Teen Eating Disorders support thread 3

[Girliefriendlikespuppies]

Thought I better get a new thread going!

Please come and join us if your teen is struggling with an Eating Disorder. We are a kind, supportive bunch of parents looking to support each other through the dark days of caring for a teen with an ED.

@Valleyofthedollymix ahhh man, you’re really going through it right now. I’m sorry I can’t remember if your DD has ever had a hospital admission but given that she’s back below 80% could you possibly take her to A&E? Or at least threaten her with it? How much do you think she is eating in a day?

And funnily enough it was the yogurt that my DD dug her heels in over with her lunch every day. I meet her outside school and we drive to a park for lunch. If she doesn’t eat everything then I don’t drive her back to school and instead we go home. She eats everything now without question as being in school is more important to her then not eating the damned yogurt.

You guys... so helpful this advice, I can't tell you.

She's never had a hospital admission - she was 75% at her worst but all her stats were pretty good and she never stopped eating entirely. She's eating probably around 1500-2000 a day so not really worthy of an A&E admission but just not enough to gain/maintain.

When I said we'd go home if she didn't have the yoghurt, she said 'fine, let's go home'. I think she's at a state where if there's an option that allows her not to eat, she'll always take it even if it's the less preferred in all other ways. It was also tricky because I'd biked there.

However, I think she was calling my bluff and I should have followed through with this. School absolutely doesn't matter - she's pretty academic and they've had very good online stuff so she's in a strong position. Plus who cares anyway?

Going to get her being off approved by the therapist just so we can blame her. And I've cleared the decks for Friday onwards. Oh lord.

@Valleyofthedollymix so sorry this is so tough for you at the moment. You are right you cannot give an inch. It is so hard. I remember at our worst threatening all sorts to get DD in from pacing in the garden to eat 40g of nuts and an apple.
Even now we occasionally have a refusal and I have to find that energy all over again.
At 80% she is still completely under ANs thumb. She doesn’t want to not eat. She is being made not to eat by this illness.
I am afraid she prob does need to come out of school so you can fully concentrate on getting food in. No negotiation. Which is so tough I know. What leverage do you have?
And also just saying over and over again ‘I know this is hard, but you have to eat, and I am not going to let up until you do’ helped us....

So sorry to hear this valley.
I feel like the battles are over such insignificant things. The thought of having to repeat a year is enough to get dd eating without question - at the moment anyway.

It sounds like the right decision Valley and will show DD that you mean business.

I’ve come to realise that you just can’t get your hopes up with this illness. DD had 2 good days Monday & Tuesday where she seemed accepting and to just get on with eating. We had no tears during any of her mealtimes and she wasn’t late back from her lunch both days so was getting faster at eating. Today she came home in floods if tears as she heard from one of her friends that another friend is not eating her lunch and throwing it away. Now DD feels jealous of this friend because she is able to restrict and I’m “making her fat”. At least DD was sensible and told the friend that she couldn’t be involved with helping the other friend as too triggering for her. And I’m thanking the heavens that she isn’t sat with them at lunchtime as we would be right back at the beginning. Honestly, there is so much toxic competitiveness amongst our teenage DD’s and they all trigger each other!!

@Valleyofthedollymix you're doing the right thing.

DD1 isn't feeling well today. Sore throat, not much voice, etc. She's had 1500 calories but I've given her a pass for tonight. She's gone to bed. I'm trying to remind myself that if I was unwell I wouldn't eat much.

valley - you're really having such a tough time I'd echo others - take her out of school. We did, it was the best decision. Under lockdown it did mean we were intensely together which had its downsides but honestly, wouldn't change my decision at all.

lougle - could it be Covid - I know the delta variant is presenting slightly differently and have heard sore throat, runny nose etc as a hayfever sufferer I suspect I'll be taking many tests

We've had a slightly better day, dd made some effort with the porridge after ystds meltdown (mine) I'm just hoping she's not chucking her lunch to compensate 😕

They said she also did well with dinner, I'm not a great cook tbh but I attempted salmon fish cakes tonight. They turned out surprisingly well and I'd put tons of butter in them and fried them in oil! Dd ate two and even said they were 'nice'

DD having school lunch today for the first time…. She seems fine…I am a nervous wreck. But we have discussed her choices and the head of year is keeping a discrete eye…so we will see…
She wants me to loosen the reins v quickly. I am more cautious. Which pisses her off. But I have heard lots of stories about relaxing too early….

HI All I'm just wondering what supervision is offered at your various schools for any child on 'food watch' but that ED related or overeaters or any other reason? Getting ready for September (I hope she's a lot better and at school by then!)

@myrtleWilson I don't think so...lateral flows are negative, although not totally reliable, I know!

@sm701 DD1's teacher has offered to supervise eating, but we're not yet ready for it.

I weighed DD1 today and she's maintained this week. I shouldn't be surprised because she's had a few not so good days, but it just shows what a knife-edge the calorie count is. It only takes a few dropped snacks/bad meals to stop weight gain.

Our school will organise for DD to sit with a teacher in a quiet room at lunch but it has to be with some notice. The morning snack is more complicated as break time is chaotic but we could insist that she FaceTime us from a quiet room (but haven't, rightly or wrongly).

We told her last night that it was likely the therapist would say she should be off school and she was devastated. She needs to be pushed into a choice between not-eating and school as it's been too easy for her to carry on as normal, especially since she still hasn't told her friends. This is another thing I'm bringing up with the therapist - she feels they won't believe her when in fact I've spoken to a parent who says that they know something is up.

@Valleyofthedollymix thats the right move.

My DD also thought that her friends wouldn't believe her and will think she's attention-seeking or such. It's just another ED trick to keep them hooked in the cycle and not getting proper support.

Camhs told her that it's best that her friends are allowed to know so they can support her and if they are real friends they will believe her. Importantly, it was also advised that I control the details that were given out so I asked her teacher to tell her friends and provided a script of what to say, this way there were no 'fake news' stories going around as it was all given out by one source to the group. Also no opportunity for someone to 'not believe' as it came from a person with authority.

In a way it is good your DD is devastated with not going to school, it means you now have something to use as a carrot to get her eating at home with you..... it won't be easy though

@SoTiredNeedHoliday that's very useful advice, thank you. Can I ask you what sort of things the 'script' included? The head of year has already offered to facilitate a group meeting but it might be better to be done in her absence.

Absolutely, she thinks her friends will think she's being a drama queen and hypochondriac.

We've been lucky the deputy at school supervises dd for Snack and lunch since she's been back. Dd is told she has to come home if doesn't eat lunch.

We have a new problem!!! It's in the 'good problems to have' compared to where we were for four months, but dd can't stop eating!!! Her hunger has been turned back on. But it's brought with it severe distress. Dd even tried to make herself sick which horrified me as a new thing to worry about. She feels like she's bingeing when simply having normal amount of food. Very much at the early stages of recovery and I'm glad DD is listening to her hunger... but it's all consuming and it's all are can think about. All we can do is distract her, but she should be revising for exams and that's upsetting her too. Poor thing. Feel helpless when she's in a state.

Just really hope she's gaining as I'm worried she's got hyper metabolism now... no check up for two more weeks.

@Valleyofthedollymix this is what we said:

DD is happy to tell her friends that she has had mental health issues which has meant that she has had to stop exercise and sport, instead she has had to focus on eating and other things that help her wellbeing and general health.
So DD will be off school for a while and when she returns she will be off games for a little while and she'll probably have to eat with a teacher for a little while too, maybe some of you will join her for her meals to help support her.

So you didn't use the terms eating disorder or anorexia? Nor extend any further advise (there seems to be some unhelpful chat around not eating breakfast, feeling full, dieting etc)?

Sotired DD’s school provide an office that she can go to at morning break so she can FaceTime me while she has her snack. Lunchtime is a different matter and they say they don’t have the staff to supervise her or a space where I can come in and sit with her. So she comes out to me in the car and we drive to a park literally one minute away and sit and have lunch. It’s a push as they only have 40 mins for lunch and they quite often get let out of lessons late so most of the time she only has 30 mins. This means that she is sometimes late getting to her lesson after lunch. Teachers have been informed that there are to be no sanctions.

The hardest part is that she doesn’t get to spend time with her friends at all during the day and she feels like she’s drifting from them as a result of this.

Valley DD has told her immediate circle of friends but she was also worried that they would think she was being melodramatic and they would think she didn’t look ill enough to be anorexic. But in fact one of her friends said that she knew something was up but wasn’t sure what. Another days that she had observed DD throwing her lunch away and giving it to someone else another time. So although they weren’t strictly aware they weren’t surprised when she told them. DD was really scared to tell them but I think she felt a huge sense of relief once she had. It also makes it all the more real once people outside of their household know and it suddenly gets serious. I think your DD should tell her friends. It’s one step closer to acknowledging the ED and I think she needs to do that.

Also we came up with another story for DD to tell other people that asked why she was off school for a bit and also for people that notice she is coming back to lessons late sometimes. She didn’t want it getting round the whole year that she has an Eating disorder so she says that she was having problems with her heart rate being very low and as a result she has to be monitored regularly throughout the day and has had to reduce her activity levels.

@Valleyofthedollymix no my DD didn't want to use the terms as she thinks she isn't AN or has a ED but shes happy to say mental health issue. Everyone knows exactly what it is after hearing the message and seeing DD.

We didn't go into the unhelpful comments about what others are eating or not eating as that is difficult, the school can't control other kids eating patterns as tricky as that is. As DD won't be at school right now its not an issue. If I knew the parents of the girls that have poor attitudes towards food I'd approach them myself and have a word but I don't.

What I did say to the school is that when DD is at school anyone who eats with her and the teacher (our school offers similar to your) needs to eat their meal. Without my DD knowing I banned certain girls from being able to eat with her, anyone that DD has mentioned as not eating properly.

I think everyone understands these days that mental health issues are widely in the community and the stigma is not there like it was.

Your DD might be happy to label herself though with AN or ED, they are still mental health issues.

@Valleyofthedollymix it will probably be great for your DD to be away from friends that have triggering attitudes towards food. She can see them outside of school and away from meal and snack times she'll be so much better for it.
Being in the company of someone with triggering attitudes to food makes eating 100 times harder for my DD. The feeling of guilt and greed is unbearable she says.

My dds school haven't been the best tbh but they did offer her a quiet room to sit in for lunch where a teacher could offer some light supervision. In the end I reached an agreement with dd that she could stay with her friends as long as she didn't lose any weight. This worked for us as dd was desperate to avoid being separated at lunchtime and so far she's not lost weight.

My dd told her friends that she had an ED, I'm not sure how much they really understand though. Two of her close friends also have eating related issues which has been massively triggering for dd.

I agree that your dds friends should be told valley anorexia thrives in secrecy and the more light that can be shone on it the better imo. It might make your dd realise that this is real and serious. I think taking her out of school is absolutely the right thing to do, it gives you a few months to hopefully get her back on track before the new school year.

Girlfriend it’s exactly the same for my DD. Two of her friends also have issues around eating. In fact DD was confiding in me about one of the friends issues a few months before we discovered DD’s own ED. In hindsight I think she was telling me to deflect and draw attention away from herself. This is the girl who she found out a few days ago is throwing her food away. It’s really impacted on her as I was starting to think the eating was getting a teeny bit more bearable for her. Now we are back to her crying in to her food and covering her legs while she eats as she can’t bear to look at them.

It’s utterly shocking but DD was telling me the other day just how much eating disorders are glamourised on social media. TikTok is full of pretty, skinny alt-girls dresses head to toe in Urban Outfitters pouting in to the camera about how they’ve been to the gym and skipped breakfast and lunch every day this week and musing upon whether they have an eating disorder. It is so toxic!! 😡

@Rollergirl11 totally toxic and tikTok is the worst of them I believe. The algorithm will flood her stream with pro anna content if she's even looked at one for 10 seconds......