Hi everyone, posting for advice. Am 38 and my issues with food started at 18 when I went to university. I had a terrible terrible time at university. It was very competitive, private school dominated. I was a state educated, fairly shy and awkward girl from the midlands. I felt like I’d landed on mars. I was bullied badly and sexually assaulted. However it was the constant not fitting in or being accepted that was the worst. I tried out for so many clubs, societies, sports, student drama etc and was rejected by all of them. (Honestly, I know this sounds like me and my violin but it’s what happened.) In my first year I lived next door to a very unpleasant girl who became one of many ‘frenemies’ I would have. She spent the first term bringing me endless chocolate bars to eat. I was very slim when I started but put on over a stone in a term. She also showed me how to make myself sick. Cue four years of bulimia, binging and laxative abuse. I haven’t properly binged or purged for many years now but the issues around food remain. I think about it constantly. I snack constantly especially when stressed. I’m not overweight but definitely heavier than I’m meant to be. I feel sluggish and unattractive. Any negative emotion I have, I run for the biscuit tin. Or get a Diet Coke. I don’t know what to do. It goes through phases and is now in a bad spot. I just want to be able to eat three meals a day and be able to accept being hungry.
I feel that my university experience, and food, have dominated my life and have taken a sheen off everything I’ve achieved since. I’ve suffered from serious anxiety and depression at times. I had therapy when I developed PND after my first child which helped.
Anyway I just need some advice - how can I learn to eat normally, and with self respect? Feeling desperate. Don’t want to get to 58 and still have this hanging over me.