I feel super ashamed even posting this here. But my brain and body are exhausted and I just need to get it out. Might be triggery to someone else suffering so please don't feel obliged to read on if thats the case.
Have a long history of complex MH problems, lots and lots of hospital admissions. Occasionally disordered eating was part of my struggle. BMI fluctuated and was sometimes underweight. Ed services advised my clinicians in psychosis team bit I never had specialist treatment for eating distress etc.
Have been more settled in recent years. Managing to work, look after my beautiful 4 kids and have a loving relationship.
However I have really struggled with lock down. The self loathing has crept in and feel quite stressed and isolated. Missing my usual coping strategies. And in last few months have started to obsess on calories and exercise.
My target for each week has increased and now can sometimes take a lot of the day to complete. My body is very sore and I feel like I am torturing myself. But I cant stop. The voices telling me I am too fat and disgusting and worthless are so loud if I dont complete my targets.
I am not convinced mh services can offer me anything after literally 2 decades of their interventions. Does anyone know any good books or resources that might help me. Its starting to make me feel quite suicidal cos its so consuming.