I have massive issues around food and I need advice

[GoldRhino]

Need to vent and share.

As a teenager while living in my abusive home I gave up eating and went down to 6 stone. While hospitalised with a panic attack I was kept in as they noticed my low weight and I was in for two weeks while they got me to gain some weight.

In my mid twenties I lost a stone while avoiding cheese and pasta (my fave!) and my mum was very congratulatory and it felt nice to be wearing little denim shorts etc.
However as soon as I reverted to eating the foods I really like I went up in weight again.
While on antipsychotics in my late 20s I gained weight up to size 16 and not only did I feel gross but my mum seemed to feel sorry for me and helped me lose the weight by following her diet plan which was basically teeny tiny little portions of food while left me feeling light headed.
I felt great but became obsessed with my weight and have berated myself ever since for not being able to stick to that. My mum was telli people that I’d ‘got my legs back’ and suchlike which was embarrassing as I didn’t want my weight talked about with other people.
My sister is also an ex-anorexic as is my mother and they would always much comments about people’s weight.
They are not in my life anymore but I’m so messed up about food.
I’m terrified to eat the foods I really like and crave.
So I do eat them but I’m 10 stone 4 at 5 foot 5. If I don’t eat the foods I like then I feel deprived and pissed off. If I do then I feel guilty, despite also eating lots of healthy veg and fruit.
I feel so fat and hideous and distressed.

I can't help with your post, but please don't refer to people who have overcome/beaten anorexia as ex-anorexics.
It's a life threatening mental illness, not something you suddenly decide not to be.

If you can come to terms with the difficult childhood, the food obsession will mostly fix itself. Address root cause.

Reality Oh yes, kick the OP while she's down why don't you?

@RealityCheck24601 where did I say it’s something you decide not to be?!

I was also anorexic myself as a teenager.

@RealityCheck24601

I can't help with your post, but please don't refer to people who have overcome/beaten anorexia as ex-anorexics. It's a life threatening mental illness, not something you suddenly decide not to be.

How does that help????

OP, I would seek therapy to be honest. Can you afford to go private?

Not at the moment @Iggly

I have anorexia, I nearly died from it last year. It touches a nerve when people describe someone as being anorexic rather than having anorexia.

You wouldn't describe someone with cancer as cancerous.

I think you need to seek help with your food issues before they get out of control again. Maybe get your GP to refer you to eating disorder services for CBT-E.

I apologise if my message was insensitive.

But you would describe someone with diabetes as diabetic...

I struggled massively with eating disorders in my teens and 20s - only time it recurs now is when I have a sickness bug, I find it really difficult to make myself eat again.

Thing is I cannot diet or restrict my food intake at all.

I know a few friends who have are doing
really well after working with a dietician to revise their relationship with food - eating disorders give you such a false understanding of what’s “good” and “bad”, it takes time to overcome this. Obviously for those with very severe issues this is not sufficient, but it sounds like this may help you at this point? It’s so hard when you come from a home with a problematic relationship to food.