Bulimia and shame

[Tisforptarmigan]

I had bulimia when I was in my mid 20s. I'm 54 now. It lasted about 5 years and was the worst time of my life. I struggled so much and part of the struggle was the disgust I felt with myself about making myself sick and how revolting that is.

I have never told a single person about what I went through because it feels so shameful. I think people mostly view bulimia as a lack of self control and greed, not as an illness.

If I had suffered with depression I think I would be able to tell people about my past and they would understand and empathise, especially with all the mental health awareness there is today. Bulimia, not so much!

Do other past sufferers try to hide their past?

Yes, same here
Not bulimia but similar I won't post the details as it's not well known and could trigger someone to try it.
Worst time of my life, felt shame and nobody understood back then as mental health wasn't a thing.

The positives are it made me more understanding and so on ....
I overcame it alone

How did you stop? Finding it really hadd

I have bulimia. Nobody knows. I have been able to tell a handful of close friends that I had it in my teens, but I’ve always made out it was a resolved issue when in fact it was never resolved I still struggle with it now in my 30s. I feel very ashamed about it, it makes me feel disgusting but I have had it for longer than I lived without it now so don’t think I will ever beat it. I had a psychiatry referral for self harm a few years ago and did actually tell the psychiatrist who referred me to an eating disorder clinic, but then when my GP received the referral he dismissed it and said as I was of a normal weight I couldn’t have an eating disorder and cancelled the referral.

How rubbish:( I’m dealing with it all the time too it’s a vicious circle of fear of weight gain and inability to escape the shackles of it.

Trigger warning descriptive eating disorder behaviour and thoughts

Yeah I had bulimia and haven't told a soul. I suspect my dentist knew as my teeth were in a terrible state and I had those marks on my knuckles. I was a healthy weight and 'seemed' fine.
I had a lot of shame about it and wanted to hide it because at the time eating disorders meant anorexia in most people's minds.

I stopped when I fell pregnant. I resumed it again after birth then I switched 'transferred' self harm and addictive behaviour into something else. I relapse and do it a few times a year. It usually happens when I'm going through a stressful period.

I listened to the autobiography 'I'm Glad My Mum Died' and actually listening to her struggle with bulimia, helped me forgive myself for my (past) struggle with it. Her descriptions of it paint a picture of someone who I feel nothing but sympathy for - it's a truly terrible illness to experience, and grips you so tight. To feel so unsafe doing something as simple as eating. To be out of control in your own body. To feel like you let yourself down so much. The secrecy. The shame. I feel sorry for younger me that she experienced it. And that sympathy now feels stronger than the shame. But I'm 15 years out so maybe it's the time too. I'm open with other negative aspects of my past but I have only told one person I was bulimic. I've been a psychiatric inpatient and suicidal and I have less shame about that and find it easier to talk about than I do the cycle of binging and purging I was stuck in for years.
Past or present, any sufferers - my heart goes out to you.