Secret bulimia

[Definitelynotem]

This is my first post (although long time lurker) but I just feel like I need a hand hold. I have been bulimic for about 4 years now, and nobody knows. About 1 year in I admitted it to DP and even went for inpatient treatment, but never received any actual help and no one has any idea it's carried on. I purge every day, usually just my dinner but also snacks/takeaways and would do it more if I was alone. You wouldn't know to look at me, I'm over 12 stone and I'm just so disgusted with myself. Luckily my teeth have been fine so far, but I am going to the dentist for the first time in a year on Wednesday and terrified. I haven't purged today even though I feel so bad and I'm determined not to and to draw a line under this, but I don't know if I can, I'm terrified of gaining weight. Does anyone have any recovery stories they can share? Or any scare stories? I need the courage to stop this 😥

Hi there,
I don't know if I can be of much help. I wish i had a recovery story to share with you, but i haven't yet recovered. I can relate though and try to hold your hand. The secrecy of bulimia is so painfully lonely and soul destroying. And it's so exhaustingly draining, physically and emotionally. They say your chances of recovery are greater the earlier you manage to deal with it. 4 years is not an awful long time, which is very hopeful. I feel like it's become far too much of a way of life for me and i'm sorry to say I've lost a lot of my fight. Please don't leave it too late like me.
There are different kinds of help out there. If the inpatient treatment didn't help you, maybe you could try something else. Try not to be alone to much. Keep yourself safe by reducing your opportunities to binge/ purge.
I can offer you a teeth related scare story. Last year, i lost all 4 of my top front teeth. It took many years, but there's only so long your teeth can stand up to the abuse.
I know how hard it is to talk about this and i think you're very brave. I wish i had the answers for you. And for me too!
Take care and try to keep talking, even if it's just on here for now. You're not alone.

I was a secret bullemic for a few years, then told my best friend who got very angry about it, so brushed it off like it was a one off and left it at that. After around six years my parents were worried about me and I admitted it to them, again it wasn't handled very well, and my mum's idea of helping was to bring me buttered toast and get upset asking me if I wanted to die, not the greatest reaction. I tried CBT, but everytime I felt they might get close to "curing" me I would put up a wall and cancel the sessions, as I was scared to put on weight. When I met my husband I spoke to him about it, he didn't understand, but he did react well, I then began to feel comfortable about vocalising my anxiety around food and need for control. I started going to the gym and steered away from food tha had calories counted on it, limited myself to the gym three times a week as it's so easy to find a new way to feed the ED. Signed up for a charity challenge for focus and that helped me. For our wedding I managed to not purge in the lead up, and have gone from strength to strength, I struggled after having my DD, and decided to start doing couch 2 5k. For me, running has made a huge difference to my mental health, just getting outdoors and offloading any stress into a run. I don't think I'll ever be fully recovered. The pandemic has made it hard, and so many friends have started up Instagram pages where they focus on weight loss, exercising every day and calories, I find social media can be really triggering. I'm now quite open about the struggles, my friends are better with it now, and I don't feel like I have to hide it away, it's taken time though.

Be kind to yourself, it's a tough road to be on xx