Do I have an ED

[whattodo202000]

I am really not sure if I have an ED and am too embarrassed to speak to anyone in RL about this.

I got on the scales this morning and weighed 8.2 stone and my height is 5"7. I have this "thing" where I restrict what I eat for 6 days and am allowed a "binge" day (I don't make myself sick after so don't class as bulimic). Yesterday was my binge day and all I can describe it as is a feeding frenzy. I will plan all week what I am going to eat on my binge day and plough through everything and wake up the next day (like today) feeling so sick.

I have done this on and off for years and notice I tend to follow this pattern when I am going through a stressful time. My stress at the moment is going through a divorce, caring for my DD while holding down my job.

An average "restrictive" day involves black coffee, tea, one meal on an evening but no carbs or fats just salad with meat or veg and fish. On my "binge" day I have no idea how many calories I get through but can easily eat a tub of B&J ice cream, a pizza, cereal, donughts, cakes, cheese, etc.

I have also noticed that I "have" to exercise everyday or else I worry something bad will happen to me. No matter what the weather or how I feel I "have" to go for a walk or go to my local gym at lunch. I don't eat lunch at work so I can exercise instead.

I think about food all the time, look at recipes, watch TV shows, etc. I just don't know if there is something wrong or not since my weight seems stable, I am not anorexic and I am not bulimic.

Yes you do have an ED.
Are you ready to accept this and do you want to change things?

You absolutely do have an ED. This is far from a healthy relationship with food, I speak as someone with a mild ED and I recognise elements of your behaviour in myself.

You should definitely get some help xx

I do want to change, but have no idea where to start. I am sick of this obsession. I also dread eating out especially if I cannot see what the calories are in the food on a nutritional menu. If this is to happen, I make sure I plan that day as a "binge" day and restrict my eating around that day to make up for eating out.

It is a terrible cycle and I seem to creep out of it and back into it if it makes sense. Being pregnant snapped me out of the cycle I was in last time but since having DD and my marriage breakdown I have crept back into it.

Following this thread as really resonate with a lot of what you said OP. Apologies for no advice.

I absolutely dread and panic if we eat out and I don't know the calories on the menu! Makes me go into crazy restrict mode afterwards.

I know it's not normal but can't seem to help it? I'm also technically a healthy BMI of 18 which makes me think it's not an ED, but looking forward to seeing the replies on this thread.

Definitely disordered eating. Your bmi must be pretty low. It will have an adverse effect on your health unless you can change your eating habits and mindset.

@India92 I am finding my upcoming Christmas work meal very stressful. No calories of anything on the menu. I am also already worrying about Christmas because I can use Christmas Day as my "binge day" but am supposed to be eating at another family members house on boxing day and can't have 2 "binge days" in a row.

I feel so much better just posting here and getting it off my chest.

I know I need to change I just don't know how if that makes sense. I either have to eat everything or eat virtually nothing, I can't seem to get my head round just being "normal" for a day. Sounds so silly when I used to be "normal" not so long ago.

Binge eating is often rooted in psychology. You're trying to fill some sort of void and you're not happy in certain areas of your life. Happy people don't tend to have such unhealthy attitudes to food..

Think about what it is that makes you unhappy and what you're seeking the comfort from. Try and treat yourself in ways different than eating. Try and do things for yourself that make you happy, apart from eating and obsessively exercising.

I heard great things about "Brain Over Binge" by Kathryn Hansen - it helped lots of people and it really helps you tackle the deep-seated psychological issues.

Hope you can get to the bottom of this and get better xx

Just because your eating doesn't seem to fit neatly into either anorexia or bulimia doesn't mean that it's not an ED. There are lots of variations, and you deserve all the help you can get.

I'm also technically a healthy BMI of 18 which makes me think it's not an ED

People with eating disorders can absolutely be a healthy weight and BMI. EDs are also more than anorexia and bulimia.

It's not normal or healthy to binge and purge and to be so stressed out about how many calories are in food. It's good that even you and the op both recognise there is an issue here. This means you can work on it. First step would be see your GP and explain as they will refer you to someone's who specialises in eds.

I do want to change, but have no idea where to start.

That's easy -- well it's not, but it is.

Talk about it. Tell people. Anonymously here and in confidence in real life. Find support groups online to talk about it. Any group of anorexics or bulemics will recognise you as in their tribe (you are in both). Make an effort every day to say something to someone in some way about your problem. 3 words or whole paragraphs. Whichever comes out of you. Minimum Once a day.

What happens next will happen in the space that you created by letting yourself acknowledge to others that the problem is there.

Thank you, after posting here I feel so much better. It has been this secret that I have had bottled up. I feel that I have so many food "rules" to live by, it is tiring. Even small things like when I meet up with friends for a coffee and being asked what I want to order - it would be nice to actually order something I really want to drink instead of a black coffee with no sugar and no milk on its own. That is why I have my "binge" day, it is a day where there are no rules and I can have whatever I want. It becomes a frenzy though because I know its my last day of freedom until 6 days later!

I have started by writing down all of my rules, there are so many. I am thinking if I keep posting and start trying to bend/break a rule a week and see how I get on. I don't feel ready to talk to people in real life.