Eating disorders and being a parent

[mrsdiddlydoo]

I'm not exactly sure what I'm looking for, but I haven't been able to find anything helpful online.

I've two children (5 and 8) and I'm finding meal times and food generally with the kids incredibly stressful. One eats well. One is very picky. Mealtimes feel constant and relentless. Asking for snacks never seems to end.

I developed anorexia as a young teen and whilst I thought I had recovered I'm realising that all I really did was gain weight. I've realised (can't believe it's taken over 20 years) that my relationship with food is very much disordered and whilst my weight is stable, I've never let myself become anything more than slim and I have a lot of rules about food.

Feel like a bit of a wally really. Deep down I've known I'm not like other people, I just fake it basically. But having children has really brought things to the surface for me. I've had to seek help from my gp for anxiety and depression a couple of times over the last few years which I've just blamed burn out and stuff for. It's difficult to admit but I think my children somehow trigger feelings inside me which I have never resolved. Then my... I don't know... Disordered relationship with food gets worse. I couldn't bring myself to buy a reduced big delicious looking chocolate cake in m&s yesterday because of the red labels on the front and the worry that it might harm the kids or make me fat yesterday. That's not right is it.

Covid and lockdown and changes have resulted in me becoming more isolated. I just don't seem to be able to find a way out.

Can anyone recommend any resources they have come across that might help me navigate parenthood as someone who has a poor relationship with food? Or does anyone feel similar or can tell me what I could do or whether it will ever get better than this?

I'm feeling lost. Unheard by my husband when I try to ask for help. I did open up to my gp about how difficult I've finding things when I last spoke to him. He always suggests counselling which I have tried, but I haven't found the right counsellor or support service yet. I've had CBT before which did help me put things in perspective but my ED wasn't discussed. I've read a bit about CBT-E. I don't know if that might be helpful? There's just so many different types of therapy out there I don't what I'm looking for and lack self worth so get in a state trying to sort it out.

I am proud of myself for getting this far and recognising this needs to stop.

Omg so sorry for the long post!

I have no advice but as a parent of a child currently an inpatient unit struggling with anorexia. I didnt want to read and run and commend you for reaching out when struggling. I hope someone can help you. Much love

@mrsdiddlydoo
Sorry to hear you feel like this.
I'm in a similar boat. I have anorexia and two slightly older children than you.

I'm finally having treatment. I've been like this for so many years I don't know what else there is.

I spoke to my GP who has been amazing.
NHS ED service was useless.
I am now finally having private treatment. Only just started.

It's hard.
I just wanted you to know you're absolutely not alone. And you're not alone in keeping it secret and you're not alone in finding family meal times incredibly stressful. I do too.

Hugs for you. And come and join us on the adult eating disorder support thread.
You'll be able to read all my ranting and raving.

Well done for recognising it and seeking help ❤️ CBT for body dysmorphia/unhealthy relationship with food alongside medication (which I am now off) did wonders for me. I am not sure it would have worked as well without the medication, it calmed things down enough for me to be able to make progress in CBT. I still get feelings of guilt and shame sometimes, but I am able to push them aside fairly easily now and although I am not the “super slim fit girl” I used to be (and I still “mourn” that body sometimes) my life is better for it. My CBT therapist said that the brain is like a forest, and your thought patterns are like paths. You go down the one you always have because it’s well-trodden, but CBT teaches you to fight to cut a new path and the more you practice the better the path becomes until eventually the old one grows over and you don’t travel down it at all. I found that helpful and three years down the line I also think it’s true. Good luck xxx

Thanks for your replies. It's such a lonely place to be. @thesootherfairy I'll come on over to the thread later today. I feel a bit like a fraud although I know I'm not. People who know me might think I'm a bit skinny, but wouldn't believe this is a part of me that has been with me since I was very young. Haha my ED is basically older than the Internet as we know it.

@WorryMcGee I like the analogy of the brain being like a forest. That is a good one. I need to get some help to help me get out of this hole.

It's like I haven't actually lived yet. I just exist. All. The. Time. And seeing the kids growing up and changing... I feel like such a fake person. I do what I'm supposed to do but there is no joy.

@Bigassbeebuzzbuzz thank you and you know what... The fact you are on here with your child's best interests at heart to help them as much as you can is simply brilliant. I just wish my parents could have found other parents to support them when this started for me. We would be a different family.

@mrsdiddlydoo
Exactly how I feel. My ED not only predates internet. It predates mobiles, pc, apple computers. Everything really.

And I too feel like I've not lived and that I'm not a real person.

You said it very well. Better than I could have.

@thesootherfairy I'm not known for being good with words. Clearly I was having some kind of epiphany earlier on.

@mrsdiddlydoo

It sounds twee

But what helped me, a little, is thinking…. I don’t want this life for my daughter. That’s my mantra “better for my daughter. Better for my daughter. Better for my daughter”

It helped. Sometimes

Hi @mrsdiddlydoo and @thesootherfairy - have you looked at Orri? They are a private clinic, however they have lots of free resources for sufferers. I suggest following them on instagram and facebook - they host regular webinars. You can watch recordings here vimeo.com/orriuk

Hope this helps.

@Havehope21 I'll check out orri Thank you x

Hey guys.@WorryMcGee @mrsdiddlydooI @Bigassbeebuzzbuzzto @Reallyimeanreally2022net. @thesootherfairy @Havehope21 I’m new to this mums net thing and I am not a good sleeper that is why I am replying so late. I have just read all your comments and it brakes my heart. I’m in recovery from anorexia and have two children, 2 and 5. I feel being a parent with an eating disorder a very taboo subject and i thought just having an eating disorder was isolating, put children in the mix, desolation springs to mind. When I was discharged from hospital last year it was bugging me as I feel parents with eating disorders don’t get enough support. Don’t get me wrong the services I was with were brilliant and I had a lot of family support etc but when u r in the thick of it and going through it, all the support in the world, it doesn’t count. Without sugar coating it I nearly lost my 2 children to my Ed so I wanted to do something about this so i
have created Connect to parents Connect to your children, Support for parents with ED. At the moment I’m just doing Instagram lives with the service I was with called Connect where once a month we talk about any parent with Ed and what it’s like being a parent with Ed and talk about themes. I also blog on it once a week and on my Instagram account which is called EnoughofEd. EnoughofEd I blog about my recovery and being a parent. The themes we have covered in our lives chat so far are how to talk to children about body positivity and ‘healthy eating’ and guilt. Again I still struggle with this and don’t know the answers, I just know my story and how I felt. I also in the process of setting up my own website for a safe place for parents where I will blog, etc. Again as I said I am not an expert, Im not a child phycologist or a nurse or anything like that, I am just a mother with a story who want to help other parents and know how hard it can be. Xxx