Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

I think I've posted about this before, but I've signed up for the Beat's (free) course on Coping with Christmas when a loved one has an eating disorder. The pre-course e-learning was excellent. elearn.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/

I'm due to do that on Monday @NanFlanders , I'm glad you've found it useful

@Girliefriendlikespuppies I'm so sorry that your DD is being bullied and life isn't being kind at the moment. You're so supportive on this site and I'm sorry that you are not being rewarded with support from her college. It's so hard dealing with a child with low self-esteem as no amount of telling them the contrary carries any weight. It's unfair that if mothers are cruel to their children, every single word lacerates and scars for ever. But if mothers are supportive and buoy them up, then children just say 'well you would say that' and ignore us.

Ah Christmas last year was fun. Like @Whyisthishappeningtous we're also dealing with rapidly declining parents. I booked a place in the country that we could all stay in, that took dogs, that had a bedroom on the ground floor, booked an organic turkey etc. I then had the food order cancelled on us at the last minute, DD decided to start making herself sick for the first time after over indulging on Christmas day, the full extent of my parents' physical and mental decline became apparent, my bro and I had arguement as he was so crap at the washing up.

I was left utterly hollowed out. This year for the first time ever, it's just us at home and we'll go to parents with food on boxing day. I feel bad but I can't face bringing and cooking full Christmas lunch in their illogical kitchen. My parents are doing so badly for various reasons and I just don't want to segue into being their carer. I'm crap at caring! I do this awful thing of telling myself that DD has to come first, but really I could do more for them I just can't face it.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies i am so sorry it is so cruel. I really relate as my D is stuck in a cycle she has been in twice before she just about starts to live a recover and the low self esteem/ no friends/ perfectionist gets so bad she just spirals down. She says there is no point to recovering as she will never be happy.

she managed to gain 250 grams this week on 5000 calories a day it’s so disheartening if I am honest and still only just 73% wfh

also in trying to get so many calories in her and shopping it is sad how entrenched diet culture is, just looking for new recipes which are not ‘clean’ or low carb/ fat or ‘light’ or dairy free ( obviously not an issue if you are actually lactose intolerant!)let alone shopping when doing the online shopping and looking for yogurt it seems 80% is reduced or no fat. I get the bbc good food magazine and even in that they had their healthy winter diet plan and one website and one food magazine I was reading had the amount of exercise you need to do to burn off each part of the Christmas dinner!

@lovewinter a gain is a gain! It may be a sign that things are starting to turn for your DD. I really hope so.
I really wanted to post again to try to give you all some hope.
Xmas 2020 was utter shit. Dd was newly diagnosed I was in a tail spin and the enormity of her illness was completely overwhelming. She was 75% wfh, in the total grip of AN, frail, pale, uncommunicative, sad, her OCD was off the spectrum. Her brother said he had lost her.
I decided to ignore her food for the day. Offer it but have no battles. For the sake of my sons. It was OK. She didn't eat enough but she did eat.
Xmas 2021 was better she was WR but still not well. Uneaten chocolate coins, no puddings, still fairly obsessed with exercise. I wasn't sure merely being WR was enough. I wanted her to have therapy. She was v resistant.
I have high hopes for Xmas 2022. She is now independent, usually makes good choices and i won't have to persuade her that a day off exercising is not the end of the world. She never had therapy and the time at the right weight had been the key.
Your kids can recover. I know that with your support and love they have the best possible chance of recovering.
It is vv hard. So pity parties welcomed!
You are all doing an amazing thing nursing your kids through this hideous illness. I know what it costs. But I also know you can and will do it to the best of your ability.

@lovewinter you mention dairy intolerance - I'd like to share my experience with my DD's purported lactose intolerance. Cutting out dairy was the beginning of DD's restrictive eating and turned out to be a fear food group fir her - unwittingly we enabled it and accommodated this as we believed what DD was telling us and telling her doctors was true (stomach pains, diarrhea etc) - why would she lie. However as we began to understand the nature of anorexia we became suspicious. We bought a DNA dairy intolerance test off the internet, and whilst the results may not be 100% accurate - DD undertook the test (a mouth swab) and the laboratory reported no markers for dairy intolerance. We confronted DD and immediately introduced dairy to her diet and she has been eating all lactose products since. We outed the lie and the ED had no way to continue this restriction.

Being able to reintroduce dairy into DD's diet has provided marked improvements in weight gain and brain recovery - I understand the brain needs animal fats to repair.

@D1ANA22 sorry I wasn't very clear D is not lactose intolerant at all and eats normal diary products just that the market seems full with non dairy or low fat/no fat products that was what I was trying to say badly! but thank you for your insight and help

@Lottsbiffandsmudge thank you for sharing that, it gives me hope ! I am going to adopt that approach as for the sake of my other daughters who have already suffered so much in the face of this illness.

sorry to post again, but those of you with other children, how do you balance feeding them and monitoring them. One of my twins is most similar in personality to my eldest which is why along with the genetic link I monitor more closely than my my other two. However she is a gymnast and trains a lot, I am worried she will go into an energy deficit inadvertently simply due to the calories burnt ( this is how I believe my eldest developed hers) paired with spending the majority of the time in a leotard which can lead to comparison. I don't want to be paranoid as I think if I over do it it can do more harm than good and make a deal out of something that wasn't there, but small things like today before practice she said she wasn't hungry ( it is 5 am so understandable but she normally eats a banana and a cereal bar before but today just a banana) or when out shopping we always have hot chocolate from a specific place and she always has the same drink with all the toppings etc but last week just wanted the drink no cream or flake etc now I don't want to jump on her as this could be very innocent. If it was my other two I wouldn't be as concerned because I have learnt their appetites seem to come and go in waves some weeks they will eat 3 times what they do the next and trust they can regulate that, but my youngest like my eldest has always trained a lot (in different sports) and always eaten consistently.

Its how my DD got ill too... elite sport and subtle cal cutting. Plus adding extra activity in.
I'd be concerned tbh. If she starts eating less but keeps the same level of activity it will affect her. I think I would be insisting on the cereal bar before training. Or if she's fed up with them a snack of similar cals. The hot choc would be a flag for me too. I would always now nip such things in the bud. I would never leave it because I don't want to 'make a thing of it'...that's what got DD in such a mess.
My eldest DS is most similar to DD and just started uni. He's struggling to fit in cooking and so has lost weight. His mental health has taken a knock. He hasn't done it deliberately. But I am acutely aware what weight loss can lead to. So is he! I had a stern word and told him to go to the canteen every day and buy a hot meal for lunch. On Mon he had to pull himself out of bed to make a meal as he'd come home from uni starving and just got into bed. It's such a slippery slope. And easy to get onto.. once he'd forced himself to cook he felt so much better. Can't wait to have him.home for Xmas to feed him up!
So I'd say to 'jump' on it now tbh.

Love I think it's only natural you're going to be hyper vigilant about your other dds, i read somewhere that EDs are more prevalent in twins (sorry) so if I were you I would keep a watchful eye. As with any teen if they want to do a lot of sport they have to fuel up so I would keep offering lots of snacks and personally I'd just order the full cream hot chocolate.

Didn't one of your dds want to become vegan at one point? How did that play out in the end?

And yes a gain is a gain, getting 5000 calories in a day is absolutely amazing so well done you.

Thanks all for the kind words re dd, valley you are so right in how when we say nice things it's just immediately dismissed. Dds come back from college today and seems a tiny bit happier so I'll hold onto some hope that things might improve!!

The last two Christmases here have been pretty shit tbh but I have kept them as simple as possible, I haven't pushed dd to eat anymore than usual and aa much as possible kept the routine the same. I have continued to buy dd sweets and chocolates as i normally would for Christmas but accept that they will get eaten over a much longer period than usual.

The first Christmas after dd was diagnosed was particularly awful as dd was completely in the grips of the illness, she was hiding food in her knickers, holding juice in mouth for up to an hour and wouldn't let anyone touch her. Last Christmas was easier as those behaviours had abated, this Christmas should be easier still (fingers crossed!!)

@Lottsbiffandsmudge @Girliefriendlikespuppies thank you both for your advice I am going to nip it in the bud now better safe than sorry as my husband would say. I am not sure how much more exercise she can do as she already does 25 or more hours a week.

@Girliefriendlikespuppies yes my second eldest wanted to and after a weekend of silence treatment and cooking for herself and paying for her food while stating we are inhibiting her freedom to do good 🤦‍♀️ when I made a lasagna and she sat there watching us all eat it she soon decided it wasn’t for her ! Anticipation this I thankfully made more and gave her a portion ! I think it was more of a cry of attention to provoke us if that makes sense ! I told her we can do other things to help the environment but after a few weeks the environment and planet has not been mentioned !

i remember the pure panic in my D eyes when she found a chocolate orange in her stocking it was awful but as my other 3 had one and have all always had one it seemed wrong not to give it

@Lottsbiffandsmudge @Girliefriendlikespuppies - Reading your encouraging and positive responses to everyone’s posts is about the only thing giving me hope that we can get through this at the moment so thank you.

Hi everyone. I’ve not read the full thread so I apologise if I’m asking questions that have already been answered.

DD15 has been in treatment for anorexia with CAMHS for over 18 months. We are stuck in a perpetual cycle of small gains, plateaus and losses. Currently 80% wfh and the heaviest she’s ever been (she is naturally a very skinny person, like her Dad). Yet the cognitions are still strong. She would not eat if she wasn’t forced to. I have had to take so much time out of work to enforce this (self employed) that we are totally skint and I need to go back to work.

I am starting to lose faith in the CAMHS process. They told us that when she gained weight she would get better. But she’s gained weight and while she is not as ill, she is far from better.

She sees her nurse once a week for weigh ins which does nothing much. And psychologically once a week, which I’ve yet to see a benefit from either, although they are a support to me at least.

Is there anywhere we can go from here? Another route to try? Should we be looking for options in the private sector? We can’t afford it but I’d rather go down fighting than continue with the hell we’re living right now.

For an extra kick in the teeth, DS11 was diagnosed with T1 Diabetes last year as well. We really could do with a light at the end of the horrifically dark tunnel we’re in.

Hi @Aranan - sorry you are in this situation. You will find lots of support on this thread. If you are considering private (or just want some advice) - I would look into Orri. Their social media page is very helpful plus they have online and face to face support. The team would definitely be able to give you some advice. They take over 16s but depending on how near to 16 your DD is, they might still be able to help.
Take care and all the best.

Thank you @Havehope21 - I will look into Orri. My DD will soon be 16.

Does anyone know anyone who has ever really recovered from this? It all seems so bleak. The only adults I know who have had EDs when younger still have incredibly unhealthy relationships with food. It seems a lifetime struggle and it truly breaks my heart that even if my daughter managed to survive teenage years, her future life seems like it will always be haunted.

@Aranan - yes, lots do! For example, this person works on empowering women to have more confidence in themselves victoriaspence.com/the-glow-up/ - again, her social media page is very good.

Hi and welcome Aran but sorry you've had to find us, I do believe teens can fully recover but I know how bleak it can feel. How much food is are you getting into your dd at the moment? And is she on any medication?

I think some teens do just need weight gain and lots of food but for some medication can help move them forward.

The success rate for FBT is pretty good but it's a brutal, soul destroying process 😕

@Aranan im sorry you are her but welcome, I have been watching Emily spence on YouTube who seems recovered to me and her videos are great and also a podcast she just started with someone else who has fully recovered, iv only listen to one episode (I think there Is currently only one!) but released each week and this week they each said 3 things they were most thankful for recovering and my D found that very motivating.

sorry that was stupid of me ! the podcast is called rewired ! its on apple and Spotify I think

Welcome @Aranan - have you read any of Tabitha Farrar's stuff. I found her approach more helpful when dealing with older teens and she is in established recovery herself.

My DD started following a few social media people who were in recovery - it seemed to me that she was almost testing out recovery before going for it herself. One person we both still follow is ro recovering (on insta and YouTube) I shared a video of hers upthread. Ro went down the 'all in' approach to recovery and DD (in her first attempt at recovery) had a mantra which was "the only way not to have an eating disorder is to pretend you don't have an eating disorder" - fake it until you make it basically.

Does your DD talk about her aspirations for the future - we found that a compelling route (when DD was ready) - shifting the focus away from meals/meal plans and away from 'weight' to 'state' - what would being healthy, strong and independent enough to do x, y or z look like and how do we get there type conversations...

Hi all - just wanted to give a positive as all my posts have been gloomy. We've done 48 hours with no tears or arguments. Our relationship has improved 100% (I know this won't last, but I'm enjoying it now) and she's put away 1750 cal for the past 2 days. This is a big improvement on the 5/600 we were at in Sep. Hanging onto the good times here 🤞🏻 Hope everyone else is ok.

@SwattyPie ah - fab news!! Am so pleased for you as you've definitely been under the cosh for a while now. Take all the wins is a mantra of this board!

@SwattyPie well done to both of you ! That is great news. I like to say look how far you have come !

pressed send to soon ! But not how far you need to go

Welcome Aranan. You're in a good place here for advice. I have the same thoughts about my dd's future living with ED and I can't see how she'll ever just eat freely. I also find camhs a bit lacking and our appointments are like groundhog day. The real work happens at home. I'm learning all the time from the amazing posters here and resources online and tweaking how I approach things.

SwattyPie It's so lovely to wake up to your post this morning. Wishing you more and more of those wonderful days with your dd when you can reboot your relationship and kick ED's butt.

Dd went to town with friends yesterday. It's hard to let go and not worry about what she'll eat while she's out. Being with friends and happily leaving the house is vital to her recovery so I have to keep telling myself a drop in cals is worth it. Hopefully peer pressure will play a part when she's eating out with friends.