Bulimia.

[Bonnie90x]

Bulimic on/off for 17 years. Go through periods of restriction, binging and then full blown bulimia, and can not seem to stop it. I've had CBT which I found unhelpful as I know the way to tackle it is structured eating but I can not seem to eat normal portions. I want to know if anybody has successfully recovered from bulimia and gone on to live a life free from the hell of food preoccupation!!?? I suspect I need extensive therapy but I just can't afford it. I've got two young children and I can't carry on like this , I feel so hopeless about any form of recovery.
I'm also just coming out of a horrendous bout of PND and currently under the care of CMHT but they are unconcerned despite me explaining the severity of my eating disorder.

Hi. I suffered from bulimia in my mid twenties - I'm 54 now. I struggled for years and it totally consumed (and ruined) my life during that time. Food and making myself sick was all I thought about. I finally reached rock bottom (attempted suicide) and from that point onwards decide I had to recover. And I did. It's a crap method of recovery I know, but I did it.

I never even think about making myself sick now. It just feels like something that happened to someone else.

Just keep trying. It's a terrible disease, and I hope you are able to get better and get the help you need.

Thank you for your reply, appreciate it. It's been part of my life for so long I can't remember a time I ever ate normally. I'm really starting feel the physical effects of it now on my body and deep down I can't realistically sustain this lifestyle, emotionally and financially. Did you simply do the structural eating format to get well again?

I was bulimic as a teenager, but managed to stop when I left home and got away from my toxic parents. So for me it was not about managing the eating, more about escaping from a situation where I had no control over my life. Sadly I now see my daughter (early 20s) developing a very poor relationship with food - refusing meals and then eating crap all day.

Hi, are you still there, OP? I suffered with bulimia for many years. I don't like to say I'm now fully recovered because I see it like alcoholism; its an ongoing thing (I make that sound like a struggle and it doesn't have to be - it requires maintence, like a garden that needs tending, if you like). Basically I understand myself better now and as a result my bulimia is no longer the boss of me as it was for many years. As a previous poster mentioned I too found hitting rock bottom a significant moment - I think there does come a point where the decision makes itself - you decide not that you don't want to live like this anymore but you won't, you refuse to. You deserve better - and you do. Bulimia is seldom the issue in itself, rather its often the symptom of something else being wrong. It'll be the crutch you use when chaos enters your life. You say you're going through a bad bulimic stage at the moment and that you're also struggling with your PND. Well it's no surprise, is it. I too found CBT unhelpful, are you medicated? There is evidence to suggest some anti depressants can help with bulimia if you are open to that. Again, might not be the magic bullet (I'm sorry to say this but you already know it's true - there is no magic bullet sadly) but could be worth exploring. I was also very resistant to structured eating. I found it an absurd concept after years of bingeing and purging but it really was the beginning of a turning point for me. Try with one small, 'safe' meal that you will keep down. Even if the rest of that day or week is a disaster, that is a building block for you to apply progress. Bulimia isn't about food it's about feelings, what are you scared of feeling? It cannot be any worse than what this horrible disease is doing to you. Here if you (or anyone else wants to chat). Much love xx

Hi OP, this thread is active again and I hope you are reading and finding the replies helpful.

I had bulimia for most of my 20s. At the time I couldn't even imagine being free of it, but now I have been completely recovered for 15 years and never even give it a second thought anymore. I've more or less forgotten that it happened, or else feel like it happened to someone else.

I recognise a lot of what others here have said about stress factors and the need to address the psychological side. However, like you I had lots of counselling that simply didn't help because it actually failed to address the physical side. Bulimia is, after all, a behavioural disorder that has massive physical effects. The physical impact massively effects your mental health in turn, so it has to be tackled. I too reached rock bottom with where my life was headed (i.e. nowhere) and so I abandoned all the introspection and made myself address the eating problem. It meant that I had to give myself permission to eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted, which was the best way for me of avoiding the restrict-binge-purge cycle. My only rule was that I forbade myself from purging. This was actually the opposite of the structured programme I had been advised to follow, but I felt a lot more comfortable with it. At the start it meant that sometimes I ate too little or badly (my digestive system was very sensitive and I just wanted to eat sweets) but over time I got used to eating more normally. I binged a few times to begin with and forced myself to sit with it and not purge, which would just set the same cycle up again.

I also had to accept it when I gained weight. My weight did go up, but then it reached a natural set point (1 stone higher than I had been maintaining, BMI 23-ish) and after that it stabilised easily. It became obvious my body needed to be at that weight all along.

It took a long time but all this worked and my recovery couldn't be more complete. I also became so much more confident, alert and assertive as a person. But it was so hard to envisage a way out when I was in the grip of it, so I understand how you feel OP.

The best book I have ever read on this was Susie Orbach's 'On Eating', which gives great, simple guidance on what I have described.

Lots of love to you, OP - there is a healthy and vibrant version of you who is much closer than you think

PS I don't know if I have explained this part clearly, but it's not that I didn't need to address the emotional side - it's just that I prioritised addressing the bulimia as a problem in its own right and found it worked much better. Once I had my physical health and mental clarity back I was in a much better place to understand how I had gotten there in the first place.

Hello all, thank you so very much for the replies. Still here and still facing the same problems but I'm going to have a look at the book recommendations - thank you so much again xx

My point of view - and I realise everyone is different- is keep going with the structured eating. It hasn't solved all my problems and I still very much consider myself to have an eating disorder but it has helped. I am lucky that I have had long term support from a psychologist, dietician and the CMHT.

I still haven't got portion sizes right and I am working on that with a dietician. I still find myself too hungry at times and will binge and purge, but the frequency has decreased. The longer the period I can sustain the structured eating for, the easier it becomes because I am not stuck in that cycle where your blood sugars are everywhere and you are just so hungry you end up binging. Sometimes I feel like I'm making good progress, some days I feel like I'm going backwards. Some days I'm frustrated because any time I have to eat outside of my planned eating times I really struggle but the structured eating gives me something tangible to work towards.

The preoccupation with food is still there, I am still terrified of weight gain, but I feel better for every day I don't engage in binging and purging behaviours.

I think if you can push through the first few weeks or months where structured eating is hard to get right, it will start to make a difference. On its own it won't cure anything, but I am sure if you can consistently nourish yourself you will feel better. I hope your CMHT up their game as well. They should be taking you seriously!

My DD is in recovery from the type where you both restrict and binge and purge (thinking that's actually a pretty normal way of eating disorders displaying themselves).
Over the last week, there have a been a few incidents that have led me to believe that she is eating as she should be (well more to the point of over eating but in my eyes that's better than not eating) but then throwing up.
I have evidence I have discussed the evidence with her.
She is telling me that it is rumination and not in her control. Is it me or does rumination not just sound like hands free purging?
We were in the loos in a supermarket, later on in the day, she went for a wee, talked the whole way through and then I went for a wee.
When I came out there was a sink full of vomit.
I was like 'on that's strange I didn't notice that before I went in..?'
She said oh yeah was most definitely there before
Then having been preoccupied with that all day, I then in the evening noticed bits of onion in the bathroom sink plughole.
Got her to join.me for washing up and just casually said 'was the onion in the sink from the meal last night or the left over curry this morning?'
To which she said "I'm not sure.'
I really thought we had had a breakthrough in that moment but she has basically said I am a horrible person and how dare I make accusations like that and that it's the rumination and that she definitely isn't lying to me.
Anyway my point is that to me (not an expert in any way) that she has managed to develop hands free purging and is increasingly upping the purging behaviour.
Could I be wrong in this?

As in could it really be actual rumination rather than purging?

Oh and her hair smelled of vomit but at that point I didn't even think to try and bring that up.

By rumination do you mean that she is bringing up her food without forcing it?

If you purge frequently enough it becomes possible to vomit in this way. I have been at this point, but for it to happen you still have to want to bring the food back - at least in my experience. I could have kept the food down had I wanted to, but I suppose it might be possible to get to a point where you can't? Either way, the denial is not a good sign and I think you're right to be concerned. Can you persuade her to go to the GP and ask for blood tests? If she is vomiting that frequently I think it would be good for her electrolytes and kidney function to be checked.

Things progressed slightly si

Bumwipes!!! Posted too soon. Since then.
It's been a fun trip to the hospital after a cry for help?
Anyway physically she is fine and mentally we will be checking in with her regular care team this coming week.
The hospital have run bloods (not sure which ones exactly) so will try and get a copy of them during the week from GP.
She actually asked if they would do an exam of her osephagus (sp very tired...) So that there would be actual proof through lack of damage to it, that she wasn't doing it deliberately.
It is my understanding from the mad googling I have been doing of the subject that she could quite easily reswallow it.
Eating disorders I really wish they were not a thing...