How to avoid DS10 getting an ED (possible TW)

[Gingembre]

Hi everyone. I am looking for some advice.

Firstly I am going to be divorcing DH in 2022 but he will have contact and I can't change that.

DHs previous behaviour to me has resulted in me having an ED (diagnosed). Relating to binge eating when alone just to enjoy food. He's now doing this to DS10. I had a best friend in my teens who had a very severe ED and I'm very aware of the need to not pressure around food/weight.

DS very sporty so has a big appetite. He has a slow metabolism so as soon as sport is reduced (covid quarantine, sports cancelled etc) he eats the same and puts on a bit of weight. I'd rather he didn't but I say nothing. I just alter meals so he can fill up on crunchy carrots before the pasta comes, for example. Not every day, but some days.

DH starts moaning/whining at DS "Oh noooo, not a second helping/another slice/you had enough/that's too much". Separately I have told DH not to do this and why. In front of DS I've told him to leave him alone. DS also gets very irritated and sometimes just screams at him to stop and leave him alone. I do not intervene in this because I think it's good he's asserting himself against this behaviour (which shouldn't exist IMO) and the outward expression of his feelings may, I hope, help prevent/reduce emotional-angry eating later.

But I am very, very worried. I don't know what to do to counter DH's behaviour because I know I can neither stop it nor control it. I focus on healthy eating, I am happy to eat "treats" as well as a wide range of healthy foods. DS actually prefers savoury over sweet, but likes some sweet too. The range of food we eat isn't the issue. I would agree that DS eats too much for energy expenditure and that his portions could be smaller, but I don't want to make any issue at all about food. I don't make the kids finish their plate if they're full etc.

Any tips or advice really would be greatly appreciated. And I have to say that I'm sorry anybody is in need of this board in the first place. EDs are so awful I wish they didn't exist.

This is a difficult one, as your son is at risk of obesity as much as an ED
I get your dh is not making appropriate comments but also serving up/allowing your ten Yr old to over eat is not good either.
Can you and dh have a discussion away from son about how you tackle this. He is clearly concerned about your son's eating as much as you are concerned about an ED.
Agree about language used as Co parents, so "healthy choices for a strong body", instead of "not another helping"
And maybe review generally what or how much your son is eating

Thanks and yes I'm worried right now that he ends up overeating more than restricting. This would create further problems with DH because he's not got anything neutral to say about people who are overweight...

DD8 is just as sporty as DS. She eats a bit less but she has a fast metabolism too, so her weight doesn't change. She'll gobble up every sweet around (nearly finished all Christmas sweets) whereas DS will likely throw half of his away in a few weeks. DH does comment about the sugar intake, but not as much, basically because she's thinner.

When DS is doing sport his food intake is appropriate. He'll literally move the whole day and barely stop even to snack - think surfing, team sports. It's only when he has to stop them and is used to eating more so finds one portion not enough.

Talking to DH any more about this (I have, a lot) isn't going to have many more results. I did get him to stop using the word "fat". That took a lot of discussion. He just doesn't get it. He has autism and one of the areas he fixates on is food quantities, including other people's, and weight, also other people's. He usually doesn't say it to their face, but pre-covid would tell me that so and so is eating too much and "they'd better watch out" (or they'll put on weight). He has more then once bought a big box of chocolates for an extended-family Christmas and then rationed how many we can have (including his brother, sister, nieces/nephews and parents) as the box is passed around. He limits us to one. Occasionally two! He actually says as he offers the box, "You can only have one." or "One only."

So I need to deal with this basically without him + counter him. And once we're living apart there'll be nothing I can do to influence him.

Portion control is on my radar. I do find it difficult to limit (ie say no to a second serving when he says he's hungry - I know DS had sufficient- and there's lots more in the pan) when I'm trying not to make a big deal about food in any way. Maybe it'll be easier if I just cook exactly the amount required. Can't eat something if it's not there!

Anyway I'm reading and thinking so thank you.