Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

@LittlePickleHead I am self employed and it was 4 months before I returned to working. I have two DC, I found that in the early stages then appointments and DD’s partial return to school (drop off and pick up not at the normal times) as well as food shopping and preparation took over my life.

I was glad to return to work for my sanity - if I ever have to watch Alison Hammond on daytime TV again I will scream.

I could have worked from home earlier but my head was in pieces at that time.

Hi all. I need advice (again!). DD (16) was doing quite well, but has had a setback in the last couple of weeks, and has lost 1.7 kg. She is now 83% WFH. Her care team have said she needs to give up gigs and her part-time job at MacDonalds (as standing on her feet). Maccies have offered her a shift sitting at the drive-in window. I think it's good for her MH to be doing stuff, but other complicating factor is that her consultant psychiatrist has increased her meal plan today by a bag of hula hoops and an increase of 25% in her meal plan and she's refusing the increase. Can't get hold of the care team to ask. WWYD?

Hi all sorry for the silence been very overwhelmed but thank you for all your help and advice, I went to the consultant to ask if she is safe at home with her low heart rate and it turns out he was not given or ever had been given any of her medical data and once he saw it she was sent straight to hospital where she has been since. She suffers from trauma in any hospital setting due to multiple horrific operations and stays in hospital so she is in a massive state beyond her normal anorexia and anxiety it is heart wrenching to witness.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I hope your Ds job went well and a huge done so to both of you for getting to a place where that is possible.

@NanFlanders i am sorry about the set back where is the 25% increase in the meal plan been put in place ? Maybe I can help find an easier way to present it ? Or do you have any other leverage ? Does she enjoy her job as could you say she can’t do any job if she doesn’t eat her meal plan and then if she eats her meal plan for x amount of time she can go back to her orginal role ? Maybe could you stop anything that she has recently been allowed to do as she has made progress as then she may see that when she was making progress she could do these things and how much she liked it and nothing horrific happened when she complied with the meal plan but instead she got to do something she enjoyed ?

I'm sorry lovewinter that your dd is in hospital, but glad you persisted with asking about it, that's awful that the data hadn't been reviewed. It sounds awful, with your dd so distressed, but she is definitely in the right place.

Love that's shocking that he's never seen the data! I'm glad she's now admitted because although it will be incredibly stressful, at least you know she is in a safe place. Let the recovery begin.
Nan could you use the job as leverage? Is she complies with the meal plan she can go to work? This was v effective for dd.

@lovewinter Sorry to hear that your DD is distressed in hospital, but I think it's honestly the best place with a heart rate that low. Hope they get her back on track soon. Hugs xxx

Love im relieved your dd is where she needs to be, I hope this is the kick start she needs to turn things around.

Nan I would be telling dd in no uncertain terms if she wants her life in its current format ie college and a job she needs to massively up her game and start eating a lot more. Otherwise you'll be back to square 1 with no job, no college etc. She can't have it both ways and she can't have a loss that great with no consequences otherwise what's to stop her continuing to lose? With my dd the deal was you want freedom and a life then you do not lose weight and in your dds case she needs consistent gains.

Anyway I'm enjoying a works trip away in a swish hotel 😁 even though it's been very busy as have been training all day and out for a posh meal tonight it's a welcome break from the usual grind. My mum has moved into mine to keep dd ticking over until I get home.

@lovewinter it’s really hard where you are now however hospital kick started my DD’s recovery. Like your DD she hated hospital - that was motivation for her not to go back and to start her meal plan probably.

Hospital trained us how to deal with mealtimes, skills we took home with us. It’s not natural to feed your teenager like a toddler, but that’s what we were taught.

There is no reason why your DD should not improve.

Hi group, I could do with your thoughts on this situation.

DD13 has opened up about the effect that seeing her AN cousin over summer had (she was restricting before unbeknownst to us, but it sounds like seeing her was really triggering). Niece has had AN for about 4 years and has been very unwell, recovering but still visibly underweight.

There seem to be two aspects to this. They used to be really close and the change to her personality/how distant she could be was really upsetting to DD.

Then she admitted she was jealous of her - when I was saying to her DN was unwell and not to compare herself she said 'it's not fair, DN gets to be skinny and gets to have everyone care about her so much'. She seems to be specifically referring to her grandma on this point - who isn't yet aware of what DD is going through.

Grandma (my MIL) is turning 80 next month and there is a big gathering, and DHs side of the family have booked a big house for everyone to stay in, including DN and all cousins.

It will break MIL heart and worry her (we've seen the affect of worry on her with other family members and are concerned) but we can't go can we? I'm just thinking the trigger of DD seeing DN is too much (and likely vice Versa)

This is upsetting for DH as possibly one of the last occasions all the extended family will be together with MIL.

Would be helpful to hear your thoughts and how you would approach this situation.

@LittlePickleHead gosh that is a hard situation, I agree I really don’t recommend having both your D and niece together.

in regards to your mother in law, how far away does she live from you ? Is it feasible to maybe sit down and explain to her about Ds situation and the fact she feels left out and maybe if you her and D could meet up together and do some things or even if your mother in law come round to yours to just be with D. I had something similar with my D and it may be worth explaing to your D the difference between worry and caring and love and how the situation doesn’t change the level of love just the emotion that accompanied it. I got my family and husbands family as we do to all stress and keep stressing how we love her but actually hate the ED and how it has changed D. Equally her grandma is under instructions to keep saying stuff like when you get well enough I can’t wait to do x and y with you. Or I really can’t wait to hear you laugh and be yourself again as I always valued your bubbling personality sort of thing. Do you think any of this would help ?

as for worrying your mother-in-law if I am honnest I don’t think you can avoid telling her but I found once I have clear instructions on how to help my D to my parents and husbands parents it seemed to really help reduce their worry as they feel constructive and more in control in a little way and not as helpless.

@NanFlanders sorry to hear about your DD's weight loss. It may be a case of too much too soon setting your DD back. Our ED nurse introduced a slow phased return to activities, as @Girliefriendlikespuppies says it was carrot and stick and DD hated it, but she realised that without following the rules then the activities she wanted would not be returned to her - the approach was staggered over months. She's now back doing all her things and some activities that were so important to DD when battling the ED nurse have now fallen by the wayside.

With your DD's college, working and gigs there is a lot of energy being expended and opportunity to hide her eating. So sorry, I find it hard when you have to go 'backwards' but we are clear to DD that activities require food consumption.

PS we found it easier to 'blame' the ED nurse, you can't do this because X says so - those are the rules. DD doesn't like the ED nurse anyway for obvious reasons.

@LittlePickleHead FIL does not know of DD's illness, he is pretty old fashioned and not very empathetic - a generational thing. He doesn't see our DD - he lives a few miles away. If there were a family gathering, I think DH and I would attend and leave the children with someone to look after them, if its overnight then we'd go for the day and return home late. Of course every family and relationship is different.

@Iovewinter MIL lives quite far away so there isn't really an option to see her for the day. She is very well versed in EDs because of DNiece and would be understanding. It's just more the stress on her - over the past couple of years her anxiety has got worse and I know she would be beside herself at not being able to do anything.

I am thinking DD and I will have to stay behind. It's not fair on DH and DS to miss out, but DD will be aware all her cousins and family are going so it really sucks. I'm gutted as I'd really like to see everyone but I know if we were there with DD the whole situation would be really stressful anyway.

Although if we don't go MIL will obviously need to be told why!

@LittlePickleHead that's a tough one. I was going to suggest you and your DD stay away and your solution seems the best of a bad lot. What a shame to miss out but you can't risk making her worse imo.
@NanFlanders I agree with the consensus. She can't carry on with the activities if she isn't fueling them which that weight loss would suggest she is not. Tough message for you to have to give to your DD....
@lovewinter hope today is better. I am glad your DD is in a safer place altho I feel for you managing her anxiety. When my DD ended up in hospital for a day it was hell. Keep us up to date with how she is doing

@LittlePickleHead That is rough - although it might be a relief for your daughter not to go, as she will be facing all sorts of conflicting emotions. I think you will have to explain to your mother-in-law though - we tried to protect my DH's parents, but it was really obvious that something was wrong.

Thanks everyone for the advice re. DD's part-time job. To be clear, we didn't suggest or authorise it. She went and got it herself (which would be admirable in normal circumstances....) It was to be her first shift at Maccies today. However, she rejected both the increases the consultant made to the meal plan yesterday - a 25% increase in portion size for dinner (threw it in the bin) and an extra bag of crisps with lunch (refused to eat it) as well as refusing evening snack - and was extremely verbally abusive to her dad and myself when we said we couldn't authorise the shift - which, it turned out, was for 6 hours! ED talking, I know, but it was pretty obvious she wasn't well enough to work. It's just - like all the rest of you - we want so much for her to have a normal life and to do the things healthy kids do that we were hoping there would be a way to make it work :-(

LittlePickleHead that's so difficult. I think you just have to protect your dd and do what your instinct tells you is right.

NanFlanders My dd had to stop dancing and I've had to say no to concerts, although we have something booked for early summer next year as an incentive but shes fully aware she might not be able to go. She's at college half days but doesn't do much else, cinema occasionally or she can go to a friends house for a couple of hours. Her camhs therapist backs me up well here and so far there's been no major backlash or non-compliance, although she complains a lot that her life is boring and that sometimes blows up into a meltdown..

Lovewinter sending you and your dd love and hugs.

My dd is eating her plan and weight is slowly going on. No loss now for about a month. Full periods at 85% wfh. She often says she's better and I can leave her alone now. She's obviously not better because of the bizarre things she comes out with and that she still argues over brands because there's a calorie difference and still asks if I've weighed her food. It's tough to reason with her that those things show she's still very ill, when she's happily sat and had a big dinner. It's hard to see how she'll ever be free from the routine and constraints she's put around herself as they seem so entrenched in everything she does right now.

Oh and we had quite a funny moment the other day which kind of broke the ice a little. Dd was refusing to have the Philadelphia I bought as it wasnt the lower fat herb one. Bizarrely I somehow ended up chasing her around the garden and the cat flew out from a bush and I tripped over. Dd looked back at me and we locked eyes and had a giggle at the madness of what we were doing. In that little moment I saw that my funny daft dd is still in there somewhere. She did have the Philadelphia so it was worth that little battle.

Love that story why - it is those moments when you get a glimpse of them that powers you through the tough times and for your DD hopefully she can hold on to that moment when the ED is giving her a tough time.

nan girlie and anyone else with a DC in work - it is such a balancing act - working opens up their worlds a bit more and every time their world grows it crushes the ED a little bit. And yet at the same time it is energy sapping and you have to sure of their motivation for working. Plus I worried a lot about triggers - DD worked in a bar/restaurants and I was concerned about that (turned out it helped DD see food as normal and to be enjoyed). Now she is working P/T in a clothes shop and I worry about that...

little - I agree that you and DD staying behind is the least worst option - in our experience DC with an ED can spot another one at a 1000 paces and it can lead to competitive ED'ing. One of DD's closest friends also has experience of an ED, but thankfully they are mature enough now to notice if they're triggering each other and they take some space apart without disrupting their friendship

lovewinter - echoing the other posters - am sorry to hear of your DD's distress but I'm relieved she is in hospital as it is the best place for her. My advice about hospital stays is to be very clear about the support you need outside of hospital and get assurance it is in place - we had experience of pin balling in and out of hospital admissions as DD was discharged but we didn't have the right CAMHS structure around us so almost inevitably she was readmitted.

@Unicorn34 welcome - there are a few of us with older teens/young adults - mine is fast approaching 20 (I am in denial that I'll soon be the mother of a 20yr old - I've probably miscounted somewhere!)

I think I need some help identifying what might be going on with my DS.. he's very slim, very fussy with food - always has been! He is diagnosed with autism and appreciate the restricted diet and need for plain foods.. I have however noticed he often gets up to use the toilet half way through eating. The other day it sparked my curiosity more than ever, I went into the bathroom afterwards and it was clear he'd been sick either in the sink/pan and I asked him calmly if he had been. He seemed sheepish and said he'd brushed his teeth - odd I thought half way through eating some cake (his favourite cake I should add)..! I'm a bit worried, he often comments of size, he can be obsessive and has been known to keep things in. I guess I'm here for some advice/pointers. I need to tread carefully as he's a sensitive soul. Any words of advice would be much appreciated. DS is 11.

rockingbird that does sound worrying. I'm in no way an expert, being quite new to the world of Eating Disorders, and even less knowledge of autism, but I do know that early intervention really is key. Can you get a GP appointment asap to get his physical health checked and talk about the help available. In some areas you can self refer to camhs. I'm sure the wonderful people on this thread with lots of experience will be along to advise soon xx

Welcome rockingbird that does sound extremely suspicious and I would implement a new rule that bathroom breaks during meals are not allowed. Remind him to go to the toilet prior to eating and no toilet for at least an hour after eating. Ask that the bathroom door stays open and ideally he talks or sings while going to the toilet.

Has he lost weight recently?

Has he got access to a computer/phone? You might want ti check what he'd been looking at as 11yo is young to start developing bulimia.

I would also take him to the GP and get a health check, ideally speak to the GP before hand and explain your concerns. The GP should check general observations and bloods. If your son is making himself sick he could be much more ill than you realise as it messes with biochemistry and electrolytes.

Thank you both for your input, the toilet rule is a good one! I shall implement that straight away and get onto the GP (could be tricky .. but I'll persevere).!

He hasn't lost weight as such as he's always been very slim, I'm just concerned he's possibly controlling his intake. He has a bacon sandwich almost every morning and I've have also noticed he's eating less and less of the bread 😟

Definitely have a look on any devices and check with school to see if they've been doing a 'healthy eating' project or similar that could be influencing the new behaviours.

It definitely sounds like the start of an ED though 😕

DD is so angry and sad about the eating plan. She's giving us the silent treatment, and only speaks to contest a meal or a snack choice. I've tried to be empathetic, kind, stern, understanding, patient. I've given her space and I've tried to get her to engage in distractions. I've tried to cajole. To change to subject. To reassure. To explain that I'll always be here. That she's not alone. She thinks she was happy a few weeks ago and that we have made her life hell. I don't know how to talk to her anymore. Please help 😭

@SwattyPie I don't have any help as in exactly the same situation, but can offer lots of empathy.

I have run out of suggestions to interrupt her and try and get her downstairs. Sorry to hear you're in the same position. I know she's taking her anger out on us, and I don't care about that, but I don't like leaving her to dwell on it all alone. I wish she'd talk to me.