Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

My dd is the same. On the occasions she's made something herself (I do let her do some snacks) she gets the scales out, her phone out, checks everything. She's completely obsessed by calories. Tbh she doesn't really need her phone, she knows the calories in everything. She'll even weigh out the peanut butter for her toast. I'm not sure how she'll be able to unwire her brain completely which is why I can't see her ever being totally free of ED tbh.

Are there any resources online or tips regards to moving to independent eating? DD prepares her own breakfast (I loiter around the kitchen to make sure it's enough), chooses her own snacks x 3 and occasionally prepares her lunch at the weekend and sometimes eats out with friends (very rarely though - I request receipts to reimburse her and check what has been bought). However I am constantly on edge, vigilant for any back sliding - and college next year for lunches fills me with anxiety. We are going to be discharged from CAMH soon (in next three months) - for the last six months the meetings have only been between DH and I and the ED nurse as obs are taken at the GP - DD hates the ED hospital and the staff.

And also - liquid calories. Found some carton drinks that DD had taken to school and not drank, hidden in bedroom. She always trys to avoid fruit juice drinks - 50 to 60 calories, how do you get past this?

Money - DD hoards money to the final penny, picking up 20p off the floor. I read Tabitha Farrar that scarcity is what sufferers fear and so she hoarded cash. In your experience is this another complexity of this mental illness.

D1ANA22 I think I've written here about dd's food hoarding and how at one point I counted over 20 boxes of cereal, hundreds of cereal bars and a shelf full of peanut butter. She was requesting I buy more and more but they were hardly getting eaten. I think it's the fear of running out of whatever is their comfort and another form of control. We've got it down to a more manageable level but still have a crazy amount of food.

I don't know if it's reassuring or worrying that there's a few of us in a similar situation. Dd is the same with liquid calories, she only has two non water drinks a day and sticks to this rule like glue.

I've tried encouraging her to have more but it falls on deaf ears. Likewise with her evening snack, she has to have this on the dog walk, if she forgets the snack or we don't go on the walk she won't have it.

As I strongly suspect ASC I'm not sure how much of this rule abiding is that and how much is ED.

@Lottsbiffandsmudge and all the other thread member - is it ok if I post here? My DD turned 20 last week, but I can't see any threads for parents of young adults. Please do point me in the right direction if I've missed one!

Hi @rayssunshineeverywhere - these threads started out as being badged as teens but I think cross over into young adults. Mine would be in the same year group as yours as mine turns 20 in march. Tell us what's going on for you?

Thank you so much for the welcome, @myrtleWilson .

My DD rang me from university the night before the last and told me that she is having quite intense problems with eating. It seems to have developed very quickly - she has always had what I would have thought a very healthy approach to food, but since the end of September this has developed. She is managing to eat dinner every day (even though she's eating in the bathroom so that no one sees) but she's absolutely compulsively thinking about food and not eating all day and night.

What makes it all the more terrifying is that she has a very serious, complex heart condition. I've rung the cardiac liaison nurse to let them and her consultant know, but I'm now focusing on getting her home on Tuesday and getting her to the GP.

I'm just worried, obviously, and even though my older daughter has been through it, she didn't actually let us know until she was well on the road to recovery, so I do feel out of my depth and very ignorant about everything.

Hi Ray you are very welcome to join us on the thread although sorry you've had to find us! I would definitely take a lot of comfort from the fact that your dd has opened up to you and acknowledges there's an issue.

Def bring her home and get her medically checked over. The Dr will need to do all the obs, bloods and an ecg especially given the known heart issue.

Anorexia is genetic so if her sister has had an ED as well that would make sense (unfortunately!) It is triggered by weight loss and can take hold frighteningly quickly.

If she's lost a lot of weight she may need to find out of uni for a bit so you can work on getting her eating again and get the weight stable. That said the first step is speaking to a Dr.

rayssunshineeverywhere

Welcome ❤️

This is a great place for support and information and a place to share anything and everything. It's tempting to overload on information on ED at the beginning but it can be quite overwhelming so my advice is take it slowly and remember to look after yourself.

It's so good that's your dd has opened up to you so quickly, and coming home where she can get the help and love she needs. Wishing you both all the best and hoping it's a smooth journey to recovery.

@rayssunshineeverywhere - Welcome! So sorry to hear about your daughter, but great she is confiding in you, and willing to accept help. As the mother of an adult, you might find the Beat website and their free courses helpful. I took their Developing Dolphins course and it is excellent.

Welcome @rayssunshineeverywhere if that is the right word.
Some excellent advice already. My DD was 13 and 14 when ill so I am not the best to add anything!!
Sorry been MIA father in law been taken badly ill so hubby been dealing with that and as we live 5 hours away I have been flying solo for a while. Whilst he moved up there.
The independent eating thing is such a tough one. My DD is pretty good but still defaults to the lowest cal option when out (always fish).
I have had to gradually let go over the last 15m since she became WR and she makes better choices now. Immeidiatl3y after WR I could see it would be v easy for her to slip back. Now it's been a good while it seems less likely.
To begin with any set back (in any part of her life) would see her cut food. Now she doesn't do that.
So in some cases time might be the answer?

Thank you everyone for being so kind.

I will definitely look more into the Beat course; it's good to have a recommendation.

The genetic nature of anorexia does make sense, although I'm more surprised in a way about DD2, than DD1 somehow. DD1 is a professional dancer and developed it whilst at vocational dance school where it is sadly very, very common. When she first told me she downplayed it quite significantly (and was already eating almost normally again by that time) and at the time I thought it was more like what I experienced at a similar age when I teetered at the edge but didn't fall in. I took one of those 'do you have an eating disorder?' type quizzes in a magazine or newspaper and ticked every box except for lanugo and gave myself the shock I needed before it went too far. When DD1 first spoke about it, it seemed like it was the same but having spoken about it recently it seems it was more serious than she let on.

Back to DD2. I'm not sure how much weight she has lost. I will get feedback from DD1 tonight as they are visiting their dad in France before DD2 comes to me on Tuesday. The thing is she was already slim so any weight loss could be problematic. But DD1 is going to have strict words with their dad before DD2 gets there about not mentioning how she looks. He is very much of the 'skinnier the better' opinion and was definitely a factor in DD1's problems. (How she'd need to be as thin as possible for her dance career etc.) He doesn't know about DD2's situation until she decides to confide in him, but DD2 will have to prep him just enough.

*any weight loss at all

and

*DD1 will have to prep him

I thought I'd proof read before posting!!

rayssunshineeverywhere

My dh (and myself really) knew nothing about anorexia before dds illness. He often said the wrong thing - still does! There are some good resources on YouTube you could point her dad towards. Myself and dh found the Eva Musby bitesize audios really helpful at the beginning, it's like a quick crash course.

Saturday night food for thought. Pun intended - Apologies. What on earth are you getting your AN daughters for Christmas? I am totally struggling. No clothes, (dysmorphia), nothing to eat, no baking accessories, has had a new phone recently.... Anyone got ANY ideas? Pretty please!

@SwattyPie I am ‘lucky’ in the sense she loves books so will get some books also fluffy socks and jumper she asked for fluffy things !

• She likes jewellery a lot so am going to look at Swarovski and Pandora etc for some ‘special’ jewellery
• experiences D is always going on about what she wants to be able to do when better and no longer has the voice in her head so in the past we have done tickets or vouchers for something ti look forward to but with no time pressure such as spa day or night in London or even a city break
• she likes jigsaws ! So will probably get her one
• my D is not into shoes or bags really but shoes and bags are safe in regards to body dysmorphia
• D doesn’t like makeup but if your D is, that may be an option ?
• subscription for next flic or equivalent
• connect tickets ?
• voucher for local cinema

hope that helps I find it so hard ! Especially when previously all she wanted was clothes ! And she now can’t bake which she loves so stuck again

Sorry netflix/Spotify

I hope I'm not being distasteful posting this, but after reading quite a few messages on this forum after lurking on some other threads I just had to say something.
I am 29 with a little girl of my own now, but had anorexia as a teen and have relapsed in and out of it and still struggle to this day. In fact I'm in a very bad patch, hence the forum lurking.
I didn't have a great support system as a teen, I wasn't really taken seriously, and I think, had I had some of the support you wonderful mums are providing, I may have stood a much better chance at full recovery years ago.
It's just so lovely to see and I wish I could have been on the receiving end myself years ago.
I know being a family member of AN is not easy at all, and with a little girl of my own now I hope to god and try every day to ensure I don't pass anything disordered onto her.
I wish you and your families all the very best xx

Thank you for the Xmas pressie ideas - and thank you @jagged - I needed that tonight. Well, every night to be honest. I have had 5 words out of my daughter today. She has eaten all the meals and snacks she needed too (bare min but I'm not complaining) and watched a movie with me (I implored her to come out of her room), and a total of 5 words app day. That's it. I have tried hard not to lose my shit and just reminded her that saying hello and goodnight didn't feel like too much of an ask and made me feel a lot nicer. She whispered goodnight. I should point out that she went to a party with her friends last night, and spent an hour talking to her councilor today, so it's a voluntary mute thing towards me. (4 of the words were "you haven't done anything" when I asked what I'd done wrong today). Maybe I'll get her a megaphone for Christmas?!

@SwattyPie that does sound tough - apologies if we've covered this upthread and I've missed it - does she chat/communicate with you in other ways - so do you share memes/gifs/tiktok videos etc with each other. If you do then I think I'd be inclined to think that those are easier ways for her to communicate right now...

As frustrating as it is to get nothing back, I'd just keep plugging away with a benign love bomb every now and then - could you surprise her by putting a post it note of love hearts on her bedroom wall? I'm often reminded of ex sufferers who have come onto the thread and have said how much they valued the reminders of love their parents gave them, even when they weren't in a position to verbally reciprocate.

In that vein, @Jaggedbubble am sorry you had such a trying time with an eating disorder and hope you find your way out of your current blip - am sure you are the very best mom to your DD and give her an extra hug from me!

Christmas presents dd has asked for are a couple of LP's of her favourite bands, CeraVe skin care stuff, Ariana perfume, Bath & Bodyworks candles, she collects the 'Little People Big Dreams' books so a couple of those. I'll probably get her a new dressing gown and a couple of cushions for her bed and maybe new bedding. Usually I get her a selection box and other Christmas chocs and sweets but I'm not sure what to do about that this year.

Swattypie dd and I communicate by WhatsApp most of the time. She does communicate happily with friends so I take that as positive. She was the same before ED anyway. Sometimes she's really quite rude and nasty so ignoring me is preferable to that.

Jaggedbubble so sorry to hear you're suffering still and didn't get support as a teen. I would have floundered massively supporting my dd without forums such as this. The support and advice of other parents with real experience enables me to support my dd better. I really hope things get better for you.

Yes, we do use messages a bit, but generally about functional things. She occasionally talks to me when she fully breaks down and sobs, which is heartbreaking, but at least communicative. I regularly sit in her room with her and read/ sleep on the floor so she knows she's not alone. I tend to put audiobooks on to fill the silence and distract her from her own thoughts, but she doesn't like them and would rather I just buggared off. I'm clinging to the fact that lots of people say they appreciated their mum's were there, even when they didn't show it. Hoping the antidepressants kick in soon (day 7 and def some glimmers of them working)

Good news on the glimmers from the AD's...

I know how hard it is to feel rejected all the time - its certainly not covered off at NCT classes is it!

What is everyone doing in terms of advent calendars, I still have Ds unopened one from last year obviously I can’t give her that but I don’t know if I should buy another one as the last few years she has been adamant this year will be different and she will eat it but she never has

@Jaggedbubble thank you for your kind words honestly I wouldn’t know what to do without the help from this group. I’m sorry you are struggling still.
do you have access to any help at all ? I really hope things get better for you, you sound like an amazing mum.