Want to stop making myself sick but keep failing

[Chickencuddle]

Hi. So a bit of background. Sorry if this is rushed..i don't have much time so just straight to the points.
I was abused as a child. Mum and dad both extremely critical of weight and looks and used to make me run round the block. Do sit ups etc. Could make harsh comments and compare myself and my brothers stomachs to see who was "better" I was always the worst. Could never live up to their expectations. Shamed often. Etc.
Was also sexually and physically abused.
All of this I think contributed to an eating disorder. I became anorexic and got to a very low weight before going into foster care and I continued losing weight but was then forced by social services. Doctor and health team etc to gain weight. I wasn't really cured as I kept losing it when I felt safe to and gaining when people started to notice. Stayed a normalise weight until 20 and then lost alot of weight. Got obsessed again. Went down to 6 stone 12. At 5 ft 6.was restricting and exercising and also made myself sick a few times.
Kind of recovered myself and got pregnant age 23. I vowed to get healthy for my baby and never go to this place again. I did for a long time but recently my mum died. I haven't had contact with her in around 16 years but it brought a ton of emotions and I started reliving memories I would rather not and brought back things I thought I'd dealt with. It's been a year and over this time I've gained about 2 stone. I've been overeating at times. Then I've been restricting and often making myself sick. I've stabalised in weight now and not overeating anymore but I do often make myself sick after a big meal or if I treat myself. I'm not losing lots of weight. But I'm making myself sick maybe average of 5 times a week. Sometimes less sometimes more. Sometimes I go a week with nothing then vomit 10 times in 1 day.
I don't want to do this but I keep telling myself that this is the last time but it never is. I feel like I need it to cope. I feel horrible that I'm doing this when I have kids.
They know nothing about it but still.
I want to stop I've spoken to beat but they just advise speaking to a doctor.
I an worried about that as if I were to get a divorce I feel my husband would use it against me for access to kids. Etc
Sorry this is rushed please someone give me some advice.

That must be so tough. I am in no way an expert but didn’t want to leave you unanswered (likely I will bump the post for you if nothing else). Have you had any counselling/therapy for your childhood issues? What’s your current relationship like?

I was a binge eater (purge was strict dieting and exercise at times). Two things have helped me stop. One is Brain over binge by Kathryn Hansen, an excellent book written by a recovered bulimic who did her own research into how to stop. She’s also done a really good podcast which is about 10-15 minutes long, nice bitesize pieces. I also joined Rebelfit…the focus of Rebelfit is “turning obese people into athletes”. It’s taken a long time to turn my dieting head around (30 years of dieting!) but working through the information sent, watching videos, I’ve increased my activity (without going crazy which I used to) and changed how I eat. By that I mean, I used to eat loads of carbs, nowhere near enough protein or fruit and veg. Then I’d get sugar cravings and binge. I’ve been “Rebelfitting” for two years. In the last few months, my cravings have subsided, I’ve found a form of exercise I love (weightlifting!) and although I’m still obese I know I am shrinking - although I don’t weigh myself. But I’m not bingeing. I’m not dieting. I’m not hating myself when I look in the mirror. This is huge progress for me. I think it’s worth you looking into these, they might help, but do also access counselling for your trauma. I hope you find the answers you need.

Thanks so much for your response. I had counselling a little as a child. I don't know of it was very effective I didn't speak about most things as I knew it would be passed on to social services and Foster carers. I was so embarrassed about alot of it and also knew I would get into trouble for behaviour like self harm or things associated withr eating disorder so just made out I was OK.

And Thank you I will look into that

I understand that…now as an adult you’d be in a position where your confidentiality would be maintained, maybe you can have some counselling to look at things as an adult?
Your GP could advise on your local service. Best thing I found locally was a counselling training service. These are trained counsellors who have completed their qualifications but have to do 100 hours of free counselling before they can set up a private practice. It was great for me because there was no time limit. I had 10 sessions which was enough, then my counsellor had done enough hours so it was a good time to wrap up. Worth looking into.

I'm worried about bringing things to GPS attention. I don't want it going on my record and it going against me with regards to who has primary access to the kids should 8 ever need to go through divorce

OP having an eating disorder wouldn’t go against you at all if you did divorce. Your eating disorder doesn’t affect your parenting of your kids but is something you should get help for for you. I wonder if the eating disorder is a way to try and feel a sense of control in your life in some way. I can see in your other threads that your husband continues to be abusive which is understandably going to impact your mental health. You deserve better than this and youneed to protect the children from him.

I think you should really talk to a GP and counsellors. You have a lot going on and need help with this.

I an worried about that as if I were to get a divorce I feel my husband would use it against me for access to kids

This is not the case at all. What is important is that you recognise you are not well and are addressing the issue.

My divorce was over when I was under the care of the ED team, but I did have to go back to Court for child contact. I too was concerned that me seeing a psychiatrist and being under MH care would be mentioned and my ex would use it as a weapon against me.
It's natural to feel that way I think, when you're in a vulnerable position and you've opened up to professionals.

They stressed that if ex did find out and try and use it against me, the fact that I was engaging with the help and that my child was not in any risk as a result of my MH would go FOR me and make him look like a pathetic fool

In the end he didn't need any ammo from me to look like a fool, he did a darn good job of it all by himself.

I'm a chronic bulimic, 20 yrs of recovery and relapse. I'm currently trying to escape a long relapse after leaving an abusive relationship.

Long story!

I want you to know you're not alone, I'm looking for accountability and support in moving forward. Would love to support others in the same boat. Xx