Teen Eating Disorders Thread 7

[Lottsbiffandsmudge]

We have managed to fill the previous Thread here https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/eating_disorders/4471980-Teen-Eating-Disorders-Thread-6?page=40

So I thought I would start a new one.

Everyone supporting a young person with and ED is welcome here for advice (non professional but lived experience) and support.

Hoping everyone can find us...

I don't remember how old your dd is, @SwattyPie , but I think being hospitalized has helped my dd for that exact reason. I think it's very hard to make the parents into the enemy of the ED and not also then alienate them in other ways. Perhaps hospital wouldn't be the worst thing in the world (and I also have looked into longer term inpatient stays as well if my dd doesn't improve).

I don't mean your dd should go into hospital, I suppose I was trying to say I dreaded it for so long, then when it happened (twice in about a month and a half) it wasn't that bad and has helped her. I just like to feel we have options as I felt very trapped by the model I was initially presented with (refeeding by parents, very basically presented by CAHMS with a good side of blame) and didn't realise there were variations, other treatments, other pathways, it helps me to remember that.

I hear ya. I don't think she's that close to hospitalization due WFH but it's the mental side of things that is breaking us as a family. Maybe I'm hormonal today, but I just can't see how I can keep going like this. I did a bit of screaming in the car earlier (good tip!) and have arranged to take DD1 out for breakfast tomorrow, as she's had no attention from me for weeks now. Maybe I'll be ready to face another day of stony silence after a BLT with the chirpier offspring. But in all honesty, I find myself thinking that if I still feel like this in a few months time, I should take my passport and run.

@SwattyPie I hear you, please remember there is no reason why your DD won’t get better - but it’s the hardest thing that I have ever had to deal with. The worst job in the world and it’s 24/7. Silence, crying, self harm, head banging, running out of the house, vile abuse to all family members - CAMH’s didn’t warn me, it is only MN who ‘r

… reassured me this was ‘normal’. It has now got better, those early months are the hardest and I had to adjust my life enormously.

DH and I have elderly parents who we look after as well as DDs younger brother - DH is not in great health and has aged ten years in the last twelve months - we have become carers and it’s is well meaning when others say you can’t pour from half a cup, wish I had half a cup to pour from. My point is that I found it hard to accept with DDs illness that my life had changed but with time comes acceptance and resilience. I’ve cried a river over the life we had, but some of that is now returning - there is hope. Probably not made you feel better but honestly you are at the lowest point - keep going day by day and it will get better.

Swatty** i know there's been others on here in identical situations to you. In that respect we've been lucky (though none of us on here have had an easy ride) but dd never really got to the screaming or violent stage. Even so, the best thing that happened for us was her being hospitalised. Obviously it was horrific at the time but it made dd realise how she needed to get better.
If you're concerned about her safety then get her to a&e. And get yourself to your gp for support.

There are so many events that were so awful and mortifying that I couldn't tell anyone in real life. DD coming at DH with a kitchen knife, DD opening a moving car door, hitting me, running away with barefeet and us calling the police. Another time she ran away and DH was on his bike circling the streets and I was running around, trying to track her on findmyphone. Eventually I found a community police officer and we cornered DD who was screaming at the (fairly rotund, female) officer - "I'm 43kg! Can you imagine anything worse?" and the officer was going, "ooo I don't do kilograms".

I also remember that sense of bafflement that we'd gone from a very lucky family to the worst problem family on the street. I remember meeting the mother of anorexic who said she'd scroll through the photos on her phone trying to find the moment it went wrong.

So many times I wanted to run away. DH and I would try to sense when the other was losing it and take over the reins for the next meal.

All I can say to anyone at the low point is that statistically the odds are hugely in your favour. The two best indicators of a complete recovery are youth (so being in teens not 20s) and a support system. You might feel like you're the crappiest parent ever, but you are heroes. Honestly, the fact that you're on this board trying to find a way through shows this.

Swatty there have been so many parents on this thread who have been where you are now and it has turned around. I remember a few parents i was seriously worried about as they were suicidal and they have now moved on from this thread as their children have recovered. It is definitely possible.

Valley I'm really sorry as I know it's not funny but the police lady story made me smile, sometimes in the depth of this illness you get these moments that perfectly illuminate just how crazy it is! We've had our fair share of dd running off or walking faster than anyone else could possibly walk so I'm running to catch up with her huffing and puffing like the unfit 40 something women I am!! To anyone who was watching they must have thought we were demented!!

I also look back on life pre ED and think how happy and straight forward our lives were then, I sometimes look at the photos of dd on her 14th bday and she looks so healthy and happy then. Two months later with the onset of lockdown 1 she was restricting and our lives were turned upside down 🙁

It's over 2 and a half years on now and although things are generally better we still are not back to those carefree days of her 14th bday.

Hi all, just popped in to say hello, as a fabulous poster messaged me to ask if I was ok. I am ok! DD is doing really well and I cannot believe how far we have come in a year. I couldn't have considered it possible this time last year.

@SwattyPie @Girliefriendlikespuppies mentioned that some posters were suicidal. Not sure if she was referring to me, but in the deepest darkest moments, every night I used to ask not to wake up in the morning. I found it so unbearable, and didn't think I could do it. I thought DD was going to die and I couldn't stop it. A very kind GP locum put me on sertraline and I romped through the doses and found that at 100mg I didn't want to not wake up any more, and I could cope - mostly. The day DD attacked me was one of the lowest points. So please do know you're not alone - if it's happened to you, it's happened to others. I was reported to children's services as well, just as the cherry on the top.

I'm off the sertraline (started reducing in June/July and have now been completely off them for over a month). I feel ok! Sometimes a bit low (I need to remember my Vit D)but generally normal.

DD is doing so well, she's in a strong recovery but I am always wary. Funnily enough it started in February when we went skiing (against the advice of many on here I have to say). She realised she didn't want to say goodbye to all of this and halfway through the week asked if she could taste my croque monsieur. On the last night, she ordered a burger with reblochon, chips and a fanta, and turned the fanta can around saying she didn't need to see the calories. After that, she just started to eat! Now she's even sneaking chocolates upstairs to her room and behaving like a normal teenager. I watch and I look and I wonder how we all got through it.

DD1 is at Uni now and it must have been so hard for her too (she has anxiety), but I am so proud of her, she's doing it!

There were many times I felt like a guest on the Jeremy Kyle show, and in some ways I still do (my run ins with Children's Services have just been resolved via the Office for the Information Commissioner and I have realised that I can KICK ASS when I want to!).

I'm not sure I'll ever be normal. My own weight and self image has taken a major bashing (lost 9 kilos from stress and boy have I piled it back on + more - menopause etc) but I am happy to be where I am now. If I can do it, you can do, as basically I was a complete sh*tshow. Deep breaths. Ask for help, don't be like me.

To all of you warrior women, keep going. You've got this.

Thank you all, for your replies. I really appreciate them. I have been taking sertroline for 2 weeks now and am feeling some improvement, I think. The days are just so long (weekends) with this air of silence and DD just on her phone ignoring everyone. We're waiting for meds for her (expecting call back tomorrow) for low mood, but I don't know that it will help. She doesn't want help. She doesn't want to get better. She doesn't like us or trust us. Why would she want to hang out or be distracted by me when I'm literally the devil in her eyes, who has fabricated this whole situation unnecessarily? I could cope with being ignored if she was happy but she's just so so sad.

@DarkBlueEyes thank you for the very insightful update, I'm so glad your dd is in recovery so firmly, you all sound amazing but I agree it's a matter of keeping the faith even when it seems impossible. I also take anti-ds at a low dose, started for different reasons, but that helps. It's great to hear there is a way out, it often doesn't feel that way.

How about a middle-aged, worn around the edges but still going Warrior Woman? That's the best I can muster!

@Valleyofthedollymix thank you for your comment about the odds being in our favour.

We're at a really low ebb at the moment and it really does help to hear that.

I've just started taking setraline as well and I'm hoping it will help ease the constant feeling of dread and panic. I'm trying to model good eating in front of (still not eating solids) DD13 but the anxiety I have now at mealtimes is making it hard to swallow.

Still she managed half a tin of tomato soup at lunchtime so that's something. And I'm now fortifying the fortisip with extra oil to add in as many calories as I can to her limited diet.

Her mood has seemed slightly improved the last couple days so I'm hoping the fluoxetine has started kicking in. And she's massively motivated but continuing to see her friends so I'm hoping this can be leverage to get us through the 16 days until the ED assessment at the Maudsley

@Buteverythingsfine that sounds pretty bloody brilliant to me, and almost exactly what I would write myself! This process has aged me considerably.... but we are still here and we are still fighting.

Hello dark yes you were one of the mums I was really worried about, I can remember it was before your dd went into hospital and you were so desperate 😢 it makes me so happy to hear how well your dd is doing. You are both amazing!!

Yep to middle aged warrior mums!! I to feel like I've aged ten years in the last two 🥴

Swatty my dd was really similar to your dd, she actively hated me, at one point she wouldn't even sit in the same room as me. Given it's only the two of us it was awful especially as we'd always got on okay previously. All I can say is it did get better very gradually with weight gain, now I think we have a fairly normal mum/teen relationship.

If you can try and separate the ED from your dd, it's the ED that hates you - not your dd. One day your dd will thank you for saving her life.

Thanks. I know everyone talks about separating the ED and I can certainly do this, but my DD definitely can't and just looks at us like we're mad if we talk about "the eating disorder is telling you..." Etc. Has anyone got any tips on how to get DD to actually accept it as a separate thing to her? (Although to be honest I think she's not accepted it's a problem anyway yet).

She has managed to eat everything on the meal plan today (very specific calorie counting going on, but I'm kicking that ok be down the road today) and we're actually in the same room watching a film. Very few words but I suppose at least she's safe.

Hi @SwattyPie - I've posted about this before and it may not be helpful to you in your current circumstances.

I had a lightbulb moment at some point during our ED journey when I really really truly truly realised the relationship between DD and anorexia. For so long I'd focused on trying to isolate the ED from DD, then I realised that I needed to acknowledge that the ED gave something to DD that she wasn't getting elsewhere.

Once I understood that, it shifted something in us - the more I tried to isolate DD from the ED in a perverse way the more power I gave it. Once my mindset shifted, the battle lines changed and I do genuinely think in my favour.

I can't really explain it very well other than I saw a shift in how I approached things and a difference in Dd.

@SwattyPie something that forms part of MANTRA (a therapy for adults with anorexia) is letter writing. So your DD would write one letter to anorexia as a friend - this will help give insight as to why your DD turned to anorexia, what they see as the benefits (e.g. numbing) - then the other to anorexia as a negative figure (this helps to realise what anorexia has taken away/how it has harmed them - e.g your DD could say in the second 'Dear Ana, since you have been here, my hair has fallen out / I am cold all the time / I don't have confidence / there are lots of arguments in the house etc)'.
Your DD might not be at the right stage to do this yet, but when she is ready, in can be very insightful for you both. Something one of the Orri webinars said was how it is important to understand that there was a reason why the sufferer turned to anorexia and if you can start to unpick that, you can offer other coping mechanisms. Hope this helps.

That makes sense - thanks both. I really like the letter idea, but she's definitely not there yet. I'd love for her to complete a pros/cons of change / staying the same but she's not ready. I feel like I'm failing on the refeeding - we are following a cahms meal plan but it's not enough to put on weight. I'm hoping we can just maintain where we are while we work on the low mood. It's very frustrating but I suppose I should be grateful that she's agreeing to the meal plan, and I know that cahms will put it up soon. I guess I'll let them be the bad guys. I keep telling myself that maintaining is better than losing right now...

@SwattyPie my dd is older (17) so maybe sees things differently anyway but she was adamant that the ED is not separate to her, and has resisted all attempts for me to refer to it as such which she feels are 'babyish' (e.g. talking about some other thing controlling her mind). We frame it as a form of mental illness, which she had prior to ED, and so something that can change like other mental health problems such as depression. It's a more scientific explanation and less about personifying the ED. In other words, it's powerful but changeable. I think with all these things what works for one doesn't always work for another.and these books/tools are good as some stuff does work, even if everything doesn't quite hit home.

I completely agree that there's much variation in what works for different people. I think it's important to have that caveat in mind whenever reading recommendations.

What @myrtleWilson says about anorexia giving them something that the need is a really interesting point and I think ties in with the approach that eventually worked for us. We didn't make everything stop until food was eaten/weight gained because when we did that the anorexia had a huge void in which to bloom. Often against orthodoxy/medical advice we tried to carry on with as much as possible in terms of school and allowing her to see her friends. We didn't want a situation where she gained the weight but there was nothing left in her life.

One area where this was particularly true was exercise and sport. I'm really interested to hear @DarkBlueEyes say that a skiing trip was a turning point. We got DD a football coach to help her regain some of the skills and fitness she'd lost over lockdown and anorexia. Only a couple of times at Christmas, once at half term etc. We wanted her to have a taste of what she could do if she left anorexia behind. And no way could we wait until she was a 100%WFH to do this (we'd still be waiting).

Every recovered adult I've spoken to has said that one day they just had a realisation that life could offer them more than not eating. A positive way towards recovery - showing them all the wonderful things out there - can work better than a more punitive model.

@Valleyofthedollymix I have come to the same conclusion, my dd suffered severe depression in the past, so wanting to live in general was as important as wanting to live through eating. That said, we have found it hard to balance that need to study and socialise at times, so say, taking taxis or getting lifts everywhere is one way to keep in the world whilst minimising energy out. So hard to know if you are doing the right thing, though and at times, I've really doubted my decisions!

Thanks for your message @Valleyofthedollymix I think I'm starting to work towards this with DD13 (though we're still early days). She seems to be responding much better to oodles of compassion and a carrot approach- so saying I really want her to be able to do things eg with her friends, but we need to see progress step by step.

It seems like a very small victory, but DD has gone from being adamant she'll never take a mouthful of food again to eating half a ton of tomato soup at lunch yesterday, two pieces of vegetarian sausage at dinner, and two spoons of Rice Krispies at breakfast. I've had to feed her to get those in, and we'll clearly need the smoothies and fortisip for a while, but even those small steps feel more positive. A motivator is definitely seeing her friends and being able to start dance again.

And I made a conscious effort to keep the weekend loving and fun regardless of food intake (for my own sake too) and it does seem to have worked.

A tin not a ton (I wish!)

I'd also say that wasn't entirely a choice, my 17 has earned money and wanted to move out anyway, so the idea I could completely control say her phone or social life was not possible, she left home for days prior to this. Being hospitalized could do that, and that's what she found out!