspect of my life.

As long as the number on the scale is going down then I'm okay. I'm 2kg down this week, after I've maintained for a good year or two. But I don't feel happy about it, because it's not enough. And objectively I know it is so stupid.

I want my body to be energetic and strong, but mentally I need to disappear.

I tried to tell DH that I'm struggling, but I couldn't explain exactly how or why. Sorry for ranting, I will download the App mentioned, thank you @Amabitnewhere

OP posts:

Amabitnewhere · 06/04/2023 08:22

How are you feeling, OP?
If you have lost 2kg in one week, this is an important time to take steps to stop this. We're with you.💐

lljkk · 06/04/2023 08:55

What is your BMI now, OP?
Unless you are quite dehydrated, I am calculating your BMI is quite large at moment, is only way to lose 2kg in one week, if that was true net loss.

turnthebiglightoff · 06/04/2023 08:57

@lljkk that's helpful 🙄

Acknowledgment is a really healthy step, OP. I agree with a PP, it's time to start talking to others about it. I think secrecy is dangerous with an ED.

Original poster

MuchLost · 06/04/2023 10:45

lljkk · 06/04/2023 08:55

What is your BMI now, OP?
Unless you are quite dehydrated, I am calculating your BMI is quite large at moment, is only way to lose 2kg in one week, if that was true net loss.

21.5

Can't seem to eat more than 500kcals a day at the moment and exercising 2 hours in the morning and 1 hour in evening.

OP posts:

Original poster

MuchLost · 06/04/2023 10:46

turnthebiglightoff · 06/04/2023 08:57

@lljkk that's helpful 🙄

Acknowledgment is a really healthy step, OP. I agree with a PP, it's time to start talking to others about it. I think secrecy is dangerous with an ED.

I just wouldn't know what to say, I feel like it's just attention seeking to say anything. Thank you for replying x

OP posts:

Halfull · 06/04/2023 10:54

Hi OP. This sounds like a nightmare for you, and by acknowledging what’s going on you’ve done a really brave thing. This is not your fault, it’s an illness.

You’ve written this down now so if you can’t get the words out just show what you’ve written on this thread. You’re not stupid, we all need a hand from time to time. I think better help can do text consultations, if you can’t say it, do you think you can write it? Sending hugs.

Bunce1 · 06/04/2023 11:10

Write it down and hand it to the doctor?I had to see the doctor when I had a dreadful work bullinyibg situation and I couldn’t speak for the heaving sobs. I sobbed and spluttered for about 5 mins then the doc said-

ok, let’s try that again and juts take your time and handed me the tissues. He was patient and kind and understanding.

you can ask for help. You can advocate for yourself.

what about calling a helpline as a lattice run- juts saying the words out loud? Or do it I front of the mirror.

Original poster

MuchLost · 06/04/2023 11:38

Amabitnewhere · 06/04/2023 08:22

How are you feeling, OP?
If you have lost 2kg in one week, this is an important time to take steps to stop this. We're with you.💐

I feel really embarrassed and ashamed at the moment, still holding onto the fact I know behaving like this is not healthy and it's not going to help anything!

OP posts:

Amabitnewhere · 06/04/2023 17:08

MuchLost · 06/04/2023 11:38

I feel really embarrassed and ashamed at the moment, still holding onto the fact I know behaving like this is not healthy and it's not going to help anything!

Show quote history

Knowing it's not healthy may not stop it continuing. It's an illness. You need to speak to your GP. Please.

I don't want to scare you, but I'm a mental health practitioner and believe me, you do not want to let it progress.

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