Miserable but can’t see it getting better

[RustyLionheart]

I am currently eating around 600 calories a day. My BMI is within the healthy range but I feel very overweight. I’m losing weight (3.5 stone since June when this all began) and I just don’t know when it’ll be enough. I am hungry all the time but I feel like if I eat any more I will gain weight. I’m worried it’s starting to affect my body, I’ve been having palpitations and I fainted today but I’m just so afraid to gain weight I don’t see myself changing. In a twisted way I feel like this is the only thing I’m good at.

I’m not looking for answers, I just needed to say how unhappy I am because my family have no idea. I haven’t seen any of them for months.

I guess that means you live alone.
Every moment is a fresh start, OP. A chance to take some decisions that put you on a different path.

I live with my husband. He had asked me to consider my health today after I fainted, which I suppose is what has triggered this post but ultimately will not intervene as he knows it’s my choice. I do want to eat nice things but I know the anger, self hatred, shame and weight gain are just not worth it.

If I go to the GP I feel they’ll take one look at me and send me away. I don’t look skinny and I’m not in the underweight category. It feels like a lose lose situation, if I carry on this way I could damage my health but if I eat more I will gain weight. I don’t want either.

While you don't technically meet the criteria for anorexia nervosa because you are in the normal weight bracket, it's pretty clear that you have the thinking style which is part of it. Your rate of weight loss is very rapid, and your calorie intake so low, it will be having damaging physical effects on your body, and also affect your thinking.

Have a look at the BEAT website, maybe call their helpline. It would be so much better to deal with this now than wait until you are actually underweight.

www.beateatingdisorders.org.uk/types/do-i-have-an-eating-disorder

What triggered this back in June? Did/do you have a target weight in mind?

You are quite correct that you will damage your health if you carry on - do you take any mineral/vitamin supplements at least. Not saying that would make it OK to live on such restricted calorie intake but might guard against some of the damage.

I wouldn't rule out a visit to the GP - it sounds like quite a potentially serious eating disorder and you seem to recognise yourself that you need help to make sense of what is happening.

@RatherBeRiding I started a new job. I trained for
4 years for the job and everyone is lovely. There is no reason why this should be the cause but it’s the only change.