Why can’t I kick this wretched anorexia out of my life? (Rhetorical)

[RedPanda2022]

Developed anorexia age 14/15, now almost 40. It has been present, albeit in various forms and strengths, during that whole time and I am drained and fed up with nothing ever working. I’ve had a BMI of 16-17ish for last decade or so, mainly as it became obvious losing weight and long hospital admissions would jeopardise my career and family so I’ve really focused on stabilisation if recovery/significant improvement was impossible. I exercise daily and really freak out if I can’t.

Over the years I’ve had family therapy (in teens), endless CBT (various therapists), day group treatment programme based at an ED unit, three admissions to hospital in specialist units, mentalisation course, mindfulness course and most recently /ongoing psychotherapy. I pay for the psychotherapy and it has been the most beneficial so far, definitely helped with understanding myself but not helped me face fears.

I am realistic that I will always have an eating disorder but would like to improve things to some extent e.g. days off exercising, being able to eat birthday cake, being able to go to dinner with colleagues occasionally, enjoy some foods again.

what has helped others make that leap of faith needed to start doing it differently?

Quick reply.
What has helped me is when I have pushed out of my comfort zone, to look back and recognise that the world didn't implode, that it was OK, that no one even noticed that I had a biscuit.

I then use those thoughts to help me through another situation (a meal out, to go to an event which means I'll miss running club).

And it's ok to go back and forth. Letting the voice in your head "win" isn't failure, you can try again.

Thanks. I think your point about going back and forth is very helpful. I find the whole ‘being in recovery’ concept very dispiriting as nothing ever really changed how I thought/felt. Probably just starting very small is more manageable.

Also, something that shook me up was when my dietician sort of shrugged and told me that I could live this way for ever. My weight was not dangerously low, I have truck loads of self-awareness, I know what I need to do.

I could live this way, letting the demons sit there dominating every aspect of my life, OR I could challenge them, face my fears, make myself vulnerable with the goal of living a better life.

I've sat there in therapy thinking what a bloody waste of time.