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Original poster

My DS 12 is making himself sick in secret

32 replies

specialsauce · 09/12/2021 16:57

He's been doing this for a good while, possibly over a year but I've only caught on yo it 3/4times so far. He does it secretly and I usually find out because I hear him coughing or I see signs afterwards. He has only just turned 12. I thought it may be a phase, anxiety about starting secondary, but I noticed it again today and had a chat with him.

So here's how it went today: for breakfast he had a buttered muffin and a bowl of grapes. He ate well, said it was delicious, then went to clean his teeth to leave for school.

An hour later I discovered grape skins blocking the plughole in the bathroom.

After school he came in chirpy as usual. We had our usual hug, how's you day, then I asked him to come and sit with me for a chat. I asked him if he'd felt sick after breakfast. No. I told him I 'd noticed that he had been sick and asked him what had made him be sick. He said touched the back of his tongue when he brushed his teeth and it made him gag and because he didnt like the feeling of food in the back of his throat he did it more to make himself sick. I asked him if he did it because he was worried about things. He said yes (we discussed this a little but I wont go into his worries here). He said being sick made him feel better. He said he did it about once a week. I told him that I was always here to listen to his worries and talk them through. I explained that making your self sick can make you weak and tired and unhealthy. I told him I loved him and that there are much better ways to deal with worries than making yourself sick. Then he asked if he could go play on his xbox and I can hear him singing away upstairs as I've written this.

I really dont know how to deal with this to be honest. I'm a single mum and im really worried about him. What else can I do/say?

Did I say too much? Should I wait and see if it blows over? Is this a phase or the beginning of bulimia?

Any advice at all please

OP posts:
Tee20x · 09/12/2021 17:02

I've no experience in this area but just wanted to say well done for having that conversation with him and that you sound really caring. Now that you've opened up the topic perhaps he will come and speak to you about his worries? It sounds as if he reacted well though so I think it would be ok for you to check in and ask how he's doing every so often.

Hopefully someone with more experience will be along to offer advice!

Original poster
specialsauce · 09/12/2021 18:36

Thank you Tee. I just so worried about saying the wrong thing, bringing too much attention to it / not enough, missing something. It feels like a crucial time to nip it in the bud before it becomes an embedded behaviour but then again, perhaps it already has and I'm too late. Sad

OP posts:
Capricornqueen86 · 09/12/2021 18:46

Well done, sounds like you did a great job in starting the conversation. I work in children's mental health and I would say to try and create opportunities where you can talk to him, e.g. taking a walk in the park somewhere. The more you create the likelihood he will be able to speak to you about any worries. Maybe create a worry box or something in the house.

Original poster
specialsauce · 09/12/2021 23:19

Thank you @Capricornqueen86. I've started with your advice already...
He was doing some colouring in at bedtime so I dug out his notepad and reminded him to write down anything that was worrying him and put it in his Totoro pencil case and Totoro would take care of the worry so he could get a good nights sleep. I also went in the bathroom while he cleaned his teeth, he wanted me to stay as he was tempted to be sick. He said he only does it at home and revealed he actually does it once or twice a day. I'm trying to stay calm but this is really quite upsetting and overwhelming

OP posts:
sjxoxo · 09/12/2021 23:25

Oh op sorry to hear you are going through this- you sound very caring and I think you’re doing all the right things- keeping that line of communication open is so important for things like this and it seems he really trusts you and is prepared to share with you so that’s brilliant. Keep going as you are; I think staying with him
In the bathroom is essential, and getting him to write his worries and talk them over with you is also going to be a huge help to him. I was bulimic but for me it wasn’t at all in the same way as your son from your post- mine was about weight/body shape. As you talk to him more about this maybe try and see why precisely this is the solution for him- why this specific behaviour. In any case you sound like you are doing a wonderful job. My mum never ever spoke to me about it or took any action. x

justasking111 · 09/12/2021 23:32

Poor lad once or twice a day he is damaging his health and his teeth. You really need expert help with this. Talk to GP make an appointment for you both. Stay loving and calm

nimbuscloud · 09/12/2021 23:33

I think you should call your GP for advice.

Original poster
specialsauce · 09/12/2021 23:35

Thank you @sjxoxo. It's reassuring to hear I'm on the right track. I'm sorry to hear you've had your own struggles. He says he doesnt really know why he does it, he just says it makes him feel better. He's a small slim boy and eats well but not huge amounts by any means. He's healthy and active. He has had a lot of stresses to deal with and has always struggled with impulsive behaviour. Like you say, I'll just keep making sure he knows I'm there. I dont want to smother him though or overdo it. Thank you x

OP posts:
mancarose · 09/12/2021 23:38

I grew up with a sister with bulimia and this is how it started, BUT you have approached this way differently to my mum did, you have been perfect, you haven't made him feel worse you've been very understanding and I don't think you could've handled it better. If you notice that he still does it after this conversation then I would seek medical help but for now he may have just been too confused/overwhelmed with feelings and now knows to talk to you instead.

Original poster
specialsauce · 09/12/2021 23:40

I think I'll see if we can make any progress now that he's opening up about it then call the GP a few weeks down the line. I'm worried to do too much all at once in case it scares him and he clams about it or gets better at hiding it. I am hugely concerned though so I totally see the GP as the next step I need be

OP posts:
Popskipiekin · 09/12/2021 23:42

You are being an amazing parent for keeping channels of communication so open. You must be in shock and upset. I was bulimic from age 15 to early 20s. I think my parents were repulsed, it is a much misunderstood illness. There are loads of eating disorder charities which can offer you support, like BEAT. Just keep talking to your son, as you are, and asking how you can support him.

In the meantime, it’s a small thing, but do speak to his dentist about how to protect your son’s teeth. I did a number on mine and it’s so upsetting now, I wish I’d known the damage I was doing at the time.

FrownedUpon · 09/12/2021 23:53

This needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP & you need professional input. Please contact your GP & get him help.

Original poster
specialsauce · 09/12/2021 23:55

Thank you @Popskipiekin. I dont feel amazing at all, I feel like I must have let him down badly in some way for him to have got to this stage. I will talk to his dentist that's a good call and thank you for the links. I'm sorry you've been through a tough time with this and glad you're through the other side.

OP posts:
Original poster
specialsauce · 09/12/2021 23:56

I will make contact with the GP sooner rather than later. Thank you everyone urging me to do this

OP posts:
Janeandjohnny · 10/12/2021 00:00

I have no advice but wanted to say you sound like an amazing mum. Your responses have been brilliant and nobody could have done better. Best of luck in resolving this.

SingingSands · 10/12/2021 00:17

I just wanted to say that you've handled this perfectly. You've been calm, understanding and supportive. It might take a while to break the habit, but your DS is already responding positively - look at what you've achieved already by being so loving and gentle in your support. Well done, I hope things do get better.

JazzyBBG · 10/12/2021 00:19

No advice but my nephew is going through a similar thing, same age so I'm interested to see others advice. Good luck!

AmIgoinghomeforXmas · 10/12/2021 00:41

It sounds like you have handled a really distressing thing very well OP.
I would talk to your GP sooner rather than later, it sounds like it is a well established coping mechanism so it may be difficult to break.
CAMHS is horribly stretched so you may not get the services you need from them but it is worth an ask.

Are there any other SENs that could be contributing to the anxiety, or anything else spring to mind?

If CAMHS can't help can you consider private help?

This isn't about you or your parenting don't feel responsible for it.

Luredbyapomegranate · 10/12/2021 02:07

It's very worrying OP but sounds like you handled it well, however as PPs say - professional help, asap - you want to try and get a lid on it before it gets worse.

GP is first port of call, but also worth contacting BEAT about resources.

Popskipiekin · 10/12/2021 06:49

@specialsauce

Thank you *@Popskipiekin*. I dont feel amazing at all, I feel like I must have let him down badly in some way for him to have got to this stage. I will talk to his dentist that's a good call and thank you for the links. I'm sorry you've been through a tough time with this and glad you're through the other side.
This is absolutely nothing to do with your parenting and you are about as far from letting him down as you could be! Flowers Speak to the professionals, you need support for yourself too. Sending you lots of heartfelt good wishes, it must be such a frightening time for you but I really am amazed at how calmly you have behaved in front of your son, it is wonderful to read.
Popskipiekin · 17/12/2021 13:06

Feel like I killed this thread Blush
How are you and DS doing, OP? Have been thinking of you.

justasking111 · 17/12/2021 13:12

@specialsauce because my brother did this as a teenager I'm also thinking of you

specialmintapplecranberrysauce · 18/12/2021 15:29

No you didn't @Popskipiekin!! I've just had a crazy busy week - will update tonight when finished with DSS"s birthday. I've really really appreciated everybodies supportive words - you have all helped me deal with this immensely!

specialmintapplecranberrysauce · 18/12/2021 15:33

Whoops - should say it's still me - Christmas name change!

dabdab · 18/12/2021 15:52

As the others have said, you have handled it very well. It absolutely is not to do with your parenting, there is often a predisposition with eating disorders. It is a very secretive disease, so you must have a good relationship with your son that he feels he can talk to you about it.
As someone who has had very recent experience with a young person with an eating disorder, I would say definitely get professional help straight away. You can pursue the NHS route, but we got next to nothing from them, and it strung things out waiting - it wasted time. I would go straight to an experienced private therapist, even a few sessions to start. Look into family based therapy. Inspecting and resolving the mental side of it is key. It might sound a bit heavy and drastic, but the sooner it is caught and dealt with, the greater the chance of recovery.