I grew up with a family who historically fat shamed or assumed you were unhappy if a little weight was gained. For instance, last time I lost alot of weight on the verge of unhealthy, my family thought I was so happy and confident just because I was slim when actually I was probably eating an apple a day some days a week. So that's where this comes from.
I've always been trying to lose weight for what seems like my whole adult life. I gained alot when pregnant with fluid and just hardly being able to walk. I feel like I've been slipping into unhealthy habits. Before I never ever purged but since having DC, I have on occasion forced my food back up, particularly on the days that I eat too many sweets. I literally weight myself about 20 times a day.
Most days, I eat a well balanced diet and exercise but on the days I don't, I crave bad foods and I really can't stop myself, like today. I know tomorrow I'll only eat dinner as that's the only meal I have with my partner and have entered the mindset now of "I'll just force myself sick if I eat too much"
I know very well this isn't good and on these days I'm very disappointed in myself and think I won't do it again but I do..
Looking back, I never threw my food up but I did have extreme control over what I ate and it would make me feel good if I managed to not eat much during the day.
Now, I am classified as borderline obese for my measurements so you would never look at me and think I have this. My partner has some idea of my relationship with food and encourages healthy but to have a treat say on a Sunday evening and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it and understands I grew up with an unhealthy view on food. Like when I go home, I would be told I've eaten alot after having soup and a slice of bread for dinner or for having fries ASWELL as a burger and partner has witnessed this and gets angry because I reduce my food considerably when visiting home. On partners last birthday I was eating some cake when on the phone to home and I got "what about your diet?" Makes me feel awful for a couple of days.
I have confronted family about how they comment on meals and that they are actually normal sized meals. They have also reassured me that my very young baby will lose the baby fat and "not to worry" when this isn't a worry of mine at all. Not to mentioned another family member who is a fussy eater, gags at my DC when she hears the healthy foods she has been trying and won't stop even when asked.
I know I can't change them and their views but I really need to change mine before this gets worse and I project this onto my DC or ruin my health.
Any advice welcome. Therapy is a last resort for me hopefully anyone can understand this.